Anthony Carroll <I_The_Hitman_I>

"I command nought but my mind, body and will. It is by those, and those alone, that I stand or fall."

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I am the Tank1/24/09
 
I am the Tank.

When you see me, I will, most likely, not be attired formally. I will be encased in my steel. It will be dirty, bloody, and battered. I do not have a quick tongue or eloquent speech. I know nothing of the manners of the King's court, or the etiquette of the formal ball.

I am known by many names. Tank. Meatshield. Fighter. Brawler. Corpse.

I am the Tank.

I have not the capability, nor the inclination, to hide. I cannot strike from stealth with devastating blows, then fade into the darkness. I cannot incinerate a foe from twenty paces away. I cannot deal death from a distance, safe from the return attacks of my enemy. In order to kill, I must close with the enemy. I see his eyes. I smell his breath. I taste his fear. And he tastes mine.

I cannot bend Nature to do my bidding. I cannot tap into the Nether and force it to do what I command. I cannot study the arcane and master it to my control. I command nought but my mind, my body, and my will. It is by those, and those alone, that I stand or fall.

I have no friends on my journey. No walkers of the void, summoned from the Nether as servants and bodyguards. No loyal beasts of the plains or woods, to defend me and comfort me in my pain. My sole companion is my weapon. I must care for it better than any hunter has ever cared for his beast. I must master it more than any warlock has ever mastered his demon. Without me, it is useless. Without it, I am nothing.

I cannot heal. I cannot shield. I cannot call upon the gods and see my prayers answered. I call to the spirits of my ancestors in the heat of battle, and they are silent. My only ability to protect is to offer myself, my blood and bone and sinew, as a sacrifice. To draw the attacks of our foes. To take the blows that would kill a lesser being, and continue to fight on.

I cannot kill with the speed and grace of the rogue, the suddenness and shock of the hunter, or the flamboyance and power of the mage. When I kill, it is a slow business. Slow and bloody for all concerned, myself included. I fight on, pummeled and battered so that my companions may receive the glory of the kill and the wreaths of victory. If I die and they yet live, it is an expected sacrifice.

I come in all races, all sizes. I fight under a thousand flags, on a million battlefields. I am dismissed by the highborn, scorned by the noble, lectured by the priest, and forgotten by the peasant. Until the time when the trumpets of battle sound, and those who would destroy them come forth. And then the cry goes up..."Where, oh where, is the Warrior?"

Pray to your gods that I continue to answer that call.

Few do answer the call. Fewer still survive. It is a long and hard road, this way of the Warrior. Along it lie pain, and fear, and death. Scant rewards and scanter gratitude. At the end, for most, is an anonymous grave on some windblown battlefield. If they are lucky.

And yet, I fight on. I do not even know why. Perhaps for glory, perhaps for fame, perhaps for money, perhaps for my country, perhaps for my family. Perhaps it is simply all I know how to do. But fight I will. Whether you appreciate it or not. Whether you even notice it or not. I will be out there, on the battle lines. Fighting. Killing. Dying.

I am the Tank.

Death is my business.

Be it yours...or mine.
 1 Comment 
"A Solider"4/23/07
 
There is discipline in A Soldier
You can see it when he walks,
There is honor in A Soldier
You hear it when he talks.
There is courage in A Soldier
You can see it in his eyes,
There is loyalty in A Soldier
That he will not compromise.
There is something in A Soldier
That makes him stand apart,
There is strength in A Soldier
That beats from his heart.
A Soldier isn't a title any man
Can be hired to do,
A Soldier is the soul of that man
Buried deep inside of you.
A Soldier's job isn't finished after
An 8 hour day or a 40 hour week,
A Soldier is always A Soldier
Even while he sleeps.
A Soldier serves his country first
And his life is left behind,
A Soldier has to sacrifice what
Comes first in a civilian's mind.
If you are civilian -
I am saying this to you.....
Next time you see A Soldier
remember what they do.
A Soldier is the reason our land
Is 'Home of the free',
A Soldier is the one that is brave
Protecting you and me.
If you are A Soldier -
I am saying this to you.....
Thank God for EVERY SOLDIER
Thank God for what YOU do!

By Angela Goodwin
 0 Comments 
The RDF10/10/06
 
1. Cle is your left.

2. The Corporal never does anything for his/her own enjoyment.

3. This is not a Chinese parliament.

4. ?Get it done? Is the favorite phrase of an NCO.

5. When on the ground, use the designated toilet area.

6. Do not stroll out 20 yards in front of your bivvy and go to toilet.

7. When getting ambushed in the night don?t start screaming ?Charlie?s in the trees!?

8. Likewise, don?t start yelling ?The Germans are coming?

9. Velcro is there for a reason.

10. Camo up everything is not to be taken literally.

11. The NCO is always right

12. The Officer is always right.

13. When Officer and NCO contradict each other, use better judgment.

14. If the NCOs wanted us to smile they would take us down to the armory and issue us all with smiles.

15. The sheep are not laughing at me.

16. The PDF however are laughing at my marching

17. Rumors should not be believed, even if the NCO/Officer starts them.

18. There is no such thing as a half-day in the army.

19. We are on government time.

20. Being hungover on duty is a chargeable offence, if you?re caught.

21. Mass parade will be made available to all persons.

22. Mass parade will take place only if enough people sign up for it.

23. Blank ammunition can kill.

24. It?s still safe though.

25. I will not trick the NCOs into saying they are firing blanks today.

26. I will not trick the new recruits into saying that they enjoyed their camp experience.

27. Despite my own opinion, Kilbride is not a deserted wasteland.

28. Participation in the ?Fun evening recreation? is mandatory.

29. The Corporal does not like to be called ?Corpy?.

30. Admin is the easiest thing in the world to do.

31. If the corporal can?t find you, he can?t give you a job.

32. The best NCO is the NCO who doesn?t know your name.

33. The worst NCO is the NCO who knows your name.

34. DJ + 2 different Battalions + Alcohol + Dancing NCOs + Curfew = Funniest night ever.

35. The 7th can?t dance.

36. The 21st can?t dance, but we give it a bloody good effort.

37. Under no circumstances will the chorus to the song YMCA be replaced with ?The, F, C, A?.

38. Recruits will always be looking for the keys to the square.

39. And DPM paint.

40. It is not nice to tease recruits.

41. It?s damn funny though.

42. Never call the Military Police Parking Attendants to their face.

43. Don?t ask them where their traffic cones are.

44. Never try and hi-five an NCO. It will end in tears.

45. I am not special.

46. I?m still waiting for the long weight from the CQ.

47. We?ll get issued everything we?ll ever need????..next week.

48. The Sergeant may be god, but even he shits himself when the BSM is about.

49. The chap who asks the guard commander can he go to sleep fifteen minutes into a 24hr guard duty is not someone you can depend on.

50. Can machines in the army will break down just as you?re given a canteen break.

51. 58 webbing, despite all the CQ?s promises, zip-ties, bungee cords and duct tape will fall apart five minutes on the ground.

52. Never tell the POT?s instructors it?s your birthday.

53. If you don?t have to run, walk.
If you don?t have to walk, stand still.
If you don?t have to stand, sit down.
If you don?t have to sit up, lie down.
If you don?t have to stay awake, fall asleep.

54. The greatest motivators in the army are the promise of pay, rest, the mess and the huge PDF corporal with the 12? boot?s threats.

55. The ARW snipers aren?t people like you or me. They are moving bushes who can hide anywhere and appear everywhere.

56. When the sergeant asks is everyone having fun, the correct answer is not ?Very Fun, Sergeant!?

57. No matter what rank a soldier is, at least once in their career they have walked past a sheep in Kilbride faced it and went ?Baaaaaaa!?

58. The Bren might not be old in the scheme of things but I?m pretty sure the one I trained on the other night killed Germans.

59. Never trust a private to do anything

60. Just because you can't use physical violence anymore doesn't mean the suggestion of it won't motivate.

61. If an officer tries to shag you.... you?re shagged.

62. What happens on camp stays on camp.

63. One latex glove and some wet toilet paper are the only tools required to clean almost anything. For really tricky jobs, you might need two gloves.

64. Human bullfights with helmets still hurt.

65. "Going on the advanced party" is a polite way of saying "Get in the kitchens bitch!"

66. When the Enemy are Sgt's and Corporals. They are Invincible to Blank Rounds and Thunder Flashes.

67. Never wrestle a guy twice your size in a trench!

68. Always Bring extra rations on a Dig in!!

69. Violence is acceptable as long as there is no bruising to the Face!!

70. 3 days in a trench followed by a disco and Fat frogs = seriously bad hangover!!

71. When on camp the f-word is used as a noun, adjective and verb.

72. Army chefs can take the finest Irish ingredients and turn them into something completely inedible

73. Chef's can be a bit abrupt when asked a question.

I.E.: When asking whether a random brownish liquid is gravy or curry sauce you will get a reply along the lines of "No, its fuckin? bananas"

74. You might as well eat every bit of food when you are given it, otherwise it will be highly seasoned and given to you later (with a different sauce if you're lucky).

75. As the camp comes to an end their are less and less sausages for breakfast.

76. Making mistakes with the Steyr can cause it to do all sorts of weird and wonderful things (so says the Sgt)

77. Complaining to the chef about burnt toast even as a joke will lead to the breakfast next day doing all sorts of freaky things to your bowels.

78. Never tire of learning, because they never tire of teaching.

79. When you dive into cover be sure you?ll be able to get out again.

80. No one really knows how to work a SYNCGARS.

81. When you are woken up from a deep sleep for two hours watch in the middle of a forest in the pitch dark you begin to hallucinate after about ten minutes.

82. Spending a day walking in the hills constitutes a tactical exercise.

83. 50% of time spent standing around is because someone is away looking for keys

84. If chicken has a spine, it?s a cat.

85. Curry sandwiches are a thing.

86. Cheap camo cream will never, ever, ever, ever, ever come out of your eyebrows or hairline.

87. First rule as a corporal: Look after your men
Second rule as a corporal: Look after your women and they'll look after you

88. First rule as a sergeant: Your always right
Second rule as a sergeant: In the event that you?re wrong refer to the first rule

89. All mutton meals usually coincide with recruit range practices

90. There is no such thing as pepper in the army

91. Curry will have carrots and peas

92. That is not a starter ...that?s your fucking dinner!

93. The mattress will indicate the sexual habits and toilet problems of the previous occupant

94. Four pints in the mess usually translates into fifteen trips to the bog... the last one usually an hour before reveille!

95. The corporal is not any of the following: A bank, pencil case, stationary shop, change machine, here for his/her own enjoyment, happy to see me.

96. A 10k TAB is really a 30k one.

97. When you dream of a rather large sheep running around your billet screaming at night you are not actually dreaming and it is not actually a sheep with its bits hanging, but a fairly pissed...........Well ya probably get the idea

98. If there are no crows around the skip, don?t have the chicken.

99. You don?t have to salute when you take down the red flags on the ranges.

100. There can be a hundred people on the truck but there?ll always be room for one more.

101. RDF=Remedial Defence Forces

102. FCA=F**kin? Crap Army

103. The Air Corps only exists in name.

104. I best cheer up and be happy; I might get slotted by a sniper in the morning.

105. Mowags leave a very large mess behind them.

106. Why would I need a lift? It?s only 5k.

107. Admin=Paid holiday.

108. I am not allowed to ?Have a go? of the Rangers sniper rifles.

109. The term ?No weapons in the mess does? not apply to the rangers.

110. My fellow soldiers do not like the song ?I got my mind set on you? and they certainly don?t appreciate me humming it and putting it in their heads.

111. An ND is only an ND if you?re caught.

112. Chances are if you?re doing something in the army that?s fun, you can probably be charged for whatever it is you?re doing.

113. A bag of sweets left out in the open will be gone in less then 5 minutes.

114. One soldiers unwanted kit is another soldiers 58? webbing.

115. Kilbride terminology:

Square = 30 degree slanted tarmac slope.
Locals = Sheep
Recreation = Reading the graffiti board in the gate room.
Improved ablutions = Portakabin crapper.

116. The bar may close at 12 but that doesn?t stop it from serving.

117. There?s no rank in the mess but you still call him Sergeant.

118. I may be getting shot at but I still have to lift with my knees.

119. Speed limits do not apply to the PDF drivers. Nor do red lights, pedestrian crossings or police sirens.

120. If there is any messing, Mr. Hand gets introduced to Mr. Back of head.

121. I will not start humming the deliverance banjo song when entering or leaving Kilbride.

122. Ryanair could probably beat the Air corps.

123. When being challenged by a guard, the correct answer is none of the following: The IRA, the Taliban, Tits McGee, Your Ma or ?Who the fuck said that??

124. 3 officers + Map + Compass = Lost.

125. The army was looking for a place to put a camp. They wanted an area where the wind constantly blew, there was a cheap construction firm nearby, no escape possible and sheep everywhere. That?s when they stumbled on Kilbride.

126. If something goes missing blame it on the Rangers. No MP is ever going to ask a Ranger if he nicked something.

127. I am not in Bondi now so there?s no need for the shapes.

128. The private who snores the loudest will be the one who complains the most about all the snoring the following morning.

129. On the last day of camp anything left in the drying room is fair game.

130. I?m not Michael Flatley and I am not auditioning for Lord of the Dance.

131. ?We?re on some fucking road near Tallaght? is not proper radio protocol.

132. It?s not a mobile phone, it?s a backup SINCGARS set.

133. ?8 inches? is not the correct answer to the sergeant?s question ?How am I feeling this morning??

134. Arrive 15 minutes early, they?ll arrive 15 minutes late.

135. A fork sellotaped to a Steyr is not a bayonet. It?s still lethal though.

136. Watching someone getting a bollicking is like slowing down to look at a car crash. You just can?t look away.

137. It?s not Alpha Company, it?s A company.
It?s not Bravo Company, its B Company.
It?s not C Company, its Clown Company.

138. Its ?YES, CORPORAL!? not ?Coola Boola Corp?

139. Jilty is code for ?Smart, uniform and soldier like manner?. It also means ?You?re feeling well, you?re excited, you?ve got an erection or all of the above.

140. There may or may not be such a thing as beer goggles but there are certainly such a thing as Camp goggles.

141. In the Glen of Imaal the windows in the billets are wide enough to fit a mattress out the window. Don?t ask me how I know this.

142. Defence forces: When we do our job, we get shot at, rained on, yelled at and we still come back for more.

143. ?I know what you guys get up to when the hatches are closed? is not a good topic of conversation when talking to a Cavalry Trooper.

144. It is possible to fall asleep in a ditch at the side of the road for 15 minutes without anyone noticing.

145. It is also possible to disappear from a night-exercise for two hours without anyone noticing.

146. Stupid question = smartarse answer.

147. I am not a helicopter.

148. Just close your eyes ignore the smell and eat your army meal.

149. If it doesn?t work the first time, try it again. When it doesn?t work the second time use it regardless.

150. Never ring the guard on duty at the gate at 4am, hammered drunk, and ask him if ham sandwiches are on the room service menu!!

151. Never leave a camera unattended, it can be very embarrassing collecting your pictures.

152. If a recruit comes in drunk and late and gives cheek to the BOS, the entire billet WILL be woken at 6am by the BOS constantly banging on the same recruits locker for ten minutes solid.

153. Never moon the Military Police, no matter how many of you are doing it, they will hunt you all down.

154. It may be funny to spike an officer?s drink with Viagra, while everyone is drunk, but if he doesn't get sex, the consequences will be dire!

155. I?m a weekend warrior, in my spare time I do push-ups until my knuckles bleed and then I sharpen my knife.

156. The sergeant?s wife is a very nervous woman.

157. She may be ugly but she gets the job done.

158. Even though I may never have been thought or even heard of a certain procedure, I should still know it and be able to perform it expertly.

159. I did not go to school with the sergeant and he doesn?t owe me money so I shouldn?t be staring at him.

160. Don?t look at the sergeant, look through him.

161. Wet-gear is exactly that, wet gear.

162. When you unroll your poncho, two things will happen: 1) You will find a massive rip in it, 2) It will start to rain.

163. The story of how the DF got the Steyr: Ireland needed guns, Austria needed butter. The end.

164. If I say ?Sir, its raining?, the Officer will say ?Alright best get back inside then.?

165. If I say ?Sergeant, its raining?, the Sergeant will say ?No shit Sherlock?

166. The best way to torture a platoon is to give them a ?La tharamh on dheis dreasaigh? and leave them at that position for 5 minutes or tell them the mess is closed.

167. When caught by a sudden shower in the open, the time it takes you to get your poncho out and on you will be the same length of time that the rain takes to stop. You will be soaked to the skin and the sun will once again be shining as if nothing ever happened.

168. The medics can fix anything with plasters and some deep heat.

169. Karaoke nights in the army will usually end up as shouting matches between units

170. If the sergeant informs you that there will be a CO?s parade in the morning, don?t ask what the theme of our float will be.

171. If you are a NCO and want to find something out / are checking something, ask the troops 3 times (you'll get a different answer each time), then check for yourself and the situation is ALWAYS different.

172. Smoke grenades are to be thrown at a safe distance to the enemy but if you manage to hit one square between the eyes, fair play.

173. Pyro is cool.

174. Taunting the PDF during an exercise isn?t admirable, but by god its fun.

175. We?re not here to have fun.

176. Impregnable defensive positions can be built with large Styrofoam blocks.

177. If you can impersonate the DS officer?s voice, you can kill anyone on the exercise.

178. The Platoon Sgt. does not appreciate being called "First Mate"

179. Even after the officer has referred to the troops as a bunch of pirates.

180. "Yarr, sir" can occasionally be used as a reply to "How are you feeling?"

181. Listen to the Platoon Sgt when he asks / tells you something.

182. Listen to the Platoon Sgt when he tells you not to ask the GOC any questions.

183. Complaints about the lack of sausages and lack of access to the drying room to the GOC result in the Platoon Sgt having a bad day.

184. If you complain about the lack of sausages, don't tell the GOC that you don't usually have breakfast till 3pm.

185. If you complain about lack of access to the drying room, make sure you have previously looked for access to it.

186. The Cook Corporal is right in telling you, you should carry 5 litres of water for 24 hours.

187. Go to camp prepared for all eventualities.

189. It can get cold and boring between the time you are deployed (2-3pm) and the time the enemy launches its attack at 3.15am. But then it gets exciting.

190. Recce troops don't appreciate being illuminated as they move.

191. You can never have enough Illum.

192. Destroy your model after use.

193. Always save the Colours, even if they are a pirate flag

194. It is possible during an inspection to say "1058--- Pirate Bloggs, J" without either the Officer, Sergeant or Corporals realizing it.

195. PDF NCOs hate RDF officers, everyone else is fine in their book.

196. 5 litres of water a day is a good idea for when the water fight starts.

197. Thunder flashes are lethal weapons when filled with stones. (They go further though)

198. Enemy is the best job ever. Loads of ammo and nothing but time till the targets walk past.

199. Smoke grenades come in all the Colours of the rainbow.

200. Nicotine patches are an essential part of any medical kit.

201. It's bloody awkward when you?re radioman and your three handhelds start talking at once

202. Being tough and macho by only bringing 2 litres of water out on the ground isn't a good idea

203. The radio person does more running than the runner.

204. Being given charge of something doesn't automatically give you the ability to order your peers about

205. If you ask for orders and your leader yells "I don't know, look like you're doing something" in a high noise environment, worry.

206. Do not piss off anyone in the PDF.

207. Don?t call the cooks ?Ration Assassins?

208. There may be an army regulation stating that if you work past 12 you get the next day off, but why you think it applies to you................

209. It is possible to function for 48 hrs with only 2 hrs sleep. It?s not fun though.

210. Less than attractive females start looking a lot more attractive as the week goes by. Especially if you are sleep deprived.

211. If you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined.

212. In the event of an F-16 coming over and dropping a nuclear bomb on my head, I should just deal with it.

213. Your rifle may not be set to stun.

214. Pillaging is not an operational phase.

215. "I was cold" is a bad reason to be in the female barracks.

216. It doesn?t matter how much you deny it, two large muddy hand prints on your back will tell everyone in the billet exactly who and what you were up?????..to.

217. Don?t fall over.

218. Its not bleeding, it's character building

219. The medics are never busy and eventually they?ll start trying to injure people out of sheer boredom.

220. Having every minute of your day planned out for you can be exhausting but when you actually get a day off you won?t know what to do and start asking for jobs.

221. ?We need a decoy.... ? is usually followed by a lot of running.

222. When the officer asks if anyone wants a cup of tea he?s not taking orders.

223. I?m in the Irish army, not the salvation army.

224. I?m not paid to think

225. Rain ? its just liquid sunshine

226. I should stand closer to the razor next time.

227. I shouldn?t iron my smock with a rusty mess tin.

228. I?m depriving some village of an idiot

229. Wet gear is the enemy of silence

230. The PDF don?t like Gareth Brooks

231. Shut up, stop being negative and go away

232. Just because I?m in a part-time organisation doesn?t mean I shouldn?t use my full time brain

233. No jazz hands when marching

234. The incompetent leading the unwilling to do the unnecessary

235. Nobody wants the vegetable noodles

236. Stop going around the world I?m not in daft punk

237. Don't follow an eyes right with an eyes left when saluting officers, unless you're slick enough to pull it off.

238. This is not the Costa Del fucking Kilbride

239. If I don?t like fucking cursing, I can go and fuck myself

240. Just because you got into a club one night for free because the bouncers thought you were from the Barracks around the corner doesn't mean you can just stroll in from then on without paying.

241. Be nice to the PDF Pot's during the riot training, they might be the ones who injure you and then treat you 5 seconds later.

242. The lines between PDF and RDF blur with alcohol.

243. It doesn?t matter how big your gun is, you still need ammo.

244. The guys who clear mines don?t get paid enough

245. Don't try and hi-five the officers.

246. When the PDF are about a billet beomes a mattress and duvet affair.

247. Its possible to do a blue steel in a gas mask.

248. What ever time you are told u will be leaving the barricks at four a exercise or range practice or what ever add on 2 or even 3 hours to thats time u will leave
 2 Comments 
Do It When Ever5/11/06
 
1 Who are you?.......
2. Are we friends?........
3. When and how did we meet?........
4. Do you hav a crush on me?.........
5. Give me a nikname and explain why?........
6. Describe me in 1 word........
7. what was ur first impression ov me?.......
8. do u still fink the same?......
9. What reminds u ov me?.....
10. If you could giv me anything wot wod it b?......
11. How well do u no me?......
12. Whens the last tym u saw me?.....
13. Eva wanted 2 tell me sumthing u couldnt?......
14. Are you goin 2 put dis on ur blog and c wot i say about u?.....
15. fondest memory between us?............
 22 Comments 
Fucking Funny5/7/06
 
Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman,Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."


The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Edward, "He plays Rugby for Leinster but I was just too embarrassed to say..''
 4 Comments 
The Best Bebo Rap Battle Ever5/5/06
 
From Frankie McLaughlin <silent-charisma>
To Rugo Akilla <smookydoz>


I'm gonna rip this guys asinine ass/ till he has 2 go 2 the toilet with a magnifying glass/ ur trying 2 steal gees girl, u must really need her/ since ur dick is so small u have 2 piss with tweezers/ u say ur gonna rape his sis, ooooh, ur a real ladies man/ but u only have one girl, and "her" name is dan/ and tell ur mom tanx 4 last nite, it wasnt the worst/ by the way, tell her sorry i didnt wake her up first.../ so dont even bother trying 2 write back, becuz ur shit/ now go suck michael nelsons dick..., u little bitch
 1 Comment 
Things To Do In An Elevator4/9/06
 

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Garry. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator

Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura

Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

Fart loudly then exclaim "Not I said the wolf"

Jump up and down then look at the floor and shout "Let go you bastard "

Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."

Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction
 3 Comments 
Only In Ireland4/6/06
 
Only in Ireland...
Only in Ireland...

Only in Ireland... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance

Only in Ireland... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
to the counters.

142 Irish were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.

58 Irish are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

13 Irish have died since 1996 by wateringtheir Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.

Irish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents

101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Irish had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Irish were admitted to A&E in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Irish were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control
Scalextric cars.

AND finally......... In 2000, 8 Irish cracked their skull whilst
throwing up into the toilet!
 1 Comment 
Quote Of The Day 6-4-20064/6/06
 
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may only be secounds away from death. - Anthony Carroll
 0 Comments 
Quote Of The Day 31-3-20063/31/06
 
What if the hokey-cokey is what it's all about. - Anthony Carroll
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