JD looks sad)
Janitor: Girl problems?
JD: Yeah, how’d you no?
Janitor: You look like you’ve got a problem. You’re a girl.

Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?
Dr.Cox : Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks

J.D.: You're an actor.
Janitor: You're a fireman! What are we doing?
J.D.: Game over, Klaus. I saw you in 'The Fugitive'.
Janitor: Ohhh, yeah, yeah. I was in a Harrison Ford movie, but, you know what, I chose this life instead 'cause it's a little more glamorous.
Kelso: Hey, champ. There's some vomit on the back steps with your name on it.
Janitor: Well, that's my cue. Action!

J.D.: What is wrong with you? Is this because I called you "Smelliot"? Because I can't believe you haven't heard that before.
Elliot: J.D., I don't care if you call me that.
J.D.: Hey, everybody! She's cool with "Smelliot"!
Todd: Oh, so he can call you "Smelliot" but I'm not allowed to call you "Vagina Face"?
Elliot: Not the same, Todd!

Ted: (to himself) Mark my words! If one more person is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it!
Laverne: Shut up, bozo.
Ted: (to himself) One more person. She didn't know the rules.

Elliot: Thanks again for helping me look for Carla.
Janitor: No problem. I'll check the dumpster.
Elliot: Ah, we're not looking for dead Carla.
Janitor: That a girl. You stay optimistic.

Ted: Dr. Cox. Ah. I'm afraid my band lost a member. So we're not going to be able to perform at your son's party.
Cox: Ted. Now even though I never asked you to, that is still just ter-rific news.

Turk: Why don't you lay off Dr. Miller? And don't say "I'd like to lay on Dr. Miller."
Todd: High-five later for reading my mind!
Turk: You know, I don't think you're stupid, Todd... Even though you're washing your hands with your gloves already on.
Todd: Dammit!

Janitor: Where is that lost & found box?
Randall: Over here, brah.
Elliot: Why does it say "free stuff"?
Janitor: Heh-heh. I have no idea.

Todd: Dude, my broccoli is hot.
Turk: Please tell me you mean temperature-wise - because there is no way you can find broccoli sexy.
Todd: Oh...yeah...temperature-wise... And mini green boobs-wise! What's up!!

J.D.: The girl one just called you "Dr. Jerk"!
Turk: No sweat. You should hear what they call Dr. Mickhead.
J.D.: ...What?

Janitor: No, I'm a winner. But, I will tell you something that my grandmother told me when I was a kid; even though at the time I thought she was my mother. She said, "Time spent wishing is time wasted." Now, she died shortly after that, and my sister - who actually was my mother - she never got over it. Neither did my brother-dad. But the point is this: If you want to be different, then be different!

Patient: I am so tired of the sexual innuendo.
Todd: In your end-o.

Carla: Are you crazy!? Baby, it was only a sex dream! Everybody has them... right, Ted?
Ted: Oh, no, not me...I just have the one dream over and over -- I hold his head under the water 'til that last bubble goes "bloop."
Kelso: Ted! What's the E.T.A. on those Double-Stuffs?
Ted: Bloop.

JD: You know sir, Dr. Townshend was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital - I'd love to hear one sometime.
Kelso: Well... what the hell. Back in sixty-eight - I don't like you. The end.
Dr. Townshend: He tells that one a lot.

J.D.'s Narration: So, Little J.D. isn't rising to the occasion. It's not a big deal! Nobody knows about this but me!
Cox: Hey, Newbie, what's up?
J.D.: Everything! Everything's up!
Kelso: Rise and shine, sport!
J.D.'s Narration: What, did someone send out a flier?!
Todd: Hey, J.D.! How's your penis?
J.D.'s Narration: All right, calm down, he says that to everyone.
Todd: Hey, Go