Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died
Of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O,Neil, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'

Ye come up here tae paradise, Tae beat us at yer game!
Aw wind an pish yer ful o sh*t, Yer al e bl**dy same!

Ye caw yersels world champions, E nations most elite!
Wel SCOTLAND ar e greatest now, Cos yuv jus been f*ckin beat!

A game that wis invented, For English gentlemen!
No Highland jocks we tartan frocks, Wel bl**dy think again!

A baw that is shappit lek an egg, Its jus a stupid farce!
Bit'a suppose it makes it easier, Tae ram it up yer a*se!

So f*ck off hom an lick yer wounds, Ye bunch o stupid fools!
Its time fur ye tae cheat again, An change e f*ckin rules!

Rugby,fitbal an cricket tae, Yer jus a shower o chancers!
So stick tae wat ye dae best, Ye morris f*ckin DANCERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have broug ht her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: