Is it me, or am I getting more temperental??

Today, JUST NOW, i had to put the phone on the scanner so that i can call somebody. My father came in, saw it, and lectured me on putting the phone PROPERLY. HE moved the phone such that my mouse had no place on the computer table, than moved my mouse such that I have NO PLACE to do my homework. Than i protested, so he put the phone back on the table which is going to DROP. And it is all going to be my fault. Just before he left, he said,"You are just terrible, you."

At that time, I....No. I can't say. I had a vision of jumping up and slamming him to the ground. I punched my book when he was gone.

I am really scared. What is happening to me? Half of me just want to cry in someone's arms, the other half just want to punch someone up and scream for the whole world to hear.

One day..last time...my father accidentaly walked into me in the bathroom. Which was not locked but closed. He promptly walked out, but gave me a ood scolding afterwards, with my mother backing him up.

A few days after, I walked into my mother in the bathroom. Which was also not locked but closed. And got a HUGE scolding by my mother and father. I told them about the accident where my father walked into me, and protested that it was SO NOT FAIR. Did they listen?? Noooooooooooooo. they continued watching their dumb movie. At that time I was REALLY MAD. I really wanted to beat them up or something. Anything.

-Sze Min-

My Grandma died. Quite peacefully.

I am not worried about that. People come and go.

I am worried about the after-effects.

My father, for example.

His feelings are all trapped inside him. One day he would lash out at somebody. Me.

I was lucky the last time round. He lashed out at his own father, my grandfather.

I could not be always so lucky.

Someday. Someday it would be me.

When I was young, I always craved for this kind of drama. Then I would be pitied. I thoroughly regret it now.

Who wants a ill grandfather and an irate father?

I was foolish enough to wish for that.

Now my wish had come true.

Finally.

Do you know..that however much we try..we always end up saying the wrong thing? Ok...maybe for me..don't really know about you guys.

This is not really an example.

Yesterday, I was making oatmeal for myself. My mother came in and wanted to do oats too. I was having a sore throat then.

She was pouring honey into the oats when I wanted some too. I asked her for it but she did not hear me. So I asked again. And asked again. And got into a coughing fit. She then realised I was trying to ask her something.

"I want the honey!" I was rasping like...a raspberry(?) and so I wheezed...

"Can you please DO NOT SHOUT!" Don't know what sparked off that shout...but my mother shouted all the same.

"Look who's shouting." I was kind of irritated by then.


I have a feeling that my father does not really want to be around me anymore than last time...Maybe because of my grandfather...Anyway..we shall see.

-Sze Min