Hurricane Senga hit the town of Port Glasgow in the early hours of
yesterday morning!
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Pure mental,
man-no?'
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £90 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Butlins and
Largs
were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of
burnt
out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their
giros
arrived the next morning.
Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were
particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the
hurricane
arrived. 22 asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Robert
Street ; rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.
The
Tele reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered
and
were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Port Glasgow
One resident Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, 'It
gied
me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came
running
into my bedroom greetin. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-
Storm
slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha
the
next morning, so ah wiz'. Neighbour Joseph'young young' Docherty said
'the
noise wiz tremendous, at first ah thoat it wiz the neds coming oot of
Sudgies Bar but it wiz even worser'. The British Red Cross has so far
managed
to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast and two tons of Tunnocks Teacakes to
the
area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and Bone
China
from Poundstretchers. Residents in neighbouring Gibshill offered to
accommodate those left homeless, but the port glasgow people decided
that
they were better off where they were. A council spokesman indicated
that
it would take at least a full morning to get things looking like
normal
and added 'there huz been a pure blitz spirit - everybuddies been
pure
blitzed'. Poundshop has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow
residents to
refurbish their homes. The BBC has announced that Kate Adie will be
sent
in as soon as she has upgraded the personal protection she had in
Baghdad .
The Government pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chipshops,the£
shop
and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing most
sought
after include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps. Hoodies. Kappa
tracksuit
tops (his and hers). Shell suits (female). White sport socks,
Rockport
boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required,
please
try and include : - Microwave chips. Pies from Greggs. Sugar puffs.
Tins
of spaghetti. Gypsy Creams. Curly-wurlies. Red Kola.
Cans of Special Brew and Diamond White. Bottles of Buckie or
Eldorado.
Glue or hairspay.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips,
crisps and Irn Bru for a family of 9. £3 will pay for a pouch of
tobacco,
papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a ten-year girl in the rubble smothered in
raspberry
alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from? they asked.
'Oronsay Avenue' said the girl, 'whits it got to dae wi you?'
It transpired the wee girl had lost her bunny rabbit, the rescuers
being
distraught at seeing the wee one upset, volunteered to buy her a new
one '
Would you like a fluffy white rabbit?' asked one. 'Or what about a
cuddly
wee brown one with long floppy ears' asked another.
The wee girl replies 'See tae be honest guys, I don't fink my pet
python
will give a f***!

A type of (fictional) Japanese dildo. From William Burroughs' infamous 1959 book Naked Lunch. See the following excerpt:
Mary is strapping on a rubber penis. "Steely Dan III from Yokohama," she says, caressing the shaft. Milk spurts across the room. "Be sure that milk is pasteurized. Don't go giving me some kinda awful cow disease like anthrax or glanders or aftosa...."

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