I'm as sick as a small hospital.

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child.

She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se.

Your' re as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit.

My mouth's as dry as a nuns cr@ck.

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup.

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician.

As funny as a burning orphanage.

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs.

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes.

I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover).

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress.

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn.

As busy as the dalkey dole office.

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit.

As tight as a nun's knickers.

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn.

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the
van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

Up and down like a hoor's knickers.

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house.

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt.

I left her with a face like a painters radio.

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard.

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche.

As fit as a butcher's dog.

She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Not even the tide would take her out.

Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her.

Daz wouldn't shift her.

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her.

A sniper wouldn't take her out.

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle.

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one.

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a
nettle.

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede.

She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab.

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall.

Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of
her fanny

THE SAD LIFE OF A PENIS

Ive only got one eye

My hair is a mess

my relatives are nuts

my neighbours an arsehole

my best friend is a pussy

and my owner is a wanker!!!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 8 euro to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image
I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert
the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a McChicken Burger,
just a Chicken burger gets blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw
and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking Mcfag.

14. When you're involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off