Hank Braxtan for President of the United States of America in 2040!

A common complaint these days is that people don’t vote because they don’t like either candidate. Well, I have the solution: Me. I’m hereby announcing my candidacy for the 2040 Presidential election. I figured, if I start my campaign 35 years before the election, I should get ahead in the polls. I know what you’re thinking--sure, he’s good looking, brilliant, athletic, and makes the best movies in the history of the world…ever. But what makes Hank Braxtan Presidential material? Where does he stand on the issues? Well folks, worry not. I’ve made a short list of some of the major concerns facing this country, as well as issues I think we’ll be dealing with by 2040.



EDUCATION


Statistics show one thing is clear: our kids are spoiled, dumb little bastards. Shock troopers will be hired in schools to randomly beat under-achieving students publicly. An F on a test means a week in the hole.





NATIONAL DEFENSE


All soldiers stationed abroad will be armed with flamethrowers. Let’s face it: Fire is scary. And our military will wear all black, with some kind of masks, because let’s face it: that’s scary, too.





ECONOMY


To improve the economy is simple: print more money!





HOT DOGS


I will sign an executive order mandating that hot dogs and hot dog buns are sold in equal quantities. Furthermore, better materials will be used to construct hot dog buns, so they don’t crumble when you try to slide your wiener in there.





HEALTH CARE


Dr. Claw.





ENVIORNMENT


Everyone knows that dryers eat socks, which leads to my solution for waste disposal. We will create a giant dryer, and with that giant socks. We then stuff the giant socks with garbage, nuclear waste, or whatever we want to dispose of. Throw them in the dryer and just let it run.





CLONES


I will have multiple clones of myself, which will do all the hard work. At the end of the day, I’ll simply download their knowledge and experience into my brain. I will also develop clone army, armed with flamethrowers.





ROBOTS


All robots are not to be trusted. By 2040, a violent crime in America will be committed by a robot every 33 seconds.





TRANSPORTATION


I will invent a hover train. This technology will be quite simple, based on sound scientific research. Wrap your mind around this: Everybody knows, if you drop a cat, it will always land on its feet. Similarly, a lesser known fact states that if you drop a piece of buttered toast, it will always land buttered side down. What my technology will allow scientists to do, is strap the buttered toast to the back of a cat, butter away from the cat. If you drop this apparatus, the laws of physics state that it will not be allowed to touch the ground, thusly it will hover in place. Enough hovering cats/toast would be able to carry infinite amounts of weight.

Freddy VS Ghostbusters featured in UK's Day/Night magazine

A few months back, a reporter from the UK’s Day/Night magazine (I think that’s what it’s called) emailed me and wanted to do a feature on Freddy VS Ghostbusters. Naturally, I wasn’t going to shoot down any free publicity we might receive, so I was happy to help. A month or so later, the article was out. Now, the article is pretty well written, and I certainly appreciate the attention. However, why is it the press can never get anything right?



There are a number of mistakes in this article, and I thought I’d take a moment to rebut these discrepancies. You may read the entire article here, but I’ll pull some excerpts below:



“Cheap video cameras and PC editing suites have sparked a new craze for making hime-made homages and sequel to Hollywood films.”



Now, I don’t want to be a dick…but my camera wasn’t cheap! It set me back a few alimony payments! It might be cheap to a millionaire filmmaker, but to someone who sells cocaine to finance his films, this is a lot of money!



“One of the best out there at the moment is Freddy vs Ghostbusters…”



You’re damn right it is.



“…Which spoofs last year’s Hollywood hit Freddy vs Jason.”



What? This isn’t a spoof! This is a legitimate contender for an Oscar! Also, I don’t recall seeing Jason anywhere in the title!



“As the site says, ‘It’s the man of your dreams versus the men with the proton beams!’”



I never said that.



“It was filmed on digital video by a group of Canadian youngsters…”



Hold on. Just stop. What did they just say? Canadian youngsters? What the shit?!? Seriously. Where the hell did they get that one? So I play hockey in my spare time, and now suddenly I’m Canadian? Youngsters? I suppose I’m pretty young if the person writing this is over the hill. Holy hell. Canadian youngsters. Wow.



“It’s a little slipshod in places…”



What? Up yours, buddy!



“…but well worth watching, “



That’s better. Just thought I’d set the record straight! Also, what is up with that goofy picture they used? Our sweet poster wasn't good enough?

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

I have recently escaped - where from I cannot say - I don’t want them to find me just yet. While I am on the run I have decided to write my memoirs. If you are interested in the finer things in life - like Vodka, and trashy parties - then you are in the right place. I am on a mission to create as much havoc in the world as possible - and so far it is going well.

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