there is this thing that i cant stop thinking bout. its so annoying that its pretty much affecting my wellbeing, so i gone tell you and ask you what i should do.
i like this guy cause hes a really good friend we can talk about ALMOST everything and were pretty tight but he just is so hard to understand. he comes from a hood upbringing and though he hasnt said anything i can assume hes gone through alot of shit. his outlook on life is real negative and a wannabe staunch guy but thats just not him.
we were at a friends social gathering celebrating her 21 years (it was soooo awsomo by the way) and he told me how he felt. he said he wanted to be with me and that he likes the way i make him want to be somebody of worth and value. i didnt know if it was the alcohol intake talking or if he was genuine but it made me feel sooo uncomfortable. being the good girl that i am (not drinking and everything) i toltally fobbed him off. we woke up the next morning and i was the only one to remember the events of the previous night bearing in mind the fact that i was the only sober person.
now its so awkward around him. i cant help it. every time he is in the same room i cant help but think if hes looking at me, if hes even maybe thinking of me or if the things he does is for my benefit. i havent spoken to him about it because im a little scared. i pretend that it didnt happen but in the back of my head this little voice just keeps reminding me.
we text each other alot but the stuff we say is just surface shit so last night i decided to be a dick and pry into his life. i asked him what he wanted with his life and he told me he wanted to be the bestest lyricist in whole of nz which was cool. i then asked him how he thinks thats going to come true with the attitude he has. he told me i didnt understand and that there is nothing wrong with how he is the way he is. that was afob off, i UNDERSTOOD that! i told him that he needed to make the most of every experience in life and use it to his advantage. i think i offended him cause his reply was 'ok peace' and that was it.
so now you know the story or have an understanding of it do you think i was a little to hard on him or is he being a dick? i really value his friendship but am confused most of the time about who he really is. should i continue to try and know him or is it a waste of my time and it would better the situation if i just wasnt his friend anymore.

...he said he wanted to spend the night...
...said he wanted to be with me...........
...moved slowly to lie beside me..........
...unsure i hesitated.....................
...told him no............................
...now its so awkward.....................
...now its all wrong......................
what if
...cant say how i feel about him..........
...hes my friend..........................
...a friend i rejected....................
...would it better the situation if.......
...i had allowed his closeness to be real.
...so many things.........................
...so many thoughts.......................
...swimming in my head....................
...does he make me happy..................
...can i truly feel the same..............
...i have wanted his close embrace........
...have wanted to be held.................
...but fear of the unknown................
...keeps holding me back..................
...maybe if things were different.........
it would be right
...maybe if it happened different.........
it could have been
...i suppose thats all it will be.........

...SOMETHING..

THAT .........

...COULD......

HAVE..........

...BEEN.......

you look at me and see a girl
who lives inside a golden world
but dont believe thats all there is to see
theyll never bring her to her knees

she smiles through a thousand tears
and habours at a lake of fears
she dreams of all that she could never be
she waits in insecurity
and hides herself inside of me

dont think she takes it all for granted
im well aware of all i have
dont think that iam this enchanting
please understand

it seems as though ive always been
somebody outside looking in
well here i am for all the world to see
they cant take my heart from me

theyll never bring me to my knees

theyll never know the REAL me