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Bear Grylls can delete the Recycling Bin.
It is a known fact that Bear Grylls once broke his back during a parachute accident while in the British Special Forces. Lesser known is the fact that he built a makeshift hospital in the wilderness and performed back surgery on himself using only a knife, a flint, and a water bottle.
In the wild, Bear Grylls eats all kinds of bugs and twigs for the protein. In civilization, he eats spare car parts for the iron.
It’s a well known fact that in the event of nucleuar holocaust two things would TRUELY survive; cockroaches and Bear Grylls, aftwards Bear would simply eat the cockroaches for protien.
When in the Alps, Bear Grylls used pine needles and moss to build a shelter that received a 5-star rating and subsequently put surrounding ski resorts out of business. When asked to comment, Grylls dived into a frozen lake and reappeared completely dry with three rainbow trout.
Whilst fishing with his bare hands, Bear Grylls accidentally won a Fishing Tournament that was being held 2 miles downstream. When awarded with the trophy, Grylls sharpened it on a rock and used it to kill a nearby grisly.
When Bear Grylls in high in the mountains, the altitude suffers from ‘Bare Grylls’ sickness.
It’s been leaked that their is a top secret plan to send Bear Grylls to mars on the next season of man versus wild. While their he plans on scaling Olympus Mons, finding water, and simply walking back to civalization using only his flint, knife, and water bottle.
Bear Grylls once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Bear Grylls' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Bear Grylls.
Bear Grylls' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Bear Grylls sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Bear Grylls owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Bear Grylls can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Bear Grylls leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. 1006
Bear Grylls was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Bear Grylls does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Bear Grylls goes killing.
Bear Grylls can slam revolving doors.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Bear Grylls says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Bear Grylls doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Bear Grylls can kill two stones with one bird.
Bear Grylls doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Bear Grylls can play the violin with a piano
Bear Grylls never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Bear Grylls can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Bear Grylls can build a snowman out of rain.
Bear Grylls can drown a fish.
When Bear Grylls enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Bear Grylls can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Bear Grylls doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Bear Grylls once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
Bear Grylls can tie his shoes with his feet.
Bear Grylls was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
0 Comments 289 weeks
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being) and do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
Treating burns and scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this).If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.
Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier.
Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you\'re feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the victims score and send it to me at this address:-
Dr. Brain D\'Eath,
the highest score wins a mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there\'s a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here\'s a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout \"Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something.
0 Comments 355 weeks
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