No friends :(

• View All

• 5.12.06

  I hate study. And I know that’s probably a really stupid thing to say because everyone feels the same way but it’s just so boring!!! Ah well, sure has to be done I suppose! And if I fail all my exams then I’ll know it’s all my own fault because I left all my study until the week before my exams. And to use a phrase I can often be heard to utter “That was clever….”. Having stuff on my mind really isn’t helping either! While my ex is still trying to get me to take him back and I’m fantasising about being with someone I really can’t be with, it’s kind of hard to concentrate on what the characteristics of trilobites are, or how an s-r latch works, or what an equivalence relation is! Plus it’s the time of the month, so naturally anyone around me gets their head bitten off for the slightest thing and all those little niggling problems seem like major ones. Ah that’s life I suppose! I came home for the week to get away from Dublin in the hope that there would be less distractions… how wrong I was! Without any people around I just have more time to think and that’s never a good thing! And as I write I know I should really be studying…. I just have no motivation! This always happens, I leave all my study until last minute and even then I just really can’t be bothered!! I’m so lazy, just one of my many flaws! That’s also the reason I haven’t exercised in so long! And while I’m one of those lucky people who can eat what they want and not put on any weight I could still do with a good work out! Mostly because I don’t have much stamina… if you know what I mean! Which wouldn’t matter normally since I’m single and wont be in a relationship for a long time! But as I’ve told you, I have a “fuck buddy” who would certainly appreciate me being a bit fitter! Anyway… enough talk about sex. (That’s another problem with being back home in the country! Having not seen any guy who looks halfway decent, and having had no ‘attention’ for a while sex comes into my mind every now and again…..) anyway…. As I was saying… What was I saying?? (Procrastination… another one of my study problems!!) I should probably update you on the whole ex situation. Was texting him last night and he really upset me. He was telling me he needed a friend because of all this business with the incident that happened when he was younger. He expects me to just be there for him and sacrifice all my time helping him even though we’ve broken up and it’s really not my responsibility. He tried to guilt me into being there for him and it worked. I felt guilty as hell. But it’s just not something I’m able to deal with. It’s heavy shit and even if he’d have told me while we were going out I still think I would have had trouble dealing with it. I can’t believe anyone would try and off load all their problems on someone else like that, especially their ex. I mean, I feel really sorry for him and I wouldn’t wish what happened to him on anyone but I cant help him. The only person that can help him is himself and it’s like he’s expecting me to work some miracle or something! I don’t know what to do about it, for now I just told him I cant be there for him and I want to be left alone but that still doesn’t stiooip me from feeling guilty. And so I’m back in the ‘big bad monster’ category! And with no friends around to cheer me up and reassure me it’s hard not to let this get me down. Cant wait to be back in Dublin!! Probably also because I miss a certain someone who I really shouldn’t be missing. You’re not meant to miss your ‘fuck buddy’ are you? Well maybe you’re allowed to miss the sex but not the actual person! There’re several theoies I have. Number 1: the rebound theory. Since he was the first person I was with after the big break up Maybe I shifted some of my feelings, that are suddenly meant to disappear when you break up with someone, onto him. Maybe I don’t really like h

  0 Comments 345 weeks

• Miss him

  Ok so I’m starting to miss him. I know not being with him is the best thing for me and yet that still doesn’t help. Maybe it’s not him I miss, I suppose I just miss having someone there for me and having someone to talk to. Ah well. I suppose the best thing to do is to just get on with things and try forget bout it. But it’s hard!! Anyway! I suppose I should tell you about my latest experiences of my new found singledom!! Well, I haven’t been up to much really! It was my birthday the other week and we had a big party! I didn’t get my 19 birthday kisses though! Not that I really tried… I was nowhere near drunk enough! But it was still a laugh all the same! And we broke the dining table which is always a sign of a good party! I tried not to notice the absence of my ex but it was kind of hard. The absence of the extra present was especially noticeable!! (Just joking!) Apart from that I’ve only been out once. I won the bet I had with my friend after snogging 7 people in one night to make my total ten and win, but it was a bit of a hollow victory really. This going around kissing random people really isn’t for me! And my “fuck buddy”, who was the other contender turned out to be a pretty sore loser! He was in a mood for the rest of the night. I don’t think it was just because of that he was in a bad mood though. He’s having a tough time without his girlfriend too. But it’s really strange seeing how other people react to the whole break up thing. I mean, if you didn’t know him, you’d say he wasn’t at all bothered about losing her at all. He seems to just keep it all in. Then sometimes you can tell he’s in a bad mood about it, or thinking about her. And yet he doesn’t talk about it. Maybe I’m the same, I mean I’m using this stupid site to vent my feelings and I don’t think I’ve had a proper in depth conversation about how I feel with anyone! I suppose it’s hard to open up. And we can’t talk to each other about things because we’re both in entirely opposite situations. The fact that we’re “fuck buddies” probably doesn’t help either. I don’t like to ask too many questions because it just doesn’t seem right. And because of that it kind of feels like I’ve given up my best friend just for sex. I can’t work out whether this “fuck buddies” thing is a good idea or not. On the one hand I don’t think either of us would have had sex with anyone else, it’s only because we’re already so close that it doesn’t feel awkward. I know it’ll take me a long time before I do it with anyone else and so maybe it’s a good thing that I’ve done it with someone other than my ex and it’ll help me move on. On the other hand tings have kind of changed a little bit between us and he brings it up all the time which is pretty annoying! I mean ha was cocky and big-headed before but now he seems even worse! And the whole thing makes me feel like a bit of a slut. So I don’t know. Good thing or bad thing??? I suppose that’s another one of those questions I’m just going to have to work out for myself!
  So the ex, what’s he been up to you may ask. Well thanks to bebo I could probably give an account of his movements ever since we broke up! Bebo can be such a curse sometimes. Everytime I go and check my own site I go check his as well. It really isn’t right! I feel like such a stalker!! Maybe that’s because I am one… but I’m sure I’m not the first bebo-ex-boyfriend-stalker and I definitely won’t be the last! I’ve seen him a couple of times too. The first time I met up with him he told me some stuff from his past which I suppose was intended to make me feel sorry for him and take him back. Even if that wasn’t intentionally his plan I think sub-consciously that was the idea. And it made me feel bad for him, of course it did, but pity is never a good reason to go out with someone. It was something pretty bad that happened when he was a child and apparently it didn�

  0 Comments 346 weeks

• Happy?

  So now I’m happier. Things are looking up. I’m single n I am loving it. All this time to myself is fantastic!! And although there are things I miss about having someone there for me 24/7, I think this is best for me. And I’ve even noticed myself that I’ve changed so much since the big break up. I’m much more sociable n I’m getting to see my friends even more these days which is always a good thing! You can never have enough friends! My roommate and I are getting closer too! Before we weren’t very close but now I have all this time to myself, we’ve had plenty of chances to have those girly chats which are oh so essential in a woman’s life! I’ve been out 5 times in the last week and I’m planning another drunken night of debauchery tonight! But is this what it’s all about? I’m single and yet my time’s still spent thinking about which guy I want to be with next. I mean is this really what us girls’ life revolves around? Well anyway, at the moment the only thing I’m concerned about is having fun and if that means pulling random guys in clubs then so be it!! I’ll think about the morals of it all in a few weeks!! I’m still on the rebound so I think I deserve to get around a bit before I start philosophising again! I’ve noticed so many things since being single. Like how I should have been spending all that time I spent with my ex studying instead! :-/ Ah well! Nothing I can do about that now! I’ll just have to cram and hope for the best! I’ve also noticed how good it is to just have time to think. Even just walking home from college gives me time to think about all the good things in my life and it’s made me such a happy person. Before I spent every spare second I had texting my boyfriend. (not by choice!) It was like big brother! Every move I made was accounted for, every thought was reported and I couldn’t even watch a TV programme without having to explain myself!! But those times are behind me now and I’m never going to let myself get into a situation like that again! I’m myself, I’m independent and it’s up to me what I do and when I do it! So how has my “moving on”, as they say, gone so far u ask. Well, coincidentally, my best friend’s girlfriend also broke up with him the same weekend I broke up with my boyfriend. And it wasn’t planned I swear! But this is were the whole friendship/ relationship thing comes in. Can you really have a guy friend that close and not expect something to happen at some point? So yes you guessed it…. First person I turn to is him and things go well. A little too well perhaps. But here’s the slightly weird part. You see, obviously, since both of us have just come out of year and a half relationships neither of us want a serious relationship right now. So we’re jus “fuck buddies”! Is that weird? The deal is that we get to be with each other whenever we want but we can be with who ever else we want. We’ve even got a bet going to see who can snog 10 people first! I mean, it’s working out fine at the moment! But something about the whole concept kind of seems wrong. I think it kind of just makes me feel a bit of a slut! But at the same time I’m in college! I should be enjoying myself and meeting new people! Sure we’ll see how it goes anyway! For now I’m going to stop writing but I’m sure I’ll be back soon with some more!

  0 Comments 348 weeks