Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.




Programming is lyk sex
because…

* One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. (Michael Sinz)
* Once you get started, you’ll only stop because you’re exhausted.
* It takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you’re doing.
* Conversely, there’s some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.
* You can do it for money or for fun.
* If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you’re some kind of freak.
* It’s not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.
* There’s not enough taught about it in public school.
* It doesn’t make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.
* Some people are just naturally good.
* But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you’re wasting your time trying to tell them.
* There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.
* One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.
* It’s a great way to spend a lunch break.
* Everyone acts like they’re the first person to come up with a new technique.
* Everyone who’s done it pokes fun at those who haven’t.
* Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.
* You’ll miss it if it’s been a while.
* There’s always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.
* It doesn’t go so well when you’re drunk, but you’re more likely to do it.
* Sometimes it’s fun to use expensive toys.
* Other people just get in the way.



Only in Ireland....!!!
Only in Ireland... Can a pizza get to your house faster than
an ambulance

Only in Ireland... Do banks leave both doors open and chain
the pens to
the counters.

142 Irish were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from
new shirts.

58 Irish are injured each year by using sharp knives instead
of screwdrivers.

13 Irish have died since 1996 by watering t

(1) Name: bernie
(2) Place of birth: a hospital probably the rotunda
(3) Your birth day: 23rd of december 1987
(4) Zodiac sign: capricorn
(5) Your gender:Male
(6) Single?: hell no general
(7) class: of 2006???
( School: of and knocks and cheap frocks....i made that up
(9) Occupation: game seller to the rich and poor
(10) residence:would be a house of sorts
(11) Want to be?: phycic!
(12) Age you wish you were: this age im happy with my age not too old or young yet
(13) Your height: about 5 something i guess...i have no idea
(14) The color of your eyes: dont know everytime i look they get all fuzzy probably some colour between blue and ...something
(15) The color of your hair: Brown
(16) Piercings?:nada
(1 Tattoos?: yus one for the moment
(19) Braces? Nope
(20) Smoke Cigarettes? haha no aint got the lungs for it
(21) Read the newspaper?:Nah well unless the crosswords count
(22) Pray?: hahaha...oh your serious eh nope
(23) Talk to strangers?: part of the job im afraid
(24) Take walks in the rain?: not lately but used to no to walk with me
(25) Drive?:not yet
(26) Righty or lefty? righty
(27) First pet: bouncer a golden labrador
(2 First sport that i joined: 110 meter sprint team ranked 20th in the world
(29) First award for: egg and spoon race i was a legend at it

H A V E Y O U E V E R ...
(30) Hurt yourself?: yeah woke up in the bottom of a bunk bed sat up and knocked myself unconcious
(31) Been out of the country?: yup mainly those damn hot countries and the isle of man once
(32) Had a surgery?: Yup
(33) Been on stage?: yep i was one of the kittens with mittens
(34) Slept outdoors? Yes
(35) Had a best friend? Yes
(36) Pulled an all-nighter?:unfortunatly
(37) If yes, what is your record?:? day and a half after that i got cranky and fell asleep on stairs stupid phats
(3 Talked on the phone all night?:no cant afford it
(39) Killed someone?: No.....of course not ,that you know of hahah is he joking who knows
(40) Been on radio/TV.?radio i too once rang in and requested a song got on the radio and they played the wrong song and being from finglas i recorded it off course
(41) Been in a mosh-pit?: Yep kicked some ass and got hit in the face by my girlfriend wrapping arms from behind is not advised people push back the phats got kicked in the face during acidtone
(42) Had a dream that kept coming back? oh yes
(43) Shoe brand?: meh anything really lately seems to be ripwave or osiris
(44) What are you normally wearing to school?:a clown costume i find its harder to be picked out in a line up. snitching little shit entrapment it was they wanted the coke as much as i wanted to sell it
(45) Wear hats?: used to enjoy the odd cap or two
(46) Judge other people by their clothing? ccasionally i guess
(47) Wear make-up?: this face is too pretty to hide behind fakeness
(4 Favorite place to shop? : gamestop
(49) Favorite article of clothing?:my hawaianshirt that kev bought me for reel big fish
(50) Are you trendy?:not unless im going out with danielle the i try

B E L I E F S
(51) Believe in life on other planets?: dont care about this one much so to assume there are even more people i hate that just dosnt register could be though well obviously
(52) Miracles?: just me
(53) Astrology?: fuck no
(54) Magic?:nope
(55) God?: no
(56) Satan?: no
(57) Santa?: eh ...no but human kindness
(5 Ghosts?ccasionally
(59) Luck?: nah i make my own
(60) Love at first sight?: i do and luckey for me it has worked out
(61) Witches?: sisters???
(62) Easter bunny?: dosnt say it anywhere in the fuckin bible(63) Do you wish on stars?:no
(64) Angels: see ghosts
(65) Soul mates:welli fthere are other peopel on other planets how can you
(66) Horoscopes: no
FAVORITES
(67) movie: princess bride
(6 TV programme:red dwarf
(69) Colour: blue
(70) song right now: faith -limp bizkit
(71) sport:bit of extreamismness such as roller blading
(72) brand: made in chin

Rant in E-Minor

* They [Australians] celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you're making shit up, you know, go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations. [In faux British accent] "Mummy, today I found a Lincoln log in me sock drawer." "That's the story of Jesus!"

* It's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus. It's a fairly self-explanatory concept: Each week we let the hounds of hell loose and chase that no-talent cracker asshole across the globe until I catch him by that fruity ponytail, pull him to his knees, and put a shotgun in his mouth like a big black cock of death [boom] and we'll be back in '95 with Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton.

*

Do you all have different books in the Bible than I do? Are you all Gideons? Who are the fucking Gideons? Ever met one, no! Ever seen one, no! But they're all over the fucking world, putting Bibles in hotel rooms! Every one of them: "This Bible was placed here by a Gideon." When? I've been here all day and I ain't seen shit! I saw the housekeeper come and go, I saw the minibar guy come and go, I've never laid eyes on a fucking Gideon! What are they, ninjas? Where are they? Where are they from? Gidea? Who the fuck are these people?!

I'm gonna capture a Gideon. Yeah, I'm gonna make that my hobby. I'll call up the front desk one day and say, "Uh, I don't seem to have a Bible in my room."

* People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping "aren't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

*

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gutlaugh. Ha ha ha ha!

Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people … are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: "They're annoying, they're idiots." "They're evil, they're fucks!" Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that's me …

* We're pro-life." Eww, you look it! You look like you're filled with life.

* I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid. Does my penis make me a bad boy? That's what they told me!" Please, give me the Satan-worshipping family down the block … the ones that have the good albums.

* Here is my actual theory … beyond the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory, though: If you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here, that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it to get it out of a horrible situation. Okay? People say, "Why don't