Brandon Heath, "I'm Not Who I Was"

"I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who i was
Used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt-side too
But i'm not who I was

I Found my way around
To forgiving you, sometime ago
But I never got to tell you

I found us in a photograph
Saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was

Ooo, there you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who i was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
Figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who i was

I write about love and such
Maybe because I want it so much
I'm not who i was

I was thinkin' maybe I,
I Should let you know
That I am not the same
But I never did forget your name

But the thing that I find most amazing,
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who i was"
So like this song that has really been on my rpt. list explains, I'm Not who I was.
It's a funny thing when you get to a place in your life and you realize that you're not who you used to be.

I've been trying so hard to change who I am, that i've lost sight of it all, and well...I realized that I already have changed.

Another year, another chance to live.

I'd like to say that this year has been the most chaning i've had, but I couldn't really tell you the truth because i've been changing

so much these past few years that I can't give the definite year of change for myself.
But I do know, that i've never felt more at peace with who I am.
I don't think im anywhere near to being perfect but I know that i've
can say truthfully that i've realized the value in who I am now.

It's kind of funny...but it took me to go through some major self doubt in myself
because of what someone thought they had to power to say about me, to realize
that they don't. It hurt, but only because I put value on their opinion of who I am.
It doesn't make sense for someone who has no idea of who you are or what you
go through to tell you what you are. I had to look at myself, from every angle. See if
there was any truth to what they were saying...and I realized there isn't. I've made my
mistakes and done things I'm not proud of, but that doesn't mean those moments
will define who I am forever. The difference is owning up to them and realizing yeah
you did make them...and not to blame them on being "young and stupid"
I don't think I could ever justify those choices with such an excuse like that.
When I was younger, I probably made better decisions then now. I guess it all comes
down to your priorities in life.

So, I think i've finally done that. With going on my Roadtrip of more or less self-discovery
I got to know a side of myself that I didn't appreciate much. I was able to be myself, the
whole time and not worry about what someone would think or say. The complex most get
with living in a small town. It's a shame that people talk about each other. I didn't realize
how my own small town could be so ignorant or racist.

I've never had to really deal with racism before, till a few weeks ago. I thought for some
reason that I was above it. That my friends and those around me saw something that
was not a stereo-type. I guess I was wrong. I never understood what it was like to have
someone judge you that much because of your skin color or hertiage. It's a shame really
but I fell back on those who do know me, and I realized that it's not true.

I tried to stick up for myself but realized that this person is narrow-minded and will
probably believe whatever it is they want to believe. So, after I gave it to them...I knew
that nothing I would say could change them. So instead...after I saw them, I just looked
at them and told myself, it's too bad they're so unkind, and

Ha...so much has happened since 400 days ago! I was crying over someone who didn't deserve my tears at all...I can't believe I could have been so blind or lied to. I am so free now and I love life. It's not easier, the only part that really is is the one where I don't have to doubt myself or my intuition when I think something is going on that is f'd up. I am stoked to be working, and just knowing that i'm going to take off from here and follow my dreams...and I won't be settling for less!! Cause well...that's just lame Anyways...life is good and im glad fuckface is out of my life...he didnt deserve me in the first place

Life...it's a crazy, funny, horrible, tragic,peaceful,trying, and beautiful. I know I contradict myself by saying all these adjectives in the same sentence, but does that make my statement untrue? I don't believe so.

Crazy:"brainsick: affected with madness or insanity"
Funny:"curious: beyond or deviating from the usual or expected"
Horrible:"atrocious: provoking horror"
Tragic:"very sad; especially involving grief or death or destruction"
Peaceful:"not disturbed by strife or turmoil or war"
Trying:"hard to endure"
Beautiful:"delighting the senses or exciting intellectual or emotional admiration"

There are moments that define you, and there are moments that you define. Situations that test you, lead you, break you, and lift you. Struggles that bring you to your knees...sometimes out of exhustion...and often to surrenderence...and prayer.

Prior to these times...the last is often ignored. Whenever I have these lil times where I like to share my insight, it's because i'm am a living testimony to what i'm talking about. I have in this past year...and even farther back than that lived a life of crazy times.

"One time me and my good friend David decided to go to Cranbrook to possibly visit one of his friends there but she wasn't able to come and hang out...she is now his finace*love how it works out somtimes* and we went to tim hortons, had my usual Medium Mocca and we talked, and decided we'd just go for a drive. This was probably within the first few weeks i'd gotten my new lil civic. So we drove, and drove, we had an awesome talk and before we knew it we were in Fernnie I think. So we stopped there and had another cup of coffee at their timmy ho's, haha. After on our drive home we saw a sign that said " to the lake" and we were feeling quite adventureous, so we went! We ended up at this lake, with a dock, and we went "skinny dipping" well it's the closest i've ever been at least, we were in our underwear. So we jumped in, not too sure what was in the bottom of the water...and then we got in the car and turned up the heat and drive back in our underwear, haha. That is a crazy time I will always remember."

The moments of laughter, that delight the soul and bring joy from within...even if it's from silly time.

"Angela, Mike, and I were all hanging out and driving around. Angela had to go to the washroom, but we were pretty much out near west Creston in the middle of nowhere and I dared her to pee in the intersection there...haha. So she did, and ended up peeing a lil on herself, but we didn't care. For some weird reason we were just so hyper, and I was singing the micky mouse song, well trying, and I went "LMNOP" instead of "M-o-u-s-e". We laughed our asses off. Those were times where neither of us had to drink to have a good time on the weekend. Those are moments that I cherish."

With the good times comes the bad. Horrible ones even...

"It'd been the first time Kenny came to visit as my boyfriend the second time, if that makes any sense, and I was crying the whole way to the airport, on the C-train, in the taxi, at baggage check...right up till the security line you need to go through. We were running behind schedule and the line was long for some reason but they called all travellers to Abbotsford to the front of the line *so they wouldn't miss their flight* so we went up to the front and the security guard was trying to hurry everyone up...so I was forced to say good-bye to him without even letting it sink in...a quick kiss and he was gone. My heart was broken. I was left alone, unsure how to get to the C-train again because he'd forgotten to give me money to take a taxi to the station and I wasn't too sure of the bus route...so I broke down...still wearing his headphones AND winter jacket. I went into the washroom and sat down and just let it all out. I felt as if my whole life had walked out on me. I called up Misty and she couldn't understand my words through the sobs and stuffed nose. I