Last night when I was trying to get to sleep my mind was racing with a million things all at once. It was like I couldn't hold on to one single thought or even just turn my brain off so that I could rest. When I finally got to the point where I could sleep..... this vision stuck in my head. I was standing in the bathroom, in front of the mirror above the sink. Staring at myself, tears streaming down my face. The mirror began to steam because of the hot water. Behind me it was dim, I could feel the cold bathroom tiles beneath my bare feet. I was shirt less. In my right hand I held a huge bladed knife. It was super clean like it was brand new. My left hand laid limp, I'd slit my wrist. The sink was now overflowing with hot scalding water. Thick dark red blood flowed from my self inflicted woud. I slit my other wrist and plunged my arms into the overflowing sink. At first it stung, the extreme temperature of the water. I was losing a lot of blood and quickly. I sank to the floor and I felt cool all over. The rush hour of thoughts running through my mind was now beginning to clear. I felt nothing anymore. I was numb and then it was dark. I was surrounded by darkness for about 30 seconds when something jolted within my memory. Everything began to rewind back to the event that lead to my suicide. It was strange seeing myself die at my own hands. It didn't seem final... like I wan't really dead, just like a do-over..... you know how when you die in a video game and you can come back and start fresh..... that's what it was like. But I came back to what lead to my suicide for a reason. I was suppossed to do something different, I just didn't know what that thing was. I fell asleep after that.

Coming Off the Top
Current mood: complacent

Where do I begin? I have so many things that I want and need to say but I can't find a place to start. I've started this topic or these topics in my head over and over about 20 different ways in my head and now I can't seem to come up with the first sentence...... sitting still waiting for some inspiration of expression to come to me. The room slightly spinning around me. The pain in my stomach is accompanied by a syrupy scratchyness in my throat. Posted on my face is what feels like a neutral expression but I know that it's one of mysterious sorrow. I put on my happy face mask to greet people but today it's transparent. My grin and bare it tonic isn't working this morning. As I walked accross the cold Charles river bridge this morning I couldn't help but feel like that was my life right now. Windy as hell walking over cold wet pavement. The rough water to my right and me clutching onto a flimsy umbrella trying to sheild myself from the rain. The wind is too strong though, pushing me towards traffic and turning my umbrella inside out un sheilding me........... I'm not a part of 'IT' or 'THEM'. Something about me is different I stick out like a sore thumb. I may look like 'THEM' on the outside but if you look into my eyes you can tell that there's something very seperate about us. I used to be one of them, I'm a part of their group but now I'm starting to realize just how much I don't belong. I have faith and I belive in God and I love him dearly. 'They' which is also 'THEM' also love and believe in God. So how are we different? Certain things that I've dealt and have been dealing with in my life lead me to an understanding that they don't have. We all have our struggles but it seems like out of all the struggles in the world I've had the one's that are least forgiveable and acceptable. I'm not going to say what those are........ maybe you'll be able to decipher them from my words but nonetheless............ sitting around in a room full of people. People who are sharing their opinions which they're entitled too but you can't help but feel like screaming when you hear what comes out of their mouths. How can someone speak so boldly and confidently about what they know nothing about? Sometimes I want to scream and yell and grab them by the neck and tell them that they have no iDEa what it's like. Do you know what it's like to try and get healed, to be rid of something and it won't go away. To have it haunt you? Do you know what it's like to love someone so much and know that the secret you carry could potentially mess up their life? Do you know what it's like to walk around with your head hanging down not knowing who or what you are? Do you know what it's like to want to kill yourself not because you want to die, but because it seems like the only solution, to fix everything? Do you know what it's like to start to see a glimpse of promise, of getting better and them WHAM!! You're back where you started but worse? Do you know what it's like to be confused out of your mind, to want to cry but can't, to want to be able to show some sort of emotion, remorse. If I could talk to 'THEM' I would but they wouldn't understand, they judge me and shun me and I don't need that. They only have a certain level of trust and it can go no further than that. When they try and dig too deep I pull away. I go into my own world............. I'm starting to shut down, cut people off and runaway. All I can hear is ringing in my ears as my head spins and my stomach churns. My arch enemy has come back, I thought I got away that I was making a new life for myself and then this bastard shows up. NO one clear thought stays in my mind for too long, it's like someone has a remote to my brain and keeps changing the channel. Sitting in a room of white. The white is so bright that I need sunglasses. I'm dressed in in all white except for my tie and sunglasses, they're black. I'm sitting on a white ottoman loadi

Days like this remind me of being little and stayin home with my parents in our pajamas. Having indoor picnics and pillow fights and movie marathons. I would round up my brother and sister and think of someway to entertain mom and dad. Whether it was putting socks on our hands and ears and pretending we were puppies or coming up with some elaborate song and dance to display our musical talents. Days like this remind me of huddling under the covers and watching cartoons, building forts out of pillows and comforters and being in a self created world. Days like this make me miss my family, the warmth of their company, the laughs and their hugs. Days like this remind me that I'm growing up. Having to make my own life away from home. Even though that's awesome at the same time it's scary, I don't know what the hell I'm doing a lot of the time. Days like this I'm glad I've got God on my side because I can't live this life by myself. Even though I get stubborn, hard headed and disobediant, he never leaves me he loves me unconditionally. Days like this remind me that even though God loves me I still want and need that special bond between two people. The kind of love that my parents have..... Days like this I pray that my friends and family don't feel the pains that I feel . That they're able to be stronger and hold on longer. Not giving up or giving in......... days like this I pray that they're okay, that they make it safely to each and every destination. That they're warm and fed, healthy and happy. I pray that God is keeping them as he is keeping me. I pray this prayer for you on this day, all my friends who away from home are my family. From my heart
- Evan.