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Tyler Jewington H
- Ah divorce- from the latin word meaning to rip a man's genitals off through his wallet
- Me, Myself, and I
- This is what hapens when we don't all agree on marzipan as word of the month
i basically bum around( metaphorically and literally), watch DVD's (especially comedies),make jokes to/about my mates and generally have a splendidly average time. ask me for a joke if you want, in return for a signed photo of the pope i will say yes.
My msn is rabbiflavouredpringles@hotmai
Ask me for a joke- God knows i know like 200
word : aubergine ( use it)
read dammit. books are good- not all books but lots of them are. i like stephen fry's books. i also liked paul mertons books. i like other books to- you might, even if it is Dr seuss and for toddlers. what am i reading at the moment? i am reading p.g.wodehouse. or don't bother reading, just watch the film. i wanna be a film critic when i'm older- that or worlds richest man.
toblerones do seem a bit odd though. seems like something the swiss use to sodomise eachother in an amorous and delicate way.
- i love so much musci it gives me energy- i don't guidse my life by it but some songs just change me- i don't know how i lives without my ipod and in conclusion- anything pre 1980's and after the 1930's is ok with me- except the monster mash
i like many styles of music and wierdly old jazz ( especially cab calloway) if u don't know him i don't blame you
- the blues brothers , 1 flew over the cuckoos nest , snatch and the moomins movie!! your movie factoid about tyler: he has never seen a star wars movie. i do love films though- saw a film called If... the other day- it blew my mind
- "I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt" "Women should be obscene and not heard" "Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it" "There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes, " you know he is a crook" "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read" "Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms" "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception" "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped" "Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse" "A man's only as old as the woman he feels" GM ~~ "Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?" "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion" "I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens" s M
- Scared Of
- -axe wielding homicidalmaniac breaking into my room and hacking me to pieces
- Paul Gustafson
- The shit jokes on Penguin bars
- Hookers with man parts
- the pope ( see above for reason)
- ben elton ( scraed of/ hate with a passion)
- butterflies ( this one's real!!)
oh and beards
- more quotes
- "On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'. " "My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years. " "I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" Pm~~ "Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery" "My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic" "I can speak Esperanto like a native" "How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven". more SM~~
- more jokes
- - how do u get a fat girl to sleep with you, piece of cake- i think the best way to quit smoking is the same way my aunt did it, she used to douse herself in a gallon of petrol every morning.
- my girlfriend turned to me the other day and said " your a pervert" so i said " thats a big word for a girl of 6"
- 2 lions in a supermarket, 1 turns to the other and says, its quiet in here aint it"- 2 parrots on a perch, 1 turns to the other and says, " can u smell fish" - the other day isaw 6 men beating up an old lady , a man stopred me and said "arent u going to help" i said " no 6 is enough"-DEATH, .. BY M'BONGO- the other day my dog bit a lump out of my leg, a friend said, " did u put anything on it, i said no he liked it as it was- whats yellow and lives of dead beetles, yoko ono- for xmas heather mills got a new leg, it was nt her main present it was only a stocking filler- what was the last thing to go through dianas head befor she died, the windscreen-
- - Did you know a man in london get ran over every 10 minutes. he is getting really pissed off
- what is the difference between the french and toast.. you can make soldiers out of toast
- i used to feel like a man trapped in a womans body then mum gave birth
- 2 fish are in a tank one turns to the other and says " so can u drive one of these then"
-i went to the dentist the other day, he said say ahhh i said why he said my dogs died
-when i die i want to go peacfully in my sleep like my gramp, not screaming in terror like his passengers
-isnt it wierd when you are young you think your dad is superman then u grow up and realise he is just a man with a cape
-a new survey says that 1 in 4 people make up 25% of the population
-my dog keeps chasing people on a bike so i took his bike away
- i went to the docters and said " docter help my arm is broken in 3 places " so he said " well stay out of those places then"
- people often say to me " why are you in my house?"
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Yesterday Alex ,Jonny and I went into town to see stand up comedian jimmy carr on his " repeat offender" Tour. it was fantastic. the jokes and one liners came thick and fast, he used excellent wordplay, pushed the boundaries of taste yet again and did a "fucking funny" head-nod to one of his comic influences (steven wright) by doing a small section where he sat down and did a selection of very steven wright-esque jokes.
before we got into the theatre debenhams ( which is close by) was evactuated because of a fire in the shoe dept; Mr Carr capitalised on this by making a few jokes about it which is always nice because it giave the show a feeling of uniqueness. surprisingly there was no warm up act which al of us were expecting but with the show packed with so much humour mixed in with the most vile mental images ( " would you fuck your dad to save your mum's life" was among the most horrid/funniest) for over 2 hours.
when he re-writes the punchlines to a few classic jokes it is great because he is breathing life into some jokes that you probably used to think were shite ( E.G.whats yelow and dangerous? original answer: shark infested custard .Jimmy's answer: the discharge from my penis).
we were sat right at the back( really- the very very back) but it was still an ok posisiton and we got to the bar afterwards quickly enough to not have to queue too long for jimmy's autograph on the programmes( £5 is a bit steep for a programme though) and i have to say he was a very nice person and very friendly and if i was doing it i would be more pissed off because there were at least 500 of us waiting for an autograph.
in conclusion it was an all round good night and i reccomend you go and see him. tickets are on sale for his next show at oxford on the 2nd of may but if you can get tickets o this current one do as well- if not buy the dvd at christmas.
all in all it was great so i give jimmy carr ***** ( 5 stars)
0 Comments 275 weeks
Derek and Clive are the comic creations of one peter cook and dudley moore. they are essentially their "pete and dud" charachters but with an incredibly obscene and foul mouth.
they came about when, as legend has it, during their american tour "Good evening" they were both getting a bit wound up with the pressure of nightly shows infront of thousands of fans and needed a stress release and so peter cook booked a recording studio ( or got on set up in the hotel room) and both peter cook and dudley moore just sat and spoke into the recording equiptment with whatever came into their sick little heads and the result of that night is derek and clive live. both performers are heavily drunk and you can tell from these excerpts that cook is the funny one for he has the most to say and al the big laughs come from him ( you can in many parts hear dudley cracking up because of the things peter said) and in this one Peter is much more liberal with swearwords and uses them to entertain but to aslo shock. this was never meant for production and was just meant for a joke but after a few pirate copies started being sold without Cook and Moore's consent they decided to release a legitimate version.
it usually divides the comedy community as to whether it is genius or childish. some poeple think it far too offensive and uses words like "cunt", "fuck" and ( on occasion) "nigger" but others appreciate it for hearing two people let loose with whatever they wanted ( remember this was the late 70's- easier shocked audeinces).
They released two more records of the same nature ( "Come again" and " ad nauseam") but they didnt quite measure up to the first and in the latter which was the last to be recorded you get a sense of the hatred bubling under the surface of eachother( they were recorded long after the first derek adn clive and cook was jealous of dudley's fame and dudley moore was jealous of peter's talent) so some listening is uncomfortable- Moore leaves at one point only to come back again and be made to laugh to tears- but they are overall a success and infact my favourite bit of all the derek and clives comes from " come again" where peter reveals he owns a ball bearings business and it has gotten him a lot of fame but his wife wanted him to have more so he auditioned for celebrity suicide where contestants hang themselves for brilliant prizes but he was rejected ( not for being only one inch tal and 4 meters wide as cook thought) but becuase the producers though he was a "cunt". as the clip trails off he then says his wife after hearing about his rejection has gone on the tv show blow your tits off to which dudley moore bursts into hysterics.
in conclusion please find a way of listening to this, though not with the sound up, as even if you find it unfunny it is a part of comedy legend and you wil in my book be a beter person for having heard it." jump you fucker jump"
0 Comments 279 weeks
why is it that human hair is so dull yet human hair wigs are so expensive ( i know from experience) Wouldnt zebra hair wigs be much cooler i mean think about it.
you know when they made the first ever train station. what was the point of that, if they only had one then you would just go in a circular motion which wouldnt help anyone.
i used to be a parachute jumper and its really fun but lots of people said to me that the most dangerous part of parachuteing ( apart from crashing) is the last 9 feet which is why i allways took a stepladder
some people say he greatest invention ever is the wheel but i think the second wheel was because have you ever seen someone on a unicycle, they are all over the shop. imagine how hard it would be to ride a stone unicycle.
i was chatting the other day about if we should legalise cannabis (yes) and i got to thinking, what would you name the shope that sold it? i have narrowed it down to two choices.
if area 51 is supposed to be a big secret military base how come everyone knows about it, it kind of defeats the purpose. its even on google maps ffs
you know ice cream vans, what is with the music its so clangy and horrid i mean think baout it its allways greensleves or teddy bears picnic and it sounds like somone played the glockenspiel after it had been fed through a mangle. also do you reckon the ice cream men have those songs on a cd and play them when they are bored ?
the other day i phned up buckingham palace. i shall explain, i phoned them up becuase my dad gave me a text saying im in london and need help my phone is flat so phone this number ( said number) and ask for liz. well you phoned upo and it was buckingham palace and liz is queen fucking elizabeth, i thoguht dad had been done for high treason or something.
i was thinking of writing the script for a comedy drama show but then i stopped because i realised that a comedy drama is a corma whcih is a type of curry. im not writing a show named after a bloody curry.
0 Comments 326 weeks