FRONT ROW: Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking."

LOCKS: Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group's maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking"- they are usually just dumb.

BACK ROW: These are fine, fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.

SCRUM HALF: Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. While the toughest back almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable - kind of like the hottest fat chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The No. 9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.

FLY HALF: His primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honor at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell are ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually light on his feet. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.

CENTERS: Usually come in two varieties: hard chargers or flitting fairies. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities.

BACK THREE: While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all bleeping bleeps if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT
> >
> >
> >MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
> >IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
> >
> >NAME _________________________
> >
> >NICK-NAME ____________________
> >
> >GANG NAME ____________________
> >
> >1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 Euro and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram,what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
> >
> >2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?
> >
> >3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
> >
> >4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got €350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends €33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?

> >Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
> >
> >5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
> >
> >6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother’s gun. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?
> >
> >SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT
> >
> >


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
> >IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
>
>NAME_____________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________(if
longer, please continue on a separate sheet)
> >
> >SCHOOL____________________
> >
> >DADDY'S COMPANY___________
> >
> >1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and
killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?
> >
> >2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a
month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even
notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
> >
> >3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?
> >
> >4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8
Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?
> >
> >5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?
> >
> >


COUNTRY LEAVING CERT
> >
> >MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
> >OUTSIDE DUBLIN
> >
> >Name: Paddy/Mary _________________________
> >
> >1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through PaddyJohn’s turnip
crop at 10miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John’s tractor?
> >
> >2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout in O'Brien’s at the crossroads?
> >
> >3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?
> >
> >4. If it takes

1 Aslan
2 Heroin (See 1)
3 Stealin'
4 Joy-ridin'
5 Saying 'Yaknowwhorrameyan?"
6 Shamrock Rovers
7 Social welfare
8 Keyin' Cars
9 Pop Idol
10 Wearing belly tops over their pale, flabby stomachs
11 Calling people 'Bud' who are not their bud
12 Compo
13 Calling people 'Pal' who are not their pal
14 Shortening words and adding the letter 'o' (Anto, Decco,
Corpo)
15 Calling people 'Boss' who are not their boss
16 John Player Blue
17 Burberry
18 Burglary
19 Fair City
20 Celtic shirts
21 'Taches
22 Fireworks every night for the entire month preceeding
Halloween
23 Sky Digital
24 Saying "I didn't bleedin' do tha'!"
25 Travelling in packs
26 Moochin'
27 Swearing at their babies
28 Getting their mot's preggers
29 Champion Sports
30 Christmas Lights you could see from space
31 Skippin' school
32 Skippin' bail
33 Giving their kids Monster Munch and Maltesers for
breakfast
on the bus
34 Standing in queues outside the dole office
35 Funtasia
36 Iceland - the food chain, not the country
37 Man U
38 Saying, "That's not my bleedin' job!"
39 Pushing prams while smoking
40 Earrings (for guys)
41 Earrings a chimpanzee could swing off (for girls)
42 Saying "He didn't do nothin'!" when he clearly did do
something
43 Baseball caps
44 Sawn-off Shotguns
45 Adrian Kennedy Phone Show
46 Picking up unfinished cigarettes dropped on the street by
someone else just after coming out of a medical centre (as God is my
witness)
47 Shop-liftin'
48 Tamangos
49 Not payin' the bus fare
50 Curry Chips and a burger
51 Leaving their kids play outside on a busy road while they
get
hammered on a Sunday afternoon
52 Always following the word 'rich' with the word 'wanker'
53 Pulling their hoodies over their heads as they're led away
from the Four Courts
54 Eschewing peaceful solutions to conflict when Violent
Senseless Mayhem will suffice
55 Pissing in Elevators
56 Being an authority on everything
57 Knee-cappings
58 Racism
59 Smiley Bolger
60 Getting their hair cut so tight they look like a
matchstick
with ears from the back
61 Not readin' bukes

And...
62 Complaining about culchies