Seeing as it's been nearly a year since I posted something here, I thought I'd have another go. This concerns teenagers. And it's actually the first time I agree with a My Chemical Romance lyric. Teenagers do, in fact, scare the shit out of me.

The complaint I have regards peoples' MSN screen names. Putting stuff like "R.I.P Steve Irwin" or "Plz help find little Maddie!" or "Greg Ur Da Best Guy EVA!!!111" doesn't make you more sensitive or clever. If I want people to find out personal stuff about me, I tell them on a need-to-know basis. I don't broadcast it through a Bebo page, or an MSN screen name like it's the fucking CNN News Ticker I have on my web browser.

(Now for the benefit of those in Lincolnshire, CNN is a news network)

I don't really care that it's been 8 months since you started dating someone, or that the recent Paramore gig was the best thing since the fall of the Berlin Wall. I just have 'Milsap' followed by something stupid or offensive and leave it at that. I also don't feel the need to post a display picture of me kissing the person I'm with. If you want people to notice you, take some hostages in the Iranian Embassy... But that's already been done, although I hope you see my point.

Yes, I know there's a freedom to do what you want with what you say. The Americans call it the First Amendment, whereas everyone else just calls it the Right To Free Speech, it's like the F-Word, I was always told it was a bad word, but in East Anglia, it's not a bad word, or a word at all for that matter. It's just used as a form of verbal punctuation. Take this sentence for example:

"WHO DRANK ALL THE BEER, FUCK?" Of course, the F-Word is being used as a question mark. To that, you may hear this answer:

"YOU DRANK IT ALL LAST NIGHT, FUCK!" Now there, the F-Word is being used as an exclamation mark.

Present tense= Fuck. Now if you're from Holbeach or the surrounding area, that's a complete sentence... Repeated over... and over.... and over... and over again...

That doesn't make you cool, it doesn't make you 'hard' it just makes you look like a total DICK.

It's just as stupid as some of the Hotmail addresses some of the people I have on MSN use/have used in the past. Me, I just kept it a simple aidanmillward@hotmail.com, but oh no, people have to go across that line in the sand. In fact, they're so over the line, they're not even IN the sand. They're in some tropical tundra region or perhaps in Northwest Canada, with the line being somewhere in the middle of Corby. Such examples include:

eminemisthebiggestledgend@hotmail.
 com
blazinsquad4eva@hotmail.co.uk
leah_4_bille_joe@hotmail.com
rhi4kyle@hotmail.com
sexi-lil-shaz@hotmail.co.uk
ash_da_gangsta@hotmail.com

No one uses these addresses anymore, and it's plain to see why.

But then again, it doesn't seem to stop at the actual address. There are screen names themselves that are just as effective as a bottle of ipecac. Why do people have to put "[Insert name] ere!" in their screen names? I know who I'm talking to, do you think I'm fucking stupid? Or are you trying to make yourself sound like a rapper? Hmm... I'm more inclined to go with the latter...

I don't care who you're in love with, you have a window of your own when chatting to that special someone to tell them how much you love them, other people don't need to know about it!

[Rant about teenagers ends here]

Now, part two, time to put my Jeremy Clarkson hat on:

Yes, you guessed when I said 'Clarkson' that this was going to involve cars in some way. I have a license, and have done for some time, which means I can now go wherever the hell I want without having to get on a bus. Do you know what sorts of people get buses? If you answered 'yes' to that question, my answer to YOU is 'exactly'.

Having a driving license is a great feeling, but having EVERYONE asking you for lifts everywhere is not. People who never really spoke to me or didn't like me now suddenly want to be my fr

I'm a Christian, so I MUST force my beliefs on people
I'm a Muslim, so I MUST be a terrorist
I'm an American, so I MUST be fat
I'm a musician, so I MUST be against the government
I'm from Birmingham, so I MUST talk funny
I'm a student, so I MUST drink all day, every day
My family's Polish, so they MUST have nicked your dad's job
I'm Irish, so I MUST by small
I'm well spoken, so I MUST be gay
I've got long hair, so I MUST listen to metal
I dress in black, so I MUST be a goth
I listen to punk, so I MUST be a skater
I drive a Ford Fiesta, so I MUST be a chav
I drive a Renault Clio, so I MUST like the French
I'm from Newcastle, so I obviously don't own a coat
I'm from London, so I MUST have a gun
I'm black, so I MUST be a basketball player
I have Swedish roots, so we HAVE to shop at Ikea
I have German roots, so I MUST shop at Aldi
I have a side parting, so Hitler MUST be my hero
I passed all my GCSEs, I MUST be a smart arse

1. Tick the box A, B, or C, to receive the grade A, B, or C...

2. It is said that children spend too much time with their Playstations. Answer X, Circle, Triangle or Square.

3. War is wrong. But instead of you discussing it as a class let’s hear from Michael Moore seeing as he knows so fucking much

4. Iceman has 15 quid in his pocket, he needs a fiver for credit, 3 for condoms for banging his 11 year old girlfriend and another 8 for a new taillight cover for his Vauxhall Nova. What is Iceman’s real name? Use information from the Witness statements provided to explain your answer.

5. Where is the local crack dealer located? You may use Google Earth to help you.

6. Lincolnshire is a shit hole. No need to explain your answer. It’s a fact. Please move on to question two.

7. Which Religion did Jesus advertise? Was is A) Christianity, B) Fernando Alonso, or C) The Umbrella Corporation?

8. In Milton Keynes it is 1635. If that’s the year, what is the time?

9. Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs. Discuss

10. In this experiment you are going to find out how many Fruit Pastilles it takes to choke a swan to death.