Before he tumbled to disgrace in the Stade Louis II, Big Orange Ron was known not as a racist lunatic, but as football punditry’s great linguistic innovator.

However, while the jewel-strewn genius is rightly lauded for his pioneering phraseology, many people forget the equally phenomenal contribution Ron has made to the timeless art of guff. However, while less distinguished guff merchants are betrayed by the folly of their own nonsense, Ron’s occasional faux pas only further underlines his unique contribution to the game.


Football Knowledge

Football may be a beautiful game, but it's not a simple one. Establishing the mastery that Ron exudes takes years of experience and training. Witness these astonishing insights from the big goldhorse. It just doesn't have a price....


"They've done the old-fashioned things well; they've kicked the ball, they've headed it..."


"I've had this sneaking feeling throughout the game that it's there to be won."


"Woodcock would have scored, but his shot was too perfect."


"They must go for it now as they have nothing to lose but the match."


"Now Manchester United are 2-1 down on aggregate, they are in a better position than when they started the game at 1-1."



Mastery Of Language

(a) The metaphor
Co-commentating apprentices like Beglin and Waddle may think it's sufficient to arm yourself with a single metaphor before commenting on an incident. Not Ron. Real legends come to the party with metaphors and similes aplenty, and do not hesitate to lump the whole lot into a single sentence if the situation demands. Confusion? We prefer to call it genius.


"Beckenbauer has really gambled all his eggs."


"Tony Adams - he's the rock that the team has grown from."


"He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate."


"Someone in the England team will have to grab the ball by the horns."


"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders."


"He's treading on dangerous water there..."


"Chelsea look like they've got a couple more gears left in the locker."



(b) Clarity


Ron's spent long enough wrestling with The Sun crossword to know that people don't like to be kept guessing. While peppering his co-commentary with fascinating insights and useful facts, Ron's precise language skills ensure that even the non-initiated can closely follow events on the pitch.


"There's a little triangle - five left-footed players."


"For me the book’s still open on Totti."


"You think he’d chance his hat there."


"Liverpool are outnumbered numerically in midfield."


"I would also think that the replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."


"He's not only a good player, but he's spiteful in the nicest sense of the word."


"The keeper was unsighted - he still didn't see it."


"You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time."


"That was Pele's strength - holding people off with his arm."



Decisiveness

It's no picnic putting your neck on the line with bold predictions every week, you know. Look what happened to Rodney Marsh’s hair and Lawro’s tache, for example. Ron, in the best tradition of plucky punditry is never afraid to call it early.


"I wouldn't say Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."


"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."


"City will want to win this one."



Awareness

High profile purveyors of punditry have to continually look over their shoulders. There's always a smartarse keen to twist their words for comic effect. With that in mind, Ron's eventual demise was all the more surprising. Such an experienced campaigner has always known the value of choosing his words carefully.


"Moreno thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard."


"There's lots of balls dropping off people."


"Ever

The Metaphor Matador
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 .........


Metaphor king, chicken counter extraordinaire, and master of many languages. George Hamilton and your guff, we simply stand back and admire.


"Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face of Manchester United's attacks. But this rabbit comes with a suit of armour in the shape of two precious away goals."
Simply the greatest sentence ever uttered.


“And Hyypia rises like a giraffe to head the ball clear.”
George alludes to the giant African mammal renowned for its mighty leaps.


"Russia have beaten Ireland 4-2, Albania 4-1 and now Switzerland 4-1 at home. It would be a wise man who bet against them beating Georgia."
Bet George Hamilton's a popular man down his local bookies.



”What a goal. What a goal! Straight through the legs of Adams, it flew towards the roof of the net like a Wurlitzer!"
Hope that didn't go straight down the keeper's throat.



”The midfield are like a chef...........trying to prise open a stubborn oyster to get at the fleshy meat inside.”
Reckon Keano would have got the hammer out.



“The orange tide is lapping against the green door which refuses to open.”
George is all at sea with this maritime metaphor.



"Glum Oranges. In fact I think the fruit their feelings are more akin to is a lemon."
The coup de grace from Ireland’s defeat of Holland.



“We could let them score one now and they wouldn't have time to score another.”
George perhaps reveals why he choose commentary above coaching as he comes up with a novel way of running down the clock.



”Kevin Moran.....oldest man on the pitch today...35 years of age.....of course the referee could possibly be older than that ......and technically he's on the pitch too.....then again his linesmen could be even older than him... but are they technically 'on' the pitch.”
George digs and digs 'til daylight is but a distant memory.



”That should be NO problem for the defence - OH NOOOO!!"
A familiar refrain.


"Poland have to score twice now to draw and they will not do so."
The Poles duly knock one in. Minutes later.....



"I might be tempting fate but I can't see the Poles Scoring...OH NOOOO they just have!!"
By DangerHere's calculations, George is directly responsible for 87% of the goals Ireland have conceded during his reign in the gantry.



George: "Roy Carsley has it"
Jim: "Lee Carsley, George"
George: "Ah yes, perhaps it's because his head reminds me of Ray Wilkins"



“Italy are preparing to make a substitution - and it is, the unmistakable figure............of Roberto Baggio”
George announces the arrival on the pitch of..... Gianluca Vialli. Unfortunately, the two subs had got their shirts mixed up.



“And Ireland have got to contain the brothers Baggio.”
George surely was the only one not to know.



”The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related.”
But at least he cleared it up. Or did he?



”The seeds of doubt that were sown at the weekend against Egypt have been doused by a dose of Jack Charlton's almighty weedkiller.”
George goes green in Italia 90



“If that’s not offside, I’m a Chinaman!”
George reveals his oriental background after a perfectly correct refereeing decision.



“You sir, are an idiot!”
George politely rebukes Lilian Laslandes after a red card offence.



“He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!”
Our George thinks THE George as Butragueno is replaced.



”Red Sky at night, good day tomorrow.”
George reckons that the popular proverb needs a little simplification



”Bless my soul, he’s missed it!”
George is disappointed in Simone Inzaghi's penalty taking skills.



"Two nil and the ability to score goals in seventeen consecutive matches, getting the ball in the net, it, the shape of

* "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.[4]"
* "I am Cantona, I can go as I want"'.
* "My best moment? I have a lot of good moments but the one I prefer is when I kicked the hooligan."
* "I didn't study; I live. You can't study these things - life teaches them to you. You don't find them in a book... I've read a lot of Socrates on Page 3 of the Sun."
* "Sometimes in life one experiences an emotion which is so strong that it is difficult to think, or to reason. Sometimes you get submerged by emotion. I think it's very important to express it - which doesn't necessarily mean hitting someone. I am very mistrustful of people who are constantly over-intellectualising things. It kills passion. You have to allow yourself to lose control from time to time."
* "I feel close to the rebelliousness and vigour of the youth here. Perhaps time will separate us, but nobody can deny that here, behind the windows of Manchester, there is an insane love of football, of celebration and of music."
* "When you are a rich man you are proud to own a Rolls Royce and when you are a poor man you are proud to own a Renault."
* "France does not deserve Auxerre... England maybe, but France does not." about his youth club AJ Auxerre.
* "The Irish public should bow to the feet of Roy Keane, not slate him as he is the best player they will ever have to boast."
* "After his first training session in heaven, George Best, from his favourite right wing, turned the head of God who was filling in at left-back. He nutmegged him and scored a wonderful goal from 30 yards out. I would love him to save me a place in his team - George Best that is, not God."
* "I am God."
* "Football is like making love, if you can't last 90 minutes like me, you wont win"
* "I might have said that, but on the whole I talk a lot of rubbish."
* "I don't play against a particular team. I play against the idea of losing." The latter part of the quote was scrawled on Cantona's body for his official photograph for FIFA 100, Pelé's list of the 125 greatest living footballers.
* Described national teammate Didier Deschamps derisively as "the water-carrier". Cantona meant that Deschamps only existed to pass the ball to more talented players.
* "I had heart, and I know without heart you cannot play."
* "Joga Bonito! Play Beautiful!"
* "No, it is me." (After being asked whether Zinédine Zidane or Michel Platini was the greatest-ever French footballer [5])
* "Goals are like babies... They are all beautiful."