'What is your mother's maiden name?' What's her first name? I just knew her as 'Ma'! That'll have to do. [writing on the form] 'Ma. Possibly deceased'.

Paedophiles have more genes in common with the common crab than you and me.Now that is scientific fact. There's no real evidence. But it's scientific fact.

Oh just my usual night out, you know. Went to see an experimental film where nothing happened for two hours. Hung out with a pornographer. Got a job in a burger bar. You know, the usual

YES! Like yesterday's jam! That is what we are to them... Err you know what, that doesn't really work as a thing 'cos jam lasts for ages.

I can't go to prison Roy!They'll rape the flip out of me!

Ah, I can see why you've been having problems. See, this isn't actually a computer - it's a briefcase.

Up with this I will not put!

BLACK POOL, OHHHH SHIT, you mean to tell me theres a pool where the man wanna drown black folk ?/

TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!!

You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm, I'm pretty troubled and I'm, I'm pretty confused. But I... and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I... I... I think you're the fucking Antichrist.

When The Rich Wage War Its The Poor Who Die

I've made a psycho call to the woman I love, kicked a dog to death, and I'm about to pepper spray an acquaintance... I mean, what's happened to me?

God, I'd love to chew on my crotch right now

Mark my words, when you least expect it your uppance will come!

Meg, daddy loves you but daddy also loves Star Trek. And in all fairness,Star trek was here first.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my Mum. I know I've got Irish blood because I wake up everyday with a hangover.

Don't you dare use party as a verb in this shop!

Oh my god... I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket!

We're not arrogant, we just believe we're the best band in the world.

But.. Why is the rum gone?

Despite his criminal mind, this man has behaved well. His reward is the canoe. This time he can sit in the canoe for up to an hour .

In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris.

Hey, crazy looking naked girl with no nipples, whaddya doin' here?

No, I want to tape Ready Steady Cook

Is Jabba the Princess?

I like everything...Do...D'you know everything? Well, I like it...You know all books? I like them all!

What is this... I'm drinking? It's disgu... It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach. It's children's booze! What's yours?