Colm Browne <EarthwormJim1>
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Signs that you are too drunk would be...
� You lose an argument with a lamp post .
� You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
� Job interfering with your drinking.
� Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
� The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
� Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
� 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? I think not!
� Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
� You can focus better with one eye closed.
� The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
� Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
� Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
� At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
� Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
� You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
|i robbed this from some guy! it was too good 2 resist!||11/23/06|
|Carlow = Mad for sugar beet, can't get enough of it.|
Hobbies: Growing sugar beet.
Cavan = filthy, ignorant hillbillies, tight. Hobbies:
discovering IRA ammo dumps and knitting black balaclavas.
Clare = fiddle-playing charming people and, more recently,
fine footballers. Hobbies: Falling into pot-holes and being
never heard from ever again, setting up golf courses in
their back lawns.
Cork = the loveable rogues of Ireland. Here for everyone
else's entertainment. Hobbies: Milking cows, being
European capital of culture but not knowing what exactly
that means or how they got it boy?
Donegal = away in their own world up there, not much known
about this eccentric type. Hobbies: Stripping the Irish
coast of fishies, running back up to their corner of the
island and blaming the spanish....aye twas the spanish!!
Dublin North = criminals, drug dealers and factory
workers, dirty women, skinheads and all-round examples
human waste. Hobbies: Heroin and watching serial numbers
being filed off stolen BMW's, joy-riding anything from a
lexus to a washing machine.
Dublin South = west Brits, snobs, rich, easy glamorous
women. Hobbies: talking shite and sleeping with their best
friend's spouse or mother.
Galway = sophisticated culchies, sexually adventurous,
cultured and wealthy. Hobbies: Teaching sex acrobatics to
foreign tourists, dropping acid, juggling with fire on the
streets, paying a million pounds for a three bedroom
suburban house and pretending it was a bargain.
Kerry = God's kingdom on earth, no doubt about it. Some
of the best land in Ireland but they don't tell anyone
this. Hobbies: Football, swimming with dolphins, football,
seeing how many foreigners they can score each year,
football, hosting a massive festival every week, football,
going to the south pole and football.
Kildare = is anyone really from Kildare or are they
just from Dublin? Hobbies: Denying they have anything to do
with Dublin. Spending best part of 4 hours each day
travelling to and from Dublin. Using Daz for whiter than
white jerseys on a summer's day.
Kilkenny = red haired alcoholics who refuse to believe not
all land in Ireland is capable of growing barley and wheat
"not a bother". Hobbies = driving massive combines,
hosting comedy festivals and having red-haired babies.
Laois = harmless aul bunch of lads, hope to have the whole
county by-passed at some stage by 2025 so they can get on
with their own business. Hobbies: Living an honest life,
collecting EU development grants, getting the piss taken out
of them for being the queen's county...haha ye plantation
Leitrim = enigmatic reclusive weirdos. Hobbies: learning
about traffic lights and roundabouts in school (night school
for adults that is)
Limerick = grand place, great sports people, city has
reputation through no fault of its own. Hobbies: stabbing
people, gang-land murders, drug hauls, graffiti spraying,
Longford = Gombeen men. Hobbies: Legalising bestiality.
Louth = IRA supporters, smugglers and bandits. Hobbies:
Tearing through Cooley at 125MPH trying to stop the boxes of
cheap vodka from falling out the window.
Mayo = Depressing, defeatist, negative, misery-laden
losers, emigrate as soon as the umbilical cord is cut.
Hobbies: roaring about how great they are, whinging about
why nobody likes them.
Meath = either Dublin wannabes or mad country bucks.
Hobbies: Beating Dublin at GAA and hoping that one day
somebody in Dublin will actually notice, driving massive
john deere's cos they're big, green and yellow too.
Offaly = Bog. Hobbies = exploiting bogs and later making
them into tourist attractions...hats off!
Roscommon = flat county, a silage pit is a mountain.
Sligo = either in their 20s and a surfer or in their 80s
and a granny, no in-betweens. Hobbies: Surfing and knitting
wet-suits for their grand children.
Tipperary = promiscuous girls, Tipp does not have two
different Ridings for nothing! Hobbies: Getting a flat in
Dublin and losing their accents and hoping their parents
don't find out.
Waterford = decent honest hard-workers generally good
folks. Hobbies: Calling a strike.
Westmeath = like most midlanders, generally boring.
Hobbies, much like some people up north, winning one
football title and then believing they know it all about
Wexford = Brown earth you'd wanna take home in your
pockets. Hobbies = selling their "home-grown" organic
fruit (bought at supermarket that morning) at the side of
the road in summer and ripping-off gullible Dubliners out
for a drive in the country. Also beating Kilkenny in hurling
and going on the
piss for the rest of the summer (with the
Wicklow = either country snobs with range rovers or poor
aul sheep farmers with peak caps and a small black and white
sheep dog with dirt all over him. Hobbies: setting up
illegal dumps in their back lawns and denying all knowledge
of that 300,000 tons of asbestos, nappies and syringes.
Never saw it til now your honour.
Monaghan is missing, but did anyone really notice?
|Things to do in a Bathroom Stall||6/17/06|
|Things to do in a Bathroom Stall|
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour," May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say in disgust "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the Stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please eh?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, consciously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
|If u r unhappy!||4/11/06|
|Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow that decided not to fly south for the winter. However soon it got so cold he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice formed on his wings (as it does!) and he fell to the ground in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on him! The sparrow thought he was dead but the shit warmed him up and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy to be alive, the sparrow started to sing. Just then a cat came by and hearing the sparrow chirping, he promptly ate him!|
AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend
3. And, if you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, then keep your fucking mouth shut!!!