Lucie Murray <all_at_sea>
|right so fuck everything. |
pretty much the angriest i've been for a long long time.
i'm fed up of shitty london, surrounded by complete assholes. i want my friends.
i'm pretty sure i'm just set into a self destruct mode where i just plan to fuck up everything i've built in my education/career and i just want to tell everyone to fuck off pretty much.
obviously, my friends can ignore this, but i swear to god if anyone fucks me over in the near future, it'll pretty much be the end of everything.
i genuinely feel that everything just seems to be falling apart around me. and its all because of this shithole.
i was walking to the tube station this morning and i thought, if they asked me to give a presentation about placement in london/another place thats not aberdeen, what would i say?
and it really stumped me. then i thought i'd say something like this,
"if you're gonna do, do it. don't go into half hearted because you won't get anything out of it. it really will be better for your career if you want to succeed, but here comes the sacrifice.
you have to be prepared to spend the year being lonely, and sometime very depressed. depressed enough to think that having a glass of wine everyday after dinner is acceptable. if you want to be a big shot with a cooshtie job with a big fat pay role number, then be prepared to be lonely. but hey being alones not that bad when you've got an aston martin, and a fancy office chair, going away to america all the time on business, and wondering what time zone you're in constantly."
this city really fucks you up. y'know i've seen someone jump infront of a tube train. there is no way i'll ever get over that. and then people tell you stories about people pushing other members of the public on the tracks on purpose. that makes you scared as shit. people say "these people are on day release, they've got nothing to lose"
last week, we had a total mentalist on the loose, running round london - he had escaped from a mental institute and was fucking knifing people all round london.
then sometimes the worst thoughts come. the ones that you regret thinking but everyone does. and i know they do.
like "what if a bomb went off this morning and i was on the tube? would i help others?" no the sad fact would be that i would probably just save myself.
and then sometimes you look at people and think "why is their bag so big? and why is he looking around like that? something shadys going on"
99.9% OF THE TIME FUCK ALL IS GOING ONE.
i dunno. i really don't know anymore.
like i said, fuck everything. i know i'm going to be alone, in the future when i'm older, and probably very soon as i turn into a soulless lech who main aim in life is to make as much money as possible, and to fuck everyone over. and everyone who knows me, who isn't motivated by money will tell me to fuck off.
but at least i'll have money.
and i once i've made millions, i'll get a chair on dragons den.
|christ, this is a bit soppy||11/10/08|
|i've just realised something. |
that for a girl who didn't do amazingly in her standard grade, or highers, or actually gave a fuck about school, i've done pretty well for myself.
still i don't achieve mega awesome grades at uni, but i fucking work hard in my jobs.
where i'm working right now obviously think i'm good enough.
everyone who slagged me off for going to RGU; just LOL in general. That actually really hurt at the time to hear people around me, saying that I wasn't going to get far in life.
At the end of the day, its not the university, its the kind of person you are.
I pushed myself to take this job, even though it means living 500 miles away from my family and friends, and y'know what I fucking hate living here.
Its absolute bull shit. But the experience that I'm getting from this, living away from home, getting to know people, being absolutely fucking skint and living in london, etc etc. oh and living with 3 people that i don't get on with.
its an experience that i'll never forget. and i thank everything that got me this far, but its down to my family, and my friends.
i've never really said thanks to those people.
mum - thanks for paying over �400 to get me to london in the first place for my interview. and for paying my deposit on my flat. i promise i'll repay you with something AWESOME
dad - thanks for bailing me out when i get skint pretty much every month.
soph - you don't really say much, but i know you're proud of me and i'm proud of you.
ewan - thanks for letting me use your mac for the ichat interview, even though it didn't work and generally being awesome and keeping in contact when i'm down here. i get pretty lonely and you help tonnes.
humble - you make me laugh every fucking day. your daily email banter with ewan keeps me entertained and happy, and you always know what to say.
heather - i always feel like you're giving me hugs even though your all the way in aberdeen ha dunno why. thanks and thanks for the support your giving me with lukeiss being halfway round the world
sarah - i feel like i can talk to you about anything and that really helps you can always talk to me too and thats what i like about me and you. most of the time we just talk shite though hah
nathan - really thank you for supporting me with the job and going for it, and also for good hugs. i really need them now the boys gone.
luke - you're one of the first people that knew about the job, and you encouraged me from the start. you've always supported every single thing that i've thought about and i really appreciate it. i love you lots.
i love everyone lots.