Dr. Cox: Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartels & James and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now


Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...


J.D.: Look, uh... (struggles to remember the Janitor's name) Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis, and noticed a possible melanoma on there that you should probably have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, while you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes. (Janitor is at a loss for words) Look, it was just a coincidence, man. I mean, if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis.
Janitor: What?! Why?!
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours

The Todd: Oh, Ms. Pac-Man, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots, you naughty, naughty girl.


NURSE: You know, Doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
TODD: In your endo.


Todd: Why won't any women talk to me?
Nurse: Because you're slimy. And you turn everything into a double entendre.
Todd: Not true.
[Nurse leaves, Todd stares at Turk]
Turk: Go ahead.
Todd: I'd like to double her entendre


Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ! What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? [holds up thumbs, pointing in at self] Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.

Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.


j.d:"Apple-tini, easy on the -tini."

Janitor: What’s up?
JD: *thinking* Be careful here. Don’t give him anything.
JD: [monotone] Nothing. What. Is. Up. With. You... man?
Janitor: I always get this way in the fall, you know? Summer’s gone, the days are shorter; it just makes me feel so... what’s the word?
JD: Sad?
Janitor: Yes, that’s it. I’m a janitor, so I couldn’t think of the word "sad." I was gonna say, It makes me feel so "mop."
JD: Let me explain, I--
Janitor: Go ahead, I’m mopping.
JD: Maybe I shouldn’t bother.
Janitor: Maybe you mopn’t.

"I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it."
- Dr. Cox, getting one-up on JD

"This moment's so great I'd cheat in that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments."
- Dr. Cox, going two-up on JD

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You're a... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus


Wilfred Brimley: Hi, I'm Wilfred Brimley, and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee, and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?


Peter Griffin: For more about flatulence, you can visit my ass!
[Peter Farts]

Stewie Griffin: Hey Brian! Brian!
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Knock-knock!
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on!
Stewie Griffin: Knock-knock!
Brian Griffin: [sigh] Who's there?
Stewie Griffin: Your friend, Stewie. And he's always gonna be there for you!

Peter Griffin: Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. Ya know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears. Tom?

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.