Billy Connollys 14 things i hate about everybody

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here,Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Billy Connolly=One funny fucker!

appearance by me as floozy, mave, c c c cunit, sazzles, kat, steve, francesca princessa pusseta, hussy, and gutty. name tags, captain armbands, glow sticks, team pants. later train down- sarah in dif carriage chattin up the boys. skiff inn dinner. rest of team in travellodge. me and jo in nautical themed room wi creepy wee old man for half hour tellin us which pubs to go to. locked door straight after he left. party for 80th bday in hotel bar- woman informs us they are the ROWDY ones. tannin kerry's voddie. random photos in travel lodge- team pants collapse on bed mid-photo. finally get taxi to pubs, team singin pj and duncan lets get ready. tryin to hear what taxi mans name was- shoutin stevo ian deano- dont think we actually got it right. dropped off at cash machine thats out of service. goin to bar 34 cos it has a cash machine-steph sayin stop singin or we wont get in. goin to bar so many times- barman says is it same again. team shout outs by dj. liftin skirts up every time someone shouts team pants. married guy tryin to stalk me. leavin and meetin hot welsh guys, endin up in sea and in vip queue. doin hen night cards 5 in 5minutes before anyone finished one. sarah tryin to undo guys button fly wi her teeth. team pullin. leavin and sittin in underpass-had no idea why. team draggin me up to get scran. jo managin to get free chips. taxi hilarity- sure he went the long way back. gettin lost in hotel goin to room. wakin up early to down 5 pints of water. not realisin clocks went forward so checkin out an hour late and missin 1 o'clock train. subway scran at station. standin in queue wi some old kiss tribute band. jo tense wi hangover on train. team photos on bebo within the day-stole from everyone else. best and most expensive night ever. TEAM YAAAAAAASSSSSSS

Ok, so my 21st is on the 12th March- i expect presents!- and these are the details. remember it is me and im not very good at pinning down activities- expecially as i hope i will be steamin and will not be able to rem previously arranged plans.

So
SAT 10TH MARCH-Glasgow 7.30ish
Im thinkin pubs then perhaps Guru/Buff Club (not decided yet)
Perhaps stavka? perhaps campus? for pubs

I will not be arrangin bus but cumbernauld taxis are cheap and i can book some in advance if i know numbers that are going.

I know Glasgow is quite far away and i appreciate that some may get train home or not come. so in this case i am more than prepared to have a few nights out! anyway- text/comment me if you require more solid itinerary!
Mwa x