I have told myself all my life that I would not fall into peer preasure. But I have failed. And failed missarably. I may not have drank at this party but possible something that I will be less willing to forgive myself for. I am soooo stupid and I hope that John never finds out about this. I went to Stormy's 18th B-day party. It was a blast. Then Blake, Chris and Tisha wanted me to go for a drive with them. We went down to a place called Horsetheif or something to that effect. It was really freaky. Blake said that it was where the Blairwitch project was filmed and that it had many ghost there. To begin with I was like ya right whatever but as we were walking throught the shambles of the cabin the lights on the truck went out. Then we went outside to head back to the truck cuz I was getting quite scared then the lights started flashing (only two times in a row then they would stop.) then the horn would honk twice. then everything would stop. I kept trying to convince myself that there was someone in the truck or something like that but we were seriously the only ones to go and the party was a couple miles away. It was sooo totally freaky. When we got back to the truck the doors were all looked and only the front passanger door would unlock. Cuz all the windows were open but only that one would unlock to begin with. I was soo very scared all the way home tonight. But anyways why I am sooo ashamed of who I am and falling into peer preasure. Chris sat in the back with me while Blake and Tish were up front. Blake stoped the truck and I was like I have to be home in 30 minutes and its a 45 minute drive for me to get home so we had better go. After a couple a minutes of begging I agreed that we could stop for five minutes. Then Blake and Tish started making out and Chris leaned in for a kiss. I didnt know what to do so I just went along with the whole thing. I feel so bad. I cryed all the way home. I dont know why though. I am not technically dating John and he said that I could have fun this summer but I dont know. The whole time he kept kissing me I kept thinking about John. About how I might have missed his call or that if he ever found out would he ever talk to me again. I feel like a really big slut and I hate myself for that. I should probably tell John but I feel bad and dont want him to hate me. I told him I would wait for him. i really didnt know what to do and was too tired I guess to fight him off for the 15 minutes that it took to get back to the rest of the party. I guess I should be happy that I didnt fall into the pressure of drinking but I might have choosen that over sorta cheating on John. I really do love him still. I may not be dating him but my feelings for him never left. Even though I have had other boyfriends and flings he has always been in my heart. I Dont know what to do about the whole thing. But I told Tisha that she couldnt give Chris my number. Besides he is almost or is 21ish and I dont want to deal with that. I feel bad

John came back this week and I dont quite know what to do. I still have feelings for him but he is all the way in California. There is also Chase and I dont want to totally ditch him if John isnt coming back cuz he is really cool and fun to hang out with. JOhn is really trying hard though to come back next year and it would awesome if he could come back. i miss him a ton and he has only been gone a little while. I am talking to him now and I just wish that he was here.

I am probably missing out on the best guy I could ever get. I met this boy named Kyle Davis this weekend. He is so sweet but he is leaving for his misson on Wed. It is really sad. I like him a lot but I didnt get much of a chance to talk to him and get to know him a lot. I wish he was at least staying till the end of the summer so that I could get to know him a little better. I asked Hay to call Quinn and have him give Kyle my adress so that maybe he will write while he is gone. I dont know what to do other than that though. If we had known each other better and he asked me to wait for him I so would. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and cute to boot. He is really shy though so it was kinda hard to determine weather or not he liked me till the end of the day. I am kinda hoping that I can see him again before he leaves but I highly doubt it. When we talked today he said that we had the worst timing. I agree. If only I had met him sooner things might be different. The funny thing is I met him while me and Pat were dating. To bad I couldnt have started dating him then, then maybe he would come back to me after his mission. I cant quite remember where he is going but it is like Bolivia or Bolgaria or something starting with a B. I am going to miss him and I hardly know him. I really hope that he gets my adress and writes to me. Why to mormans have to go on missions. I guess me and hay could wait for our mormans together. But who knows. I feel really bad for hal too. She has had probably one of the worst weekends of her life. If I were her I would have cryed so much. TOday was so much fun just swimming and then hanging out on the dock. The kiss wasnt so bad either. He was sooo sweet. Why does my life have to suck so much. When things start to go good. They just go right back down the drain. I was kinda hopeing also that Quinn whould have given him my number and he would have called tonight but I guess not. I really wish I could have spent more time with him today. Maybe it would have been more than just a kiss on the lips. I am really going to miss him. I dont know what else to say or do though. It is all kinda up to Quinn and Halee weather or not Kyle ever gets to write or talk to me again. Well I dont know what else to say right now. I am just really sad about the whole timming and event of things. Could my life possibly be any worse right now.