"America: putting the oops into troops."
|The International Council of Man Laws.|
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman.
28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws
|my bebo family||10/26/08|
|My mum - |
My dad - Cian
My Sxc girl -
My Sxc boy! -
My 1st future wife -Myles
My 2nd future wife -Myles again
MY SXC friend -
My big sister -
My big brother -
My twin -
My little sister - Warren
My little brother -
My uncle -
My sweetheart -Beenz
My smilie -
My daughter -
My son -
My brother-in-law -
My sister-in-law -
My best friend -
My black best friend - the whiter than white richard
My skizo friend - Theo also
My darling -
My guardian - Ummamah!
My slave - Ian
My shoppoholic friend -
My cat -
My siamese twin -
My valentine -Steven
My chatterbox -
My hot admirer -Robert
My older hot admirer -
My sxc admirrer -Damien
My stalker - peter
My first love -Myles
My cat -
My fuck buddy -
My psychiatrist- peter
My Crazy Buddy -
My Sexy Maid -Sarah C
My Next Door Neighbour -
My "Inspiration" -
My God - have one
My Stalker -
My Fairy Godmother - martin
My Mad Friend - Ian ( put that knife down we can talk this thru)
My little witch -
My System of a Down Fanatic-
My sugar plum fairy -
My underlings- women!!!!!(im cruisin' for a bruisen)
My ruler/dominent race of the world- Theo(best way i cud include dominent race)
My bella cullen - Kate Robson (there had to be a my in front of it)
|most of dem r really funny.|
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
He who laughs last didn't get it.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757(some missile thing)
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Well.... you could do that- yeah, you could do that, of course you could! But why? Look at these people, these human beings; consider their potential! From the day they arrive on the planet, blinking, step into the sun, there is more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than- no, hold on. Sorry, that's The Lion King. But, the point still stands: Leave them alone!
The Americans believe that the penguin is proof that nature wants us to live moral lives. The penguins live moral lives, they pair up for life, nurture their young and the born again Christians told us that March of the Penguins showed us that God wanted us to be good.... Now, I started studying Mallards.... The Mallard is the only animal to reproduce exclusively through gang rape.
All those rich, stuck-up people out there that say they're going to 'travel the world', fine go ahead but where you going to go next year smartass?
SON OF A... GUN!!!!!-Paul Logan(vb)
Now remember, Aileen is a gymnast,I am a stupid soccer player, so hers are going to be a lot better than mine-Paul(vb)
Conor's Amazingly Stupid Quotes.
Sure Did You Not See It On The News,
"Catherine De Nef Get's Vag Sewn Up".
Well Now You Should Have Got Your Mammy To
Put Lip Balm On You.
If Rangy Took Off Her Top I Wouldn't Blink.
As A Lifeguard I'm Thoroughly Apposed
To This Kind Of Behaviour.
These Doghnuts Taste Like The Softer
Side's Of Clouds.
Oh Here's Man Purse Boy.
This Beach Is Full Of Tourists.
There's Your Replacments.
Damp In Areas.
This Pool Is A Fucking Death Trap.
These Doghnuts Taste Like Angels.
That Little Lad Over There Is Like A Retard.
A Vag To The Nose.
If Were All Sad And Depressed We'll Gather
Strength From The Good Book.
Honey If Your Going To Be Two Faced At Least
Make One Of Them Pretty.
First You Spit On My Leg Then You
Spit On My Heart.
Fluid On The Lung.
But then i went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like i love u.
I'm not crying, i just hav something in my eye!-Karen
When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother: "What will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:
"You're a boy, you daft cunt. Now get out of your sister's clothes and fuck off to school!"
|this is good||8/25/06|
|IT'S FUNNY |
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not refered to as daddy, junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T"
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12) The Virgin mary is not called "Mary with a Cherry"
13) The recommened grace before meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St Taffy's.
GOD BLESS YOU FOR SENDING