We believe in one drink, Guinness the
almighty
Makers of cans and bottles
Of all that is drunk and un-drunk
We believe in one brewer, Arthur
The only son of Guinness
Eternally begotten of the hops
Hops from hops, barley from barley
True drink from true drink
Begotten not made
Of one distillery of the Father
Through it all things were made
For us men and our salvation
It comes down from St. James Gate
By the power of the market he became
incarnate
And was made a rich man
For our sake we are crucified under
Pontious Prices
Bad pints, suffer hangovers and A.A.
meetings
On the next day we rise again in
accordance
With our scruples and ascend into oblivion
We come again to judge the living and the
dead
We believe in one alcoholic beverage

Brewed and bottled under one licence
We acknowledge one Arthur, son of the
almighty pint

I shave my legs,

I sit down to pee.

And I can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.

I can get a massage without getting a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,

I can pump my own gas.

Can talk to my friends about the size of my a$$.

My beauty's a masterpiece and yes, it takes long.

At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles, at any cost.

And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.

I never forget an important date.

You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies with lots of gore.

Don't need instant replay to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair, I won't get jock itch.

And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch!

Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.

In your dreams, my dear, cause I can do better!

Flowers are okay,

But jewelry's best.

Look at me you idiot...

Not at my chest !!!



I don't have a problem,

With expressing my feelings.

I know when you're lying,

You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,

a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Get it? you DICK!?!

stupidity in practice!!!

On Tesco\'s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- \"Do not turn upside
down.


(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

===========================

On Sainsbury\'s peanuts -- \"Warning: contains nuts.\"
(talk about a news flash)


===========================

On Boot\'s Children Cough Medicine -- \"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication.\"
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- \"Product will be hot after heating.\"
(...and you thought????...)


=======================

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That\'s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

==================================
==

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)


===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- \"Directions: Use like regular soap.\"
(and that would be???....)


============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- \"Serving suggestion: Defrost.\"
(but, it\'s just a suggestion.)


========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- \"Do not iron clothes on body.\"
(but wouldn\'t this save me time?)


==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- \"Warning: May cause drowsiness.\"
(..I\'m taking this because???....)


==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- \"For indoor or outdoor use only.\"
(as opposed to what?)


==========================

On a Japanese food processor -- \"Not to be used for the other use.\"
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I\'m a bit curious.)


==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- \"Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts.\" (Step 3: say what?)


===========================

On a child\'s Superman costume -- \"Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly.\" (I don\'t blame the company. I blame the parents for this
one.)


========================

On a Swedish chainsaw -- \"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals.\" (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)