Stevietrad <stevietrad23>

"A bean is a bean but a pea is relief"

Chuck Norris9/25/07
 

1)Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2)Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3)Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
3)While riding the elevator, Chuck Norris never pushes the button, the elevator better just know what floor Chuck Norris needs to be on.
4)Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
5)When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6)If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
7)The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
8) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
9)Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
10)When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
11)Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
12)Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
13)Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
14)As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
15)If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
16)A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
17)If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
18) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
19)Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
20)Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
21)Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
22)When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
23)Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
24)Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
25)Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
26)Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
27)At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
28) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
29)A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
30)Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
31)According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
32)Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
33)Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
34)The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
35)Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
36)Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
37)Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.
38) Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
39)Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
40)Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
41)Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
42)The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
43)Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
44)Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
45)Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
46)Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
47)Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
48) Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
49)Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
50)A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
51)Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
52)Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
53)Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
54)Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
55)Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.
56)It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
57)Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
58) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
59)A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.
60)Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets becuase they know better.
61)If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
62)Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
63)After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
64)One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
65)Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
66)Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
67)Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
68) Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
69)Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
70)There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
71)Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.
72)Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
73)Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.
74)Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.
75)On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
76)Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, ?Trix are for Chuck Norris.?
77)Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
78) Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.
79)If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.
80)Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
81)Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
82)Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
83)Helen Keller is an example of someone Chuck Norris let off easy.
84)After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.
85)When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
86)The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
87)Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
88) Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
89)President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.
chuck norris is a ledgend.

 0 Comments 
o.k now tell me 8/27/07
 
1.Who are you?

2.Are we friends?

3.When and how did we meet?

4.Do you have a crush on me?

5.Have you ever wanted to punch me?

6.Give me a nickname and explain why

6.Describe me in 1 word

7.What was your 1st impression of me?

8.Do you still think the same?

9.What reminds you of me?

10.If you could give me anything what would it be?

11.How well do you know me?

12.When's the last time you saw me?

13.Ever wanted to tell me someting but felt you couldn't?

14.Are you goin to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?!
 1 Comment 
Playlist For This Month6/19/07
 
01)Don't Look in Anger - Oasis
02)Superman - Lazlo Bane
03)America - Razorlight
04)Redemption Song - Bob Marley
05)In the Morning - The Coral
06)Fogtown - Mic Christopher, Glenn Hansard (my flashbox)
07)Hey Joe - Jimmi Hendrix
08) Little by Little - Oasis
09)Fake - The Frames
10)River - Gr�da
11)Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
12)God's Gonna Cut you Down - Johnny Cash
13)Elephant - Damien Rice
14)�n Taobh Tuathail Amach - Kila
14)I've got your Back - MIC CHRISTOPHER
15)McBrides - Moving Hearts
16)Just so Far Away - Slide
17)Mr.Bojangles - Colm Burne
18) Why Don't You get A Job - Offspring
19)MoonDance - Van Morrison
20)The Eighteenth Of June - Gr�da
 0 Comments 
My Playlist for this week 7/3/06
 
1)Wide eyed Lying - Mic Christopher
2)Summer Jam - Underground Project
3)Hit em' Up - 2Pac
4)Cannonball - Damien Rice
5)No Tommorow - Orson
6)Only God Can Judge Me - 2Pac
7)In Da Club - 50Cent
8) Who we be - DMX
9)Star Star** - The Frames
10)I predict a riot - Kaizer Chiefs
11)Somebody told me - The Killers
12)Can't stand me now - The Libertines
13)Hayday - Mic Christopher
14)California - Phantom Planet
15)Golden Touch - Razorlight
 3 Comments 
Jerry McCarthy 5/10/06
 
The Garda goes to me

Garda:Name
Jery:so i sayz Jerry McCarthy
Garda:wat
Jerry:I sayz I'm Jerry McCarthy
Garda:You're not Jerry McCarthy
Jerry:I said FUCK IT i am sayz i
Garda:You're not Jerry McCarthy cause I know Jerry McCarthy and you're Jerry
Jerry:Well then ya must know the other 11 Jerry McCarthy's that live inside me area code.Me father me grandfather and me great granfather were all Jerry McCarthy
Garda:you're not
Jerry:i said i am
Garda:you're not
Jerry:i said i am
Garda:You're not
Jerry:i said i am
Garda:You're not
Jerry:I said i am
Jerry:I said Fuck it i am sayz i so i went home and i had a look at meself in the mirror and i sayz to meself I'm Jerry McCarthy and it was at that moment that i got very confused
YA KNOW
 4 Comments