asks Pascal Wyse

[Friday February 23, 2007]
[The Guardian]
[Iain found it ]

"I'm just going to finger my hairy passage." We never got tired of that joke in our local youth orchestra. Of course it was just shorthand for: "I'm going to put some reminders on the score as to what hand position to use on my violin for the notes in this particularly tricky stretch of music." Later, I transferred to the trombone, the only instrument that changes shape when you play with it. Yes, there was plenty of smut. But if filth was good enough for the botty-obsessed Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, it was good enough for us.

Being adolescent and desperate, I never had the luxury of ranking who I wanted to fumble according to instrument - though I do remember being suspicious of the kind of lemon-sucking embouchure you need to play an oboe. Taking a more thorough approach, the latest issue of Muso magazine features a survey of professional and amateur musicians, asking them if they think someone's instrument indicates whether they would make a good lover. Thirty-eight per cent said yes, with a further 17% coyly saying "maybe".
Predictably, cellists come out on top. Just think Lori Singer as Julie in Fame, the sniper-cellist Kara Milovy in The Living Daylights, or Susan Sarandon frotting her instrument until it catches fire in The Witches of Eastwick. Cellists are also deemed to be the best lovers. You embrace the cello, dance your fingers over it, stroke it and hold it between your legs - so no wonder they got that vote. What people are really saying is, "Please can I be your cello?" That approach goes some way to explaining the tuba's poor performance in these tables: "I'm going to put you on my knee, give you a big hug and huff a raspberry all over your face."

Let's hear it for viola players, though! Traditionally, they get the piss taken out of them (The difference between a washing machine and a violist? Vibrato), but while all this sniggering has been going on, viola players have been at it, hammer and tongs. They are voted most likely to have sex on a first date, most likely to have had more than 10 sexual partners, most likely to have had sex in the past week and, just to round up any stragglers, most likely to be gay. Who cares if you sound like a fire in a pet shop if you are getting that much?

One female violinist, 27, reckons: "Anyone who chooses to play the organ clearly hasn't considered their potential sex appeal." Come on, use your imagination: the piano is way up there in the survey, but not the organ. Yet with an organist you get all that keyboard dexterity (ie high-speed trills) with the bonus that they can do the same thing with their feet. Try anything once.

While we are welcoming newcomers to the orgy, let's get some saw players in. If you can get a note out of a piece of hardware, you must be handy in the sack. And what about the theremin? People who play that make music without even touching their instrument! Look, no hands! The possibilities are endless.

I really have to go and practise some scales now.