Jesus: Okay everybody, for my next miracle, I'm going to turn water...into funk!
Lois: Stewie why don't you play in the other room? Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?
Meg: Hi, Craig. Umm, I was wondering if maybe you would want to, I don't know, go out sometime? Craig Hoffman: Huh, that's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own. Which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's, not even my own. Meg: How 'bout a movie? Craig: I don't go out with dudes
Meg: Look everybody I got a makeover!! Peter: Aw, Meg I thought you were always beautiful...(bursts out laughing). Whoa, coudn't do that with a straight face, huh? Chris, go burn all of Meg's old pictures.
Brian: I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.
Peter (In Asiatown): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy walks away) Peter (to next Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy again walks away) Peter (to another Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan: Great to see I have a fan! Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk! Peter: No I'm not. Jackie Chan to Chris: Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk! Chris: Nope. Jackie Chan to Meg: Oh my God it's Malcom in Middle! Meg: Im not a boy! Jackie Chan: Yes you are.
Gepetto: Whoops, I dropped my glasses. (Bends down, butt facing Pinochio.) Oh, by the way Pinochio, there were some cookies missing from the jar. Uh, did you take them? Pinochio: yes papa gepetto im sorry. Gepetto: Are you sure you did i'd believe you if you said you didnt. Pinochio: No, papa gepetto. I'd never lie to you. Gepetto: Are you sure? I mean, you could lie to me. And who knows? You may even get away with it.
Lois: Peter, theres a hooker on the bed! Hooker: Hi. Peter: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on movement. (Pause) Hooker: Where'd you go?
Brian: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa! Peter: That's crazy...they'll just be hungry again in an hour.
Peter: I don't take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time. (Lois and Peter come out wearing the same dress.) Peter: Well one of us is gonna have to change. (Lois gives him a look.) Peter: Oh crap. Unzip me.
Trisha Takinawa: Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers? Mayor Adam West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup... no I take that one back. I'm gonna hold onto that one.
Brian: You're drunk. Stewie: You're sexy.
Brian: Uh..Peter according to this you're not a genius. In fact you're mentally retarded. Peter: Oh yeah? Well would a mentally retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results? Brian: Uhh maybe. Peter: Oh. Joe: So, what can I do for you Peter? Peter: Well Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal. Joe: Shoot. Peter: Well, you know, I took this test and, uh, it sorta turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, um, i just wanted to ask, ya know, how do you deal with it? Joe: Deal with what? Peter: You know, with being retarded. Joe: Peter, I'm not retarded, I'm handicapped. Peter: Oh, well now your just splitting hairs.
Peter:..Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested. Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again! Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Clevel

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Father ted quotes!
Fairground - "Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."

Dougal:"How's your bra? I'll make the tea and you take off your bra"

Mrs Doyle: I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.
Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.
Mrs Doyle: You've never read any of her books, have you, father?
Father Ted: Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.
Mrs Doyle: Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!
Father Ted: It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.
Father Ted: [uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.
Father Ted: [becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs. Doyle?
[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]
Father Ted: Anyway...
Mrs Doyle: "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.
Father Ted: [finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs Doyle: [from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

Father Ted: The way I feel now I could convert gays!

John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?

Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.

John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?

Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.

Mary: You and Father Ted?

Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.

John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant
Thornton left them here when he retired.

Dougal: Retired from what?

John: From the police.

Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?

John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?

Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.

John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.

Dougal: Great, bye now.

Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!

Father Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Dougal: That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, ve... continued

Fr. Noel Furlong!
Fr.Noel: "Oh! Where are you off to......probably out to get some heroine!!"
Gerry Fields: "I'm just going out to the bathroom, father."
Fr.Noel: "Anyone else need to go? Ted? Dougal?"
Fr. Ted: "We're fine Noel"
Fr.Noel: "Are you sure? You don't need a little tinkle?"
Fr.Ted: "Honestly, Noel, we're fine"
Fr. Noel: "Well the worst thing to do would be to hold it in, your bladder could go mental! I had a friend once who had a bladder about the size of a Terry's Chocolate Orange and..."
Fr.Ted: "NOEL!!!......we're fine ok?....we're fine!"
Fr. Noel: ".....well.......your like a bunch of camels!"