Jack called his Boss one day and said, "Boss, I don't think I'm going to work today, I'm not feeling well". Boss said to Jack, "When I'm not feeling well I go to my wife for sex and I always feel better afterwards". Jack said "I'll try that". Later on Jack showed up at work. "Hey Boss, I'm glad you suggested the sex, by the way, you've got a real nice house".
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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
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A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

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A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
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A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked young woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.

"I'm a snail," the man replied.

"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked young woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong," the man replied, "That's Michelle."
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into

1. I made a move on u:
2. I kissed u:
3. I lived nxt door 2 u:
4. I started smokin:
5. I asked u on a date:
6. I was hospitalized:
7. I ran away from home:
8. I got in 2 a fight n u weren't there?
9. I asked u 2 ave sex?
10. i asked u out?

::WAT DO U FINK BOUT MY::
9. Personality:
10. Eyes:
11. Hair:
12. Body:

::AVE U EVER::
21. Lied 2 make me feel betta?
22. Wanted 2 kiss me?
23. Wanted 2 kill me?
24. Broke my heart?
25. Kept sumthin important from me?
26. Wanted 2 do me?

::WUD U:
38: B my friend?
39. Kiss me?
40. Makeout wit me?
41. Luv me?

1. Do you like anyone? YESH
2. Do they know it? I tink so
3. Simple or complicated? Woteva i still look stupid

In the Last Month-
4. Had sex: u rli think i am like tht
5. Bought something: hardly
6.Gotten sick?: i dnt kno
7. Felt dumb?: alot!
9. Talked to an ex?: kinda i tink
10. Missed someone?: yeah
11. Failed a test: yup
12. Ate cereal: long time ago
13. Danced crazy: when do i not
14. Got your hair cut? cnt memba lst time