1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's : right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Awesome moments when i was there...
In honour of Mera's blog

'I gladly accept this award and would also like to thank everyone who made this possible for me; my fans, my agent, god, budda, rick james, peter griffin, the mad sqwad, my drinkin budd kev, shovel hands clark, kevs flatmates, lewis 3/2, oasis, lloyd banks, paul daniels, jack daniels, jack bauer, kenneth, lewis the hamster, frazer dunlop, jane, alla, anna, hannah, jo-anna, stella, vk's, shots, clarks mate del, carron, steph, jumpin' jaks, kusion, campus, walkabout, strathy (of course), capitol, buckie, mad dawg, dave chappelle, will ferrell, steve carrell, james sloan, jesters, jj, britpop, new rave, indie, hardcore soft porn, caley court, barry beggs, hernando, brandon flowers, outkast...
finally a special mention goes to erin, chris, megan, kirsty and micheal for putting up wit ma pish - god bless u all...thank u and good nite XxXxX' <-------he wasnt drunk i just love it!

[On the kitchen] Here, I like wot you"ve done to the place.

Watch your fingers!

No, no, no, have you still got Chickenpox?!

I"ll risk the pox

Did I say something funny??

Gee us one ae them fuckin".. US marine haircuts

I used to have perfect elbows...like this one.

Got treated straight away, like Jack Lightening... he"s frightening.

Clark was high as a mother-fucker

Big Dave is coming up! He"s my bezzie mate... I"d gladly huv "im.

See if folk labelled me "a gay", a wouldnae give a shit. I"d gladly go to a gay club.

Go wherever you want man, anywhere.

I only deal in money over 20p

Do you have a problem with homosexuals? Good, I support their cause.

Are you writing a letter, Megan?? You used to be cool! Infact you used to be more than cool.

Dooo eeett.

She won the prize for being clever at school bytheway.

Fuckiiing Ben fuckinnnnn Galloway

Am I making a "Cammy"o appearance?

I can"t down it, I"m looking after my weight.

You"ve gotta be reallll nice to Big Dave.

Pins? In a drawing board? What is the world coming to?

You"re meant to drink it straight... like a pirate.

It"s quite clearly the best drink ever invented.. by pandas.

Whisky"s a cruel mistress.

A wee dram...ohh might have another wee dram.. before you know it: 300 year old whisky, might aswell be drinkin" tap water

I feel like a cowboy [Drinking out of my (empty) hip flask]

I"d rather go into my room and have sex with a man, than do that again.

Megan, I don"t quite appreciate your approach to folk who go bald at an early age.

Cunts cannae be doin" this... cunts canny be doin" that... Megan, take a look at yourself!

Johnny Lennon! Where"s that mofo at?

Ooooh fuckin hell you want to of seen the diddys on this lassie the night... fuckinnnn massive!

You hold this and I will tell you wot I"ve done wi" Oasis... left nostril stuff.

So I"m definitely gonna have to go on Bebo? That"s pretty selfish, int it?

I did get drunk... I took one for the team!

I"m as hard as the incredible Hulk. [in the same breath] I feel sick.

I quite clearly haven"t drank enough.

Right now. "Mon Megan. Put your laptop down!

You sound like my mother [to Megan]

No really, man. I"d quite clearly hammer you.

Whoelseisinuuuuuu....

I"m celliate (Celibate?)

I"ve never even kissed a girl in my life.

Too far, too far, too far, you wurny here so fair enough.

Name a boy I"ve kissed, Megan.