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SCRUBS QUOTES!283 weeks ago
Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I-I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

[to an annoying patient]
Dr. Cox: Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartels & James and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now

[to JD]
Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that.

Dr. Cox: [in response to something J.D. just said] Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out.

J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
J.D.: Yes!
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
Janitor: Dammit.

Carla: Elliot, you know how they say no-one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself?
Elliot: My mother used to say, "No-one will ever love you."

J.D.: Oh, Dr. Cox, I know I'm being annoying. But I-I'm really getting used to talking to patients. I mean, this is why I became a doctor; right? Right?
Dr. Cox: I heard "I know I'm being annoying," and then...white noise.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie... It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.

JD: Dr.Cox..
Dr.Cox:Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'.
JD: See Ya!

JD : What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex

JD : Anyway, this is the end of a major chapter in our lives and you know what? I am going to take you out tonight, yes sir, we are going to get some dinner, we'll get a nice bottle of wine
Turk : It sounds like you are asking me out on a man-date
JD : Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?

JD: So basically Mr. Davis, you received a blunt trauma to the fibrous tissue of the corpus cavernosum
Mr. Davis: Great, and that means?
JD: You broke your penis
Mr. Davis: Wow, I can't wait to get my cast signed

JD: I think it?s healthy, hanging out with a girl without the ultimate goal being sex. You know?
Turk: I?m not following you.

Cox: I want you to spread the word, missy -- I've. Had. Enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel!

Turk: Does your mother invite the priest over for breakfast every day?
Carla: Only when she finds me in bed with some guy. So, yeah, most days.

Jordan: Yawn! You see, I say "yawn" because when I actually yawn, you don't get it.

Elliot: Dr. Cox! Got the CAT screen and I pulled all the x-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night, do whatever you want with me? oh, my God, that totally came out wrong, I just meant that I want you to use me and I don?t care how degrading it is! No, no, no? it?s just that I know you like torturing people and I am totally up for that? uuuh, I just want to make you happy.

Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology- obviously I was unclear when I said, ?Stay in the MRI room with that patient.? It must?ve sounded like, ?Leave, and do other things.?

Mr. Dorian: God I?d like to take a run at her, would you look at that rack?
J.D.: Dad, please!
Mr. Dorian: I?m sorry, Johnny, I?m just a man. And you know what they say about men?
Turk: They loooove the boobies.
Mr. Dorian: That is correct, Christopher.

Cox: Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don?t know? your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night junior year when you were feelin? a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well he dropped by, and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a 4-pack of Bartles & James, and BA-DOW!, it was gone forever? just like my patience is now.
Jill: So you do scary little speeches? how adorable!

Turk: So who'd you side with, Elliot or Alex?
J.D.: Neither. I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
Turk: Smooth.

Cox: Well gosh, I guess I became a doctor because, ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't... tell this story very often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest. And so, I picked him up, and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox, and -- [starts laughing] oh my God! I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks.

Kelso: When I first met her, she wanted to be a psychiatrist, but, uh... we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman -- no offense, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I "choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, now she's just a shell of a woman." [laughs] I think that's so cute; I call her "Shelly"! [laughs more] You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries a little.

Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Turk: What!?
Cox: Do you understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle?
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.

Elliot: Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me! I've been trying to figure out how to tell you the only reason you're vomiting and exhausted is... well... you're pregnant!
Jill: I'm what now?
Elliot: Yeah, pregnant! Your fianc� is gonna be so happy!
Jill: My fianc� and I decided not to have sex until we were married.
Elliot: So he's not gonna be so happy.
Jill: More curious, really, than happy?

Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: Are you dying?

Cox: Relationships don?t work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they, won?t they, and then they finally do and they?re happy forever, gimme a break. 9 out of 10 of ?em end because they weren?t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced anyway, and I?m tellin? you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven?t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, y?know, in some cultures a chicken? you can call me a sucker, I don?t care. ?Cause I do. Believe in it. Bottom line, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is, they don?t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it?s right and they?re real lucky. One of ?em will say something.

J.D.(Smartly) : My question is concerning metabollic diseases...oh yes.

Dr. Cox:L isten, Barbie, I don't want to hear another thing about your dolphin sex.
Elliot:D olphin trainer sex. I'm having sex with a dolphin trainer!
Dr. Cox:And here the dolphin thing made you so interesting...

Jordan:The only reason I'm inviting you is beacuse somehow you have your own Spongebob Squarepants costume!
J.D:It was a gift.(To himself)From me to me!
 posted by Cormac O'Neill 

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