There is no theory of evolution. only a list of those species
chuck norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up
with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. Unfortunately, JFK's head still exploded out of sheer amazement.





Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer

Jesus's birthday isn't December 25th, but Chuck Norris once sent
him a birthday card for that day. Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When chuck Norris does press-ups he's not pushing himself up -
he's pushing the earth down!

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.


It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him.


When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris is strong enough to punch through steel, yet gentle
enough to cradle a new born baby to sleep.

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