Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhymes have been altered too make sure they do not offend anyone.


Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

Is now:

A young person of the female gender was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the species genus Ovis, whose outermost covering reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that of a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational path chosen by the aforesaid young person, there was a 100% probability that the aforementioned ruminant would select the same pathway.



Three blind mice. See how they run. They all ran after a farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life, as three blind mice?

Is now:

A triumvirate of murine rodents totally devoid of ophthalmic acuity was observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's uxorial adjunct. The aforesaid adjunct then performed a triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for subdivision of edible tissue.



Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown; and Jill soon came tumbling after.

Is now:

Two young persons of opposite genders, proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance. The purpose of their expedition was to procure a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was omniously omitted from the record. As the male person precipitously descended, he consequently sustained severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomy. A similar fate befell the female, who immediately after the male person, performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction having been traversed by the young man.



Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner, eating a Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum, and said, "What a good boy am I!"

Is now:

A young person of the male persuasion was situated near the intersection of two supporting elements at right angles to each other. Said person was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual celebration of an annual religious event. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drop of genus Prunus. Immediately thereafter, this person made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a young male.