It's right around St. Patrick's Day. This guy is just getting out of a meeting in a large office building, and since the meeting was so long, he has to go pee. So, he goes into the bathroom and starts doing his thing when he notices a Leprechaun taking a leak in the urinal next to him. He says,

Man: "Sorry to bother you, but I noticed your little green top hat, and you're kind of short, are you a Leprechaun?"

Leprechaun: "Aye, laddie, you got me. And since you guessed it you get three wishes, but make it quick because I don't have all fucking day. What's the first one?"

Man: "Well, I've been working all of my life to try to make money but I'm always broke. My first wish is money. Millions and millions of dollars."

Leprechaun: (nods his head once) "When you go to the bank, there will be 1 billion dollars in your account, more than you can ever spend. Now hurry up, what's your second wish?"

Man: "Women. Tons and tons of women."

Leprechaun: (nods his head once) "When you get home there will be 10 naked blondes laying in your bed. They'll do whatever you want. Now hurry the fuck up, what's your last wish?"

Man: "I couldn't help but notice, but you have an extremely large penis for a man of your stature. I wand a dick as big as yours."

Leprechaun: "Ahh, laddie, that's a pretty tall order. If you want a dick this big, you'll have to be willing to take it. Are you willing to take a dick this big?"

Man: "Oh yes, I've always wanted to have a big dick so women will like me."

Leprechaun: "But are you sure you're willing to take it up the bum?"

Man: "YES!"

At his point the Leprechaun gets behind the man, pulls his pants down, and rams him in the ass. He's pumping away and the man is screaming and groaning having to take a dick this big. As he is doing his deed, the Leprechaun says,

Leprechaun: "So, laddie... How old are you anyway?"

Man: (straining to get the words out) "Twenty-nine!"

Leprechaun: "And you still believe in Leprechauns, do you..."

Roses are Red
Diamonds are Blue
I will fight any Wanker
That fucks with you

I've got your back, if you've got mine

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.

They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Whoa!!!


PULL IT OUT!!!


PULL IT OUT NOW!!!


I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
face!*!*!*!*!