It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.
Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is
gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he
taketh away.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted,
"HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,
"Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the
irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred
mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks
you in the face.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three
died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people
anyway.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked