This group is for everyone who has been on call, on ward cover, or carrying a bleep/pager of any kind. At medical school you longed for the day when you could carry one, and be a REAL doctor, didn't you?! Now you think of a few places you would like to shove the irritating, noisy bleeping thing...

We all love nurses, because they do the jobs we hate, and look out for us when we are just learning. They also gave the correct dose of drugs when you accidentally wrote milligrams instead of micrograms on your first day. We need them. But...

...there are a few points of etiquette that are unwritten, unspoken, but you just wish every nurse read, understood and inwardly digested:

1. Bleeping/paging is not a spinal reflex. Please take a few seconds to breathe, think and organise your thoughts, and stop flapping about. Half the time you may realise you didn't even need to pick up the phone.

2. Mention what ward you are on. I don't have the whole hospital directory of numbers memorised. If you hang up before telling me, chances are I won't come along. This is called the 'bingo-bleep'.

3. If you bleep/page someone, please wait by the phone. How can there be no-one picking up the phone at your end when I ring back?! This is called the 'bleep-and-run' and is exceptionally irritating.

4. Have the notes, obs chart and drug chart in front of you. Chances are I need to know what the obs were without waiting for you to run over to the bed and look, then run back over to the trolley to get the notes when I ask the next question. This is called the 'relay-bleep' and is probably not fun for you.

5. Please mention the name, age, and working diagnosis of the patient. The following is not acceptable: "Hello doctor, please see patient in 4, 6, she has chest pain". That is 'bleep-spam'

6. All patients with chest pain need an ECG. Don't bleep/page me until one is being done or there in front of you.

7. If I'm in theatre (surgery), leave a clear message. The following is not acceptable: "Can you come to the ward afterwards, there are a few things to do". This also counts as 'bleep-spam'

8. Once in a while I will not respond to my bleep/pager. This is because I am jumping on top of someone's chest trying to save their life. I am NOT 'on break'. Doctors don't have these.

9. Please check with the other nurses that you aren't asking the same question as them. I really hate being bleeped/paged from the same ward from two phones and two nurses for same patient. This is called the 'déjà-bleep' and is distinctly un-fun

10. You spend twenty times as much time with each patient than we do. We appreciate your opinion and pertinent information. The following is not acceptable: "Well you're the doctor, you should know". Well actually I'm on call and have never met this patient who has spent 5 weeks with you.

11. Please be cheery on the phone and perhaps even flirt a little. I've just spent 12 hours running around the hospital doing mundane tasks, talking to angry relatives, putting my finger up bums, taking blood and ordering xrays. You will get your way far easier by making me smile.

12. When I answer the bleep/page please don't say 'Oops, sorry I had a question but not any more". This is called the 'fart-bleep' and gets on my nerves (See also point 1).

13. Please don't ask me to see virtually every patient on your ward when I'm on call. That's called a ward round.

14. If you do cannulae on the ward regularly you will be my favourite nurse and I will do anything you say.

15. If I answer my bleep/pager and the line is engaged because you are bleeping/paging me from that phone again, I may well explode. This is called the 'torpedo-bleep' because of its incessant battle with my morale. Three hits and the boat may sink.

16. If a patient has died, he/she no longer cares how long it takes me to get to the ward. That's a medical fact. Chances are I can do a few other jobs on my way there. If you bleep me again for this

SIGHTHILL EARTHQUAKE

At 00.54 on Saturday, 10th March 2007 a major earthquake hit measuring 5.2 on the richter scale epicentered on Sighthill, Edinburgh.
Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly mutering " ah wiz shittin' maself, ah needs some jellies". The earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused; many were woken well b4 their giro arrived, several priceless collections of momentos from the balearics and costa were damaged. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened at the calders. 1 resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17yr old mother of 3 said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying, my youngest 2 Tyler-Morgan and Shaunni slept through it. I wiz still shaking when i watched Tricia this morning". Apparently looting still carried on as normal, Gary and Grant are still argueing with their random's still in bed. THe British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 cases of buckie to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and umteem opened gmh pack with empty popper bottles.
HOW CAN U HELP
Clothing is most sought after, items required include; sovvy rings, baseball caps, shell suits, tesco 2 stripe trainers, white sports socks and chunky gold chains. Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same, these include; tunnocks caramel wafers, buckfast, chips an curry sauce, buckfast, mince pies, buckfast, crisps, buckfast.
£2.00 buys chips, scraps and fanta for a family of 4, £10.00 can take a family to saughton park for the day where children can glue sniff and spike up amongst the national collection of stingy nettles, 22p buys a biro to fill out a spurious compensation claim, please send your credit card number.