For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed…..+1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…..0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1

* You leave the toilet seat up…..-5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty…..0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…..-1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom…. ; -2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
* In the snow …..+8
* But return with beer…..-5
* And no liners…..-25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night…..0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…..+5
* You pummel it with a six iron…..+10
* It’s her cat…..-40

AT THE PARTY

* You stay by her side the entire party…..0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy…..-2
* Named Tiffany…..-4
* Tiffany is a dancer…..-10
* With breast implants…..-18

HER BIRTHDAY

* You remember her birthday…..0
* You buy a card and flowers…..0
* You take her out to dinner…..0
* You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar…..+1
* Okay, it is a sports bar…..-2
* And it’s all-you-can-eat night…..-3
* It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is painted the colors of your favorite team ¦.-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

* Go with a pal…..0
* The pal is happily married…..+1
* The pal is single…..-7
* He drives a Ferrari…..-10
* With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)…..-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

* You take her to a movie…..+2
* You take her to a movie she likes…..+4
* You take her to a movie you hate…..+6
* You take her to a movie you like…..-2
* It’s called Death Cop III…..-3
* Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls…..-9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable pot belly…..-15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it…..+10
* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…..-30
* You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”…..-800

THE BIG QUESTION

* She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
* You hesitate in responding…..-10
* You reply, “Where?”…..-35
* You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass”…..-100
* Any other response…..-20

COMMUNICATION

* When she wants to talk about a problem:
* You listen, displaying a concerned expression…..0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes…..+5
* You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…..+50
* Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, “…well, what do you think I should do?”…..-100
* You have fallen asleep…..-200

IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

* You talk…..-100
* You don’t talk…..-150
* You spend time with her……-200
* You don’t spend time with her…..-500
* You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Radiation cause interesting mutations--not to your future children, but to you, right then and there.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations. it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Most dogs are immortal.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

Kitchens don't have light switches.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.