Duke: What you lookin' at old man?
Walt Kowalski: Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: Jesus, Joseph and Mary. These Hmong broads are like badgers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: [sneering and aiming his gun] Get off my lawn!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thao Vang Lor: Excuse me Sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy you old Italian son of a bitch prick barber. Boy, does my ass hurt from all of the guys at my construction job.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: [to Su] Get me another beer, Dragon Lady! This one's running on empty.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: Relax, Zipperhead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barber Martin: There. You finally look like a human being again. You shouldn't wait so long between hair cuts, you cheap son of a bitch.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah. I'm surprised you're still around. I was always hoping you'd die off and they got someone in here that knew what the hell they were doing. Instead, you're just hanging around like the duop dego you are.
Barber Martin: That'll be ten bucks, Walt.
Walt Kowalski: Ten bucks? Jesus Christ, Marty. What are you, half Jew or somethin'? You keep raising the damn prices all the time.
Barber Martin: It's been ten bucks for the last five years, you hard-nosed Polak son of a bitch.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, well keep the change.
Barber Martin: See you in three weeks, prick.
Walt Kowalski: Not if I see you first, dipshit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Youa: You're funny.
Walt Kowalski: I've been called a lot of things, but never funny.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: I once fixed a door that wasn't even broken yet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thao Vang Lor: What was it like to kill someone?
Walt Kowalski: You don't want to know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: [about Korea] We shot men, stabbed them with bayonets, chopped up 17 year olds with shovels.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Janovich: Why didn't you call the police?
Walt Kowalski: Well you know, I prayed for them to come but nobody answered.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: How many swamp rats can you get in one room?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thug: How old are you anyway?
Sue Lor: Mentally, I'm way too old for you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mitch Kowalski: What would I want?
Walt Kowalski: I don't know... Your wife's already gone through all of your mother's jewelry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walt Kowalski: I used to stack fucks likes you, five feet high in Korea, use ya for sand bags.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barber Mar

40 Reasons Chuck Norris is better than you

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his v1rginity before his dad did.

7. People drink beer to get drunk. Chuck Norris uses beer as aftershave.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

18. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s Chuck Norris!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s sh1 t.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

32. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

33. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

34. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

35. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

36. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

37. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

38. Chuck Norris is the

TRUE

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.


2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.


3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.


4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.


5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.


6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.


7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.


You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.


10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.


11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.


12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.


13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.


14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.


15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.


16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.


17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.


1 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.


19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.


20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half
way through and then raced against the flush.


21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.


22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.


23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.


24) You never ever run out of salt.


25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.


26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.


27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.


2 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.


29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
had their arm broken by a swan.


30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.


31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.


32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
of wood specifically to stir paint with.


33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.


34) Bricks are horrible to carry.


35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.


36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad