I can feel the world clench its cold hands around my throat, making me gasp for air, while everyone else is enjoying life. I still hide it behind smiles and laughs. Now as i still strugle with my air trying to live it becomes clear to me the world still just wants me to die. I try so hard to make it seem like i dont care about it, but it still just wants me dead. As i try to find my place in the world, i still want to lock myself in and shut the world out. Its all i ever want to do is just shut the world out. I know i want to be with my friends and be the old me...it just seems harder everyday. My wrists burn from cutting, but yet still seems its not deep enough to hurt me. I just take the knife and do it again, deeper, harder, so maybe just maybe it would hurt me so much that i wouldnt be able to feel it anymore. But yet as i drag that knife across my skin i think that im doing the right thing, makin me the way i am now. Just as i think im done something else makes me do it again. Sometimes i hate the world and i feel it hates me. Nothing in my life feels right anymore. I just feel like it wants me to be unhappy for the rest of my life. My life never wants me to be happy. It pulls me right down into the darkness. As it pulls me deeper, I gasp for the air, the last and final breath wants to just leave me body, and never come back. And as i lie on the floor i wonder what it would be like to just take my life and be done. Staring into the darkness makes me feel like im dead, so why not just be dead? I know there are still people who want me to live, but to me they dont matter. I know my friends feel pain but they dont understand my pain. The pain of not having someone to hold u and be at ur side 24/7...They have no idea how much pain it is to see what i see in my head everyday. Seeing me kill my own friends in my head just brings more pain to my heart than i can handle. Seeing myself covered in blood and gasping for air on the floor. Seeing everyone i love dead, killed by me just makes me more sad than i already am. I hate feeling like no one wants me or no one wants to be around me because i have problems with myself. I hate the feeling of being left out, and being alone. I hate being dead inside and not wanting to love anyone anymore. But i love the fact that i dont have to be committed to someone that will bring me down. But i hate the fact that no one wants to be with me to fix that. I want to be committed to someone that wont bring me down but back up. I dont want to be in this slump where i act happy on the outside, but im dieing on the inside. But my life isnt a fairytale anymore. I thought it was but i was very wrong, everytime I thought one heartbreak would add to my list it just brought me down more inside and didnt notice it till it all came out. I just want to be locked up in a little room where no one can see me and i wouldnt have to see anyone. That way i wouldnt have to see my world crashing down all around me as i just walk on by like nothing is happening. I make myself smile and laugh while on the inside something different is happening to my mental thought. I hate feeling like when i walk into a room that everyone was just talking about me. I wish that i could take back time and just not even thought about going to the doctors and knowing whats wrong with me. Sometimes i wish i would disappear from the world and no one would miss me, so even i could maybe be happy with myself then. I wish that i could cut deep enough to just make all of this go away and be back to my old self. I wish i could find the key to fuckin unlock me from this hell. If there was a parallel universe i would be so much happier than i actually am. If i had a choice of what life i wanted to lead, i dont know which one i would choose. I love to be with my friends, but sometimes i just want to be alone. Sometimes dont u just feel like u cant take it anymore but still wear a smile on ur face so no one really knows what ur actually like? I sure

If i died today would u care? Would u go on with ur life like i was just somegirl u knew? If u could see allthe scares on my wrists would u even care? HOw could u leave me here to die alone. Made me believe that i wasnt good enough for u. U told me lies and i believed them. I thought u were perfect, but i was very wrong. I thought we would be together forever but i thought wrong. While i was here loving u, u werent loving me back. U made me think that i was the one for u... But that was a lie. Now im lying on the floor with pills in one hand and a knife in the other. My wristsare spilling blood all over my floor. No one knew that u were the one who did this to me. U see my dead lifeless body all the blood over me. And on the wall written in blood was words that said ARE U HAPPY NOW? I'M GONE AND NOT COMING BACK... And as u cry, people figure out i died cause u didnt love me like i loved u.

My heart breaks but still I stand by your side with no doubt and you ask why and I say as much as I want to hate you I cant because Im still in love with you. No matter how far you are away from me you will still love me. We both know that we should be together but we arent and were never happy. And we will never know what would of been...