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- AKA Wingnut!!!
- Me, Myself, and I
- Happy days!
------///\-----Of or is
- ♬♬♬♬ T IN THE PARK!!! Not a band strictly speakin but still defo worth a mention! James Morrison, OCS, Simon and Garfunkel, 2 Many Dj's, Fratellis, Linkin Park, Paul Weller, Razorlight, Charlatans, Kooks, Stereophonics(before they got shite, still give Kelly one though! lol) Seargent, Sam Cooke, The Drifters an alot of other old doo wop an gospel stuff. Anythin goes really.♬♬♬♬
- Rise Of The Footsoldier, Pulp Fiction, A Time To Kill, Calamity Jane, City Of God, Bugsy Malone, The Green Mile.
- CELTIC, THE HOOPS, THE TIC, THE TIMS...ETC ETC ETC
- Scared Of
- NEEDLES!!! Wasps, Bees, Spiders...infact, anythin wi more than 4 legs kinda freaks me out...especially if they can sting ye!
- Happiest When
- At gigs, With Gav, With good friends, Drinkin, Partyin, Sleepin(which mostly dont happen if am doin the aforementioned)...D'oh! Its frustrating but self inflicted although these days its a rarer occurence than what it used to be, am quite happy to chill...must be gettin auld!
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- How well do you know Danielle? 36 Taken
'Serious, risky and heroic' - the three speed settings on the world's most powerful vibrator.
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart attack'.
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
Watching Gymnastics is just Paedophilia for Cowards, Dara!
Apparently in America they’re building a big tower on the site of September the 11th called Freedom Tower and they’re thinking of ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just built a giant mosque. Nobody’s going to fly into that, are they? Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be if you hi-jacked a plane and then had to make a textbook landing?
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
If Tim Henman had won Wimbledon it would have been so weird it would have torn a hole in our normality. Oh, Henman’s won, * and here to present the trophy is Winston Churchill with the head of a bee.
My problem, as people keep shouting out in the streets, is that I look like one of The Proclaimers. But then I grew a beard, and now everyone shouts "paedophile"! Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy?
People are worried about the new cohabiting laws because they’ll have the same rights as married couples, and it means they might lose their stuff. Except I’m in quite a strong position because my stuff’s shit and I’d quite happily trade it for two years of sex. Oxfam wouldn’t take my CD collection. If someone was going to hump me for two years, they could have the fucking record player.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
The weather in Scotland changes people. You’ll notice that not a lot of people have wind chimes in their house. It'll be like having tinnitis. Also, the winter is a terrible time for Scottish men to get laid because Scottish women wear so many clothes.
You know how that in movies a man’s sexual passage is when he undoes the woman’s bra strap, in Scotland it’s the first button you get undone on their duffel coat. Just another two to go! Then I’ve got my hands on that fleece! Layers and layers! Having a gang bang in Scotland is like playing pass the parcel!
Anyone who's been to Middlesbrough will know that living till 53 is maybe a bit long. It's sort of like Blade Runner without the special effects.
The east end of Glasgow is already like the Olympics. Lots of people wandering around struggling to speak English wearing tracksuits.
There’s loads of controversy over gay adoption. Where’s the controversy? I’d have loved to have a gay dad. Do you remember all that stuff at school like “Oh, my dad will batter your dad” “No, my dad will batter your dad”. Hey! Listen! My dad will shag your dad! And your dad will enjoy it.
They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon. It’s good that they’re holding the Olympics in the east end of London. It means they’ll have to use extra skill to decide which of the gun fires heard was the starting pistol.
They’re saying that the whole thing with school is that it’s never going to be as stimulating as life now? Because they’ve got blockbuster movies and video games. There’s no way that school can be as interesting as Tekken. “Sir, why have you got the head of a leopard?” “Quiet, boy! Fireball!”
20% of all men say they have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just don't think it's a problem.
0 Comments 214 weeks
Help yourself to nibbles ... He was our favourite Hamster but it's what he would
I hope no one is allergic to nuts ... Because I like to rest mine on the table.
Apparently the guards put sperm in Paris Hilton’s porridge when she was in prison. That’s got to be horrible for her. “Eurgh! There’s porridge in this!”
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
I read a woman’s valentines magazine the other day and saw an article entitled ‘How to know what’s going through the man in your life’s mind as he’s choosing your present”. It was a surprisingly long article, which at no point featured the words “This’ll do! A giant Toblerone, she’ll love that!”
Pregnant women are going to get £120 to buy fruit and vegetables. Although, obviously, they’ll all spend it on a prostitute for their partners so they don’t have to take it up the arse for nine months. People are going to start pretending to be pregnant and will end up hiring dwarves with potholing experience.
Dear Points of View, watching Queer Eye For The Straight Guy made me think that if I had gay friends, they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me. (followed by an extended laugh, causing Ed Byrne to turn over to the wall)
Last night, I was watching Nigella Lawson, and I picked up a couple of tips on baking bread. And in the process I just about ripped my cock off.
(On the cost of Margaret Thatcher's state funeral) For £3 million they could give everyone in Scotland a shovel and we would dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally!
I saw Saddam's hanging on YouTube and it made me think. It made me think... is there nothing on the Internet that I won't masturbate to?
I thought it was sad that, you know, that they had that pop concert to commemorate Diana. I mean, she didn't have much to do with pop music, did she? They should've done something that celebrated what was really great about her life: by staging a gangbang in a minefield.
(extended laugh) It'd be interesting to see if that makes it in to be honest.
Viagra's over-rated, isn't it? D'you know Viagra actually takes half an hour to have any effect? I often find that in that time the woman has managed to wriggle free.
(In reference to the Large Hadron Collider) Because the thing is I'm sure they're going to find out some interesting things about protons, but I would add, I don't give a fuck.
(On The Jeremy Kyle Show) Even Kerry Katona's sitting at home going "For fuck's sake!"
0 Comments 214 weeks
Being Scottish is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or ,aTurkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most Scottish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Scotland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Scotland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Sotland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Scotland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Scotland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Scotland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Scotland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Scots die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Scots were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Scots are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Scots have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Scots have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
Scottish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Scots had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Scots were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
In 2000 eight Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
If you're proud to be a Scot, send this on!
SCOTLAND - Love it, or Leave it
4 Comments 298 weeks
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