Lucy's Grandad had died recently so she went round to comfort her Gran

In conversation it came out that Grandad had died while making love to Gran.
Now Lucy was a bit horrified to discover that two people in their 90's were still at it.

Gran explained "We used to do it to the sound of the church bells on a sunday,nothing to strenuous,in on the sound of the ding and out on the sound of the dong"

Lucy asked " So what happened?? "

To which Gran replied " Fucking ice-cream van"

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "Please Miss, I have a question for YOU".

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p*ss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, ! "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''