Christians day in the library had been bleak. The sniffling living dead, grasping their post office papers and M and S vouchers cut from yesterdays paper, had come and go by the thousand, bringing their ancient bactieria with them, and dribbling their pathogen enriched saliva in his general direction...

Christian had always wondered, at what point in life do you start smelling like a festering shit? Is it the day you retire? or when you recieve your free bus pass? or is it when you shit-piss in your tweed trousers, splashing the area with old spice and brut to "cunningly disguise" the chronic aroma thats diffusing from the brown tapioca stain which is situated in the lower top part of the leg...? Hopefully he will never find out...

As the day passed, the smell became more and more pronounced. There was a definite undeniable relationship between the number of old people and the intensity of stench. Christian almost felt obliged to create a graph... but failed to do so, as he was too busy reaching..



And before i finish, i would like to add something...

Just because someone is wearing a hooded top, it does not automatically mean " This person is going to knife me and steal my sequined handbag"...I'M IN THE LIBRARY!!!
AND EVEN IF IWAS A KNIFE WIELDING THIEF I WOULDNT STEAL FROM YOU.
YOU'VE COME TO MAIDSTONE LIBRARY TO USE RESTRICTED INTERNET FOR FREE - WHICH MAKES ME ASSUME YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE INTERNET AT HOME, WHICH THEN LEADS ME TO ASSUME YOU'VE GOT ABOUT 3 QUID IN THAT HIDEOUS BAG, THAT YOUR PROBABLY GOING TO SPEND ON "CHARLES", YOUR UGLY CORPSE OF A DOG YOU'VE BEEN FEEDING TINNED CHICK PEAS TOO FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS BECAUSE YOUR EYES BAILED ON YOU ON YOUR 900TH BIRTHDAY....

..You cock...

I've been listening to old school hip hop recently, N.W.A to be precise...and have been analysing the differences of speech between your average white person and black gangsters from los angeles.

The following conversations are both talking about the same thing, but there linguistic approach is very unique - I'll start with LA.

"Wad up G, us niggaz gonna roll on down town for some shit nd some hoes"

"Bitchin, wat you ridin?"

"Fat Joes - pimpin - no wat im sayin?"

" For real."

[And now for the white guys.]

"Hello Gangster, me and my fellow nigerian friends are popping down to the red light district to buy drugs and prostitutes,"

"Fantastic! Who's vehicle will you all be travelling in?"

"Obese Josephs -as it resembles a prostitute organizers vehicle - do you understand?"

"Yes."





Strange isnt it....

Twas the Night Before Christmas.......

I thought i would share something i wrote in 2005 just before Christmas. It had been quite an eventful year and i decided it was time to share it.


Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even the rats.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Benjiman soon would be there.

Alice was nestled all snug in her bed,
While visions of dog sex danced in her head.
with phil in suspenders, I had a crap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprung from my crap to see what was the matter.
Away to phils waist I flew like a flash,
Tore open his trousers and examined his gash

The dog shit on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the stench of my breath from objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
a high pitched screaming ben, being chased by reindeer

With an ugly gay driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be a prick.
More rapid than phils shits his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Brian! now Deardry! now Graham and Jack!
Shag Bernard! With Herpes!, and Hairy nad Sacks!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
put your gash away! gash away! gash away all!"

As dry ill shits that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, the stench made me cry
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
A boy with huge arms, and fit girls numbers too.

And then, i was twinkling, I heard on the roof
The dribbling and squirting of phils sweaty moof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney benjamin came with a bound.

He was dressed in a vest and was covered in shit
He was ugly and pointless and looked like a tit
A bundle of arms he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pervert, gropeing his pack.

His eyes-how gormeless, his arms so buff
His buns were rock tight , his breath like a muff
His droll little mouth was taken by teeth,
And his head was near bald, like the chavs in coxheath

The stump of a cock he held tight in his hand
And his scrotum was damp from tea bagging his nan
He had a shaggable face and a fit set of abs,
That he rubbed eroticly, while shagging his dad

He was nobby but fit, he didnt mean any harm
And I came when I saw him- because of his arms
A wink of his eye and a twist of his scrot,
Soon gave me the stench, of his chronic nob rot

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled up his nan, and gave his father a jerk.
And laying his finger aside his nose
gave me a quick hand job, and up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and .......ahhhh i pissed myself......"