Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.


Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.


Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.


Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. when she gives you a present on your b

Applied for the job on friday....
got a reply by monday.....
had an interview on thursday....
and on monday and tuesday in bishopbriggs i had an induction

now i work in asda bakery section and i have to wear chef whites and a green trilby hat.

and maybe even a hairnet.