Since I've written in here because I write somewhere else or I convince myself that I shouldn't write, that I don't need to write, that people don't need to hear my bull shit, or that if they hear it then they will change what they do because I can't handle my own shit which isn't true and I don't want people to change. I'm never on here so I doubt anyone is going to read this which might just infact be why I am writing it. I'm not too sure yet all I know is that I have to write and I have to eat.
So a lot's gone on with me the past year and a half and I've survived. I've changed who I was and what I did for a love I knew wasn't in it and I knew it wouldn't last. I talked myself into things and made them a part of me instead of being me. I did stupid shit that in my mind I can only say happened because I was depressed and couldn't handle things. I smoked because it wasn't me and I wanted to find something better then me. Somethine taht was happy. Something where things weren't so hard and complicated. I dropped out on those I knew needed me most. I was selfish in everything I did. I feel as though I've done nothing good in the past year and a half. I've made friends re think their life when they had it all together. I watched my friends fall around me and I didn't do anything to help. I just pretended that there was always someone else there for them. And somehow I still think that I am the best friend a person can have if they allow me to be. How fucking selfish is that. Most people say that I am too hard on myself and that I was there for everyone who would let me but I think that I should have charged my way through, smacked them around some and made them see what was really happening. I tried everything as a solution besides being me and getting to know who that was deep down. When I finally did I was ok. I don't have the urge to smoke anymore. Not because I don't want that to be a part of me but because I don't need to. I am ok with who I am and I don't need a cigarett to tell me that things will work out. I alwasy knew they would, I mean even my death would be things working out, but a cigarett just made things so much easier. I knew it was all psychological but it still gave me something else to focus on. Honestly I think I was just running away from myself but I couldn't do it no matter how far I fell. It pissed me off so bad because though I didn't want to be anyone else I knew I wanted to find that peace and confidence that others have. I throw away so much time because I wouldn't allow myself to know me. I screwed so much up because I couldn't do what I wanted, I wouldn't say what I knew I needed to say, and I would conform to those around me. Not completely but to a point that I wasn't being true to my own values. Why couldn't I have been me and helped those who needed it, which in turn would have helped me. Oh well, it wasn't ment to be that way, I can't help but feel sad about it. What I want more then anything is to help others. That's all. I would give up everything I had for other's. That's not out of love, it's because it makes me feel good. I know that I am needed. I am watching someone else get joy and that's one of the best things I know. I couldnt care less about my own life. I am nothing if I can't help. If I can't help others find their way in life and survive then I am nothing. If I can't keep people on a good path then what good am I? To sit there and watch someone fall. That's the worst thing in the world and has, in my eyes, made me a horrible person. I knew from moment one it was bad and that it shouldn't happen but I didn't stop it. I didn't stop any of it, I didn't even try to. I don't know. My head hurts though and I think I'm going to throw up if I don't eat so I should go do that, or at least pretent that I am.

To figure life out was always in the plans

but yet I sit here with control out of my hands

and I'm way too nice and never know what I want

The emotions inside are left to taunt

my outer shell will pull through

it the stuff inside that might not make do

for the people I talk to make me feel I've changed

i got lost and reached out and this is what I became

I really didn't mean to lose myself

but this is what life has dealt

So through the confusion I can't see the light

I'm hoping that death will be the right

for the solution maybe clear but it's not something I can do

cause I just can't hurt all of those yous

10/20/05
Through counseling, therapy, and friends I’ve been told to look out for myself and quit worrying about others. Well my life is based solely on helping others, not pissing them off and making sure I don’t hurt them. You see my problem? Well I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve done the whole confused. I’ve done the making excuses. I’ve done the frustration. I’ve done the crying. I’ve done the denial/avoidance. I’ve done the anger. I’ve done the understanding and now I’m just done. Maybe everyone is right and I need to do what is in my best interest. Well, I’m only on this earth because for some unknown reason people would be sad if I killed myself but if I’m suppose to do what’s best for me than stopping my pain would make sense. I don’t smoke or hit lockers because that would affect my marching and I don’t get my legs to normal because that affects marching and I don’t cut because that affects my friends. Well maybe I should say fuck it all because who am I if I am not pleasing people, of well if I wasn’t than I would smoke, let my aggression out, run, cut, and in the best case I wouldn’t exist. So should I take the advice of making myself happy and looking out for myself or am I suppose to listen to everyone else when they tell me what I want is bad?