what do you call an elephant with a spade?

dawn french
--------------------------------------------
How do you get a granny to shout "Wan*er!"?

Get another one to shout "Bingo".

----------------------------
A guy phones up his boss on a Monday morning...

"Sorry Boss, I can't come in today, I'm sick"
"Dave this is the third Monday in a row you're had off. Just how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my little sister "

-------------------------------
A guy in a mac runs up in front of them and flashes his co*k at the two old dears.
One of the old ladies had a stroke.....the other one couldn't reach.

----------------------------------
Whats blue and f***s grannies?

Hypothermia

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A nervous wreck of a guy goes to the doctors and worriedly says, "Doctor, I've been bu**ered by an elephant."
The doctor examines the guy, his ass is a full on goatse, about a foot wide.
"My god man, how did this happen?"

"Well I was on a safari" cried the patient, "and went for a crap behind a tree, when a bull elephant snuck up behind me, trapped me there, and had its way with me"

"Why that's awful" the doctor replied. "Just out of curiousity, I know for a fact that an elephants penis is only around 5 inches in girth, yet your anus seems to have been stretched a lot more than that"

"Yes, well he fingered me first".
-------------------------------------------
A polar bear decides to go to the beach as it is a nice sunny day,
after driving for a few hours he almost arrives at his destination
then he notices that the oil pressure on his car has started to drop,
luckily he noticed he had just driven past a garage so he turns
the car round and pulls in, he tells the mechanic the problem, the
mechanic tells the polar bear to go off for an hour or so and then come
back as he should then know what the problem is. So the polar bear
decides to go for a walk down the beach, an hour later the polar bear
returns to the garage and find the guy looking at his car, the mechanic
says "Looks like you've blown a seal" to which the polar bear says
"No I've just eaten an Ice cream".
------------------------------------------
Doctor: It's bad news, you have cancer and alzheimer's.
Patient: oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer.
-----------------------------------------

1. A cobra bit John Smeaton's leg.After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died

2. John Smeaton does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge John Smeaton

3. John Smeaton can strangle you with a cordless phone

4. Superman wears John Smeaton Pyjamas!

5. John Smeaton isn't afraid of the dark........the dark is afraid of John Smeaton

6. Smeaton doesn't read books.. He just stares at it until he gets the information he wants.

7. Death once had a near-John Smeaton experience

8. John Smeaton never re-treats, he just attacks in the opposite direction

9. John Smeaton won a game of connect 4 in two moves

10. John Smeaton went into Burger King and asked for a Big Mac... He got one

11. We don't care if our girlfriend thinks about Smeaton during sex.... We do too!

12. When John Smeaton has sex with a man it isn't beause he is gay, it is because he has ran out of women!

13. John Smeaton masturbates over a picture of John Smeaton only!

14. John Smeaton lost his virginity before his Dad did!

15. Smeaton does not sleep...He only waits.

16. John Smeaton is not hung like a horse...Horses are hung like John Smeaton!

17. When Smeaton jumps into a river he does not get wet.... The water gets "Smeatoned".

18. Did u know that Smeaton was the Fourth Wiseman!

19. John Smeaton recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beveridge... This is known as Red Bull !

20.If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: John Smeaton!

21. On the 7th day, God rested.... John Smeaton took over.

22. If you want a list of John Smeaton's enemies. Just look in the extincted species list.

23. John Smeaton has never blinked in his entire life... Never

24. John Smeaton owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1993 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

25. John Smeaton does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

26. John Smeaton is Luke Skywalker's real father.

27.John Smeaton actually died 5 years ago... but death was to scared to tell him.

28. The boogey man checks under his bed for John smeaton at night.

29. Did you know that John Smeaton's tears can cure cancer?....Shame he never cries.

30. John Smeaton has counted to infinity...twice

31. Guns don't kill people. Smeaton does

32. The leading causes of death in the Uk are: 1.Heart Disease 2. John Smeaton 3. Cancer

33. John Smeaton is the reason that Wally is hiding.

34. John Smeaton doesn't wear a watch.. HE decides what time it is.

35. John Smeaton gave Mona Lisa that smile ... =)

36. John Smeaton can slam a revolving door!

37. John smeaton does not get frost bite... John Smeaton bites frost!

38. John Smeaton once ate a whole cake before his freinds could tell him there was a stripper in it!

39. When John Smeaton was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he flykicked the place so hard it became Burger king.

40. John Smeaton can divide by zero.

41. John Smeaton grinds the coffee with his teeht and then boils the water with his own rage!

42. If you Google search "John Smeaton getting his arse kicked" you will get zero results. It just doesn't happen.

43. It takes John smeaton 20 minutes to watch for 60 minutes.

44. John Smeaton once swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills....He blinked.

45. Superman was watching the news one night when a video showing john Smeaton killing a terrorist started showing.... He cried himself to sleep that night.

46. John smeaton can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.. at night.

47. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is John Smeaton.

48. John Smeaton CAN believe its not butter.

49. John Smeaton CAN touch MC Hamm

01 I _____ Jethro.
02 Jethro is _____.
03 If I were alone in a room with Jethro, I would _____.
04 I think Jethro should _____.
05 Jethro needs _____.
06 I want to _____ Jethro.
07 Someday Jethro will _____.
08 Jethro _____.
09 Without Jethro _______.
10 My memories of Jethro are ______.
11 Jethro can be _____.
12 The worst thing about Jethro is _____.
13 The best thing about Jethro is _____.
14 I am _____ with Jethro.
15 One thing i would like to know about Jethro is _____.
16 Jethro should go and _____.
17 Jethro _____ me.