Kevin Gardiner <KirkyLegend1>

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"

The Hospitality Industry made me hate people...inspired by Hugh Hannah lol2/22/10
'hot' coffee = burnt milk, u fuckwit
**Note to all senior citizens: we are now living in the 21st century. Although milk last century may have been heated to tongue scaldingly hot proportions, latest scientific investigations and a marked rise in good taste have shown that it is now best consumed at 65 degrees celsius. SO GET OVER THE HOT COFFEES! Move with the times old farts.**

Worse still, those who order a hot coffee, then sit there reading their newspaper for half an hour before even having a sip of the bloody thing

Also...NO we won't put extra froth on your feckin cappucino. Try Preston Market if you want froth bubbles the size of your fist.

"I want a very weak, hot, skinny decaf cappucino with no froth". Have some water, twat chops!

There's only one dirty/reserved table in the entire restaurant and that's the one they sit on. WHYYYYYYYYY?!

When u say, "Take a seat wherever u like" to newly arrived customers, then spend the next 10 minutes following them around the restaurant with menus in hand like a lost puppy dog while they find the perfect table. Just sit down douchebags! It's a table, not fkn prime real estate!

When people walk right on in and seat themselves. Then complain if they haven't been served within 2 minutes.

Women with monster truck prams who insist on choosing the most difficult to access, furtherest away table in the entire restaurant. They then proceed to weave their hulking 4WD baby-carrier through a maze of tables, forcing dining customers to move chairs and shift tables out of their path. Sorry ladies, we all know the world would be nothing without mothers, but u are an immense pain in the ass.

Also, people that feel the need to constantly move tables, leaving a little mess behind everywhere they go.

People that sit at dirty tables while ur gettin fkn slammed then look at the table in disdain and immediately say: "Can I get this wiped?" as if you've just been standin round scratchin ur ass.

Saying "sorry" to people when you really couldn't give half a fuck

Saying "sorry" to people for chefs' mistakes. Is it just me or have you noticed that most of them are unable to read or spell correctly?!

People who come up and ask you for change so they can split their bill. Just put in the extra 2 bucks u scrooge

Splitting bills

Being asked for a calculator by tightasses that want to split their bill down to the last cent. JUST ROUND UP!

Fake smiling all day long

Fake laughing at people's shit jokes
eg. "Any sugar in your coffee?"
"No, I'm sweet enough already!"
 're so crazy!"

Alternatively: "How would you like your steak, Sir?"

Knowing that one day u r gonna need some major Botox work to get rid of the crow's feet you have developed from all the fake smiling.

Knowing that all the money you're earning working in hospitality will be one day spent on Botox.

Using the same lines over and over again when people gush about the food.
Eg. Customer: "Wow this Big Breakfast really is big!"
Waiter <massively jaded>: "Yes, it is huge isn't it."

THE BREAKFAST SHIFT. It's bad enough having to start work at 8am on a Sunday morning. But then you have to listen to this shit:
"I'll have the big breakfast. Eggs poached, but not too runny. I don't want my eggs on top of my toast. No butter on the toast. Wholemeal instead of white bread. Bacon crispy. Mushrooms on the side, no salt. And spinach instead of the sausages. I want the tomatoes raw, not grilled. Oh, and can I have hollandaise sauce with that too?"

Listening to people's shit conversations while you stand there and wait for them to hurry the fuck up and order. If you concentate hard enough, you can almost feel your brain cells dying...

Listening to people's shit conversations go on and on when you're massively under the pump, you've heard the kitchen bell ringing about 20 times in the background already, and there's about 50 coffees to be taken out. Hurrrrry uppppp!

Having to hold fake smiles for just a little bit longer cos the customer can still see you in the mirrored walls

People taking cutlery/serviettes etc off set tables

People asking "how big is the..?", "how many prawns do you get in the...?". Eg....
Customer: "How big is the risotto?"
Waiter: "It's a main meal."
Customer: "Oh, is it quite a large main?"
Waiter: "Yes, I would say so."
Customer: "Do you think it would be too much for me?"
Waiter <totally not knowing what the hell to say as they are unaware of the size of the customer's stomach>: "Uhhhh, it should be ok I think."
Customer: "So it's not huge then?"
Waiter <now with look of desperation in eyes>: "Erm, it's about so big..." <waiter makes quite inaccurately sized circle with hands in attempt to demonstrate size of risotto>
Customer: "Oh ok."
AS IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE U BUTT NUGGET! Thanks for wasting 10 minutes of my life.

Alternatively: "How big is the 8-inch pizza?"

Being asked other fuckin stupid questions:
i.e. "Do you have meals here?"
Erm, no. This is the only restaurant in the world that doesn't serve meals.

"Do you have water?"
Nope, we've run out.

"Is the bread fresh?"
Well, no sir, it's actually stale. It's from the day before yesterday.

"Is the steak nice?"
To tell you the truth madam, you'd probably be better off if you went home and opened up a can of CHUM.

"Do you have Vietnamese rice paper rolls here."
No, you're in a fuckin Thai restaurant. Wrong country.

"Do you have Miso soup here?"
No, you're in a fuckin Malaysian restaurant. Wrong country.

"Do you have a bathroom?"
No, just shit on the floor. Over there.

"How is the Louis XIII cognac?"
Dunno. I only get $10 an hour. Cash. No super. No sick leave. No overtime. No weekend rates. No public holiday rates. Just 10 bucks. If I could afford to drink Louis XIII do you think I would be slaving away in this shithole?

Customer- "I can't believe you don't have any food here! I've gone though this entire list and there isnt anything!"
Waiter- "Ah, that's the wine list...Would you like a menu?"

People calling you over and saying, "We're ready to order!" then taking 15 minutes to decide what they want.
Customer 1: "We are ready to order now."
Waiter: "What can I get you?"
Customer 1: "What are you having, dear?"
Customer 2: "I dont know, you?"
Customer 1: "I'm not sure either."
Customer 2: "Should we get some breads?"
Customer 1: "If you want to. I don't mind."
Customer 2: "Do you want some wine?"
Customer 1: "Yes, but I haven't looked at the wine list yet."

People walking straight past you and failing to acknowledge your existence when you greet them at the door. Get your own fuckin food then!

Massive tables that don't book, order seperately, then expect all their meals to come out at the same time.

When you spend half an hour playing restaurant table Tetris to fit in a booking of 25 on a Saturday night...AND THEN THEY NEVER TURN UP!
...And then you call said reservation to enquire politely where they are, and they say, "Oh no, we won't be coming in tonight."
...And then you get slammed, and in between serving customers, spend the rest of the night attempting to unset and unglass the 25 settings, and move the tables back to their normal spots. Fuck off to La Porchetta!

People that come in and expect special treatment because they "know the owner". Hey! Loser! I know the owner too, and he's a dirty tea-bagger who never gives me Saturday night off. So go jump.

The biggest ballbreakers (e.g. the ones that make u return to the kitchen 50 bazillion times for worcestershire sauce/other assorted random condiments) are always the ones that tip the least

MOTHER'S DAY: A day universally dreaded by hospitality workers. Why? I hear you ask:
(a) All the losers and freaks who never normally venture
out of their cave feel obliged to take their mother out
to a restaurant, resulting in on onslaught of clueless
e.g. Cust: I'll have a cup of tea thanks.
Waiter: "Will that be English Breakfast, Earl Gray or
herbal tea, sir?"
Cust: "I just want normal tea! Don't you have normal
(b) No matter where you work, it is bound to be the
busiest day of the working year. However it is not a
public holiday, so you won't even get paid extra to bust
your balls...3 seatings for breakfast? $15/hour while
the restaurant makes thousands? No worries boss!
(c) You have to smile and say "Happy Mother's Day!" to
every woman in the restaurant, all the while wishing
that your own mother had never given birth to you.
(d) The aforementioned freaks and losers are invariably
tightasses who already resent having to pay $3 for a
cup of coffee which they could have made at home for
20 cents, and therefore will not tip you one lousy cent.
ALL IN ALL...everyone's a winner on mother's day!

Parties of one that sit on tables for ten

People that bitch n moan about the wine list.
2 types of people:
(a) The Snob <in Stewie off Family Guy voice>: "OH MY GOHHHD! They don't have Penfold's Bin 707 here!" Later on..."Waiter! This wine is CORKED!" What the deuce!
(b) The Tightass <in Northern suburbs of Melboune suburban trash voice>: "Hey, I can get this one at Safeway for $10 a bottle!"

Dickweed walk-ins who come into a fully booked restaurant and say, "Are you sure you can't fit us in, there are so many empty tables here?" YEAH BUT THEY'RE BOOKED!

People who call u over when you're in the middle of taking another customer's order

Rude twats: "HEY! Where the HELL is my Coke? I ordered it HALF AN HOUR ago!!". As opposed to: "Excuse me, I didn't receive my Coke."

"How would u like your eggs cooked?" means poached, fried or scrambled u dumbshit, so don't say "well done/runny/medium". This happens continually. I may top myself sometime soon if I hear it one more time.

When people say, "Keep the change!" and u thank them sincerely only to find that it's 10 cents

All chefs r cunts...ring that bell one more time...

Falling victim to random attacks of Chef-Rage. Don't get those black-n-white chequered panties in a knot...Just cook the fkn meal how I asked for it.

People that insist on coming up to the register to order and people that insist on paying as soon as they order. It's not a GODDAMN CAFETERIA. Fuck off and stop clogging up my register.

No u can't have some water, buy a drink u tightass

No u can't have ice/a slice of lemon/a straw with your water

Busy busy people that tell you they need their meal/drinks out in a hurry cos they have somewhere to go. Maybe try somewhere with a drive-thru next time cos your waiter honestly ain't gonna move any faster for u!

Tightwads that ask u how much something is, then say, " I can make it myself for cheaper". Go home then!

Cheapskates who complain how expensive everything is. Yes, I may look like a waitress, but secretly I am a member of the global banking elite and have the power to control the economy. Gimme a moment to go and call my government alliances so I can get the price of dairy products reduced for you, then you won't have to pay $2.50 for your latte YOU FUCKING PENNY-PINCHING SHIT. Don't come out if you can't afford it.

When you've stacked every chair in the restaurant, n ur mopping the floor and people come in and say: "Are you guys still open?" What the fuck!

Couple walks in very late at night and asks, "Is the kitchen still open?". You take pity on them (cos they look like sad lifeless retards), and say, "Yeah, no problem, but the kitchen closes in 5 minutes, so you'll need to decide quickly." Said couple then takes 20 minutes to decide what they want, then go on to order a 3 course meal, including a well-done steak. Fuck me sideways, I hate my life.

Groups who ignore u n keep on chattin while ur standing there with an armful of hot, heavy plates
Waiter: "Who's having the pumpkin risotto?"
Waiter then walks to other end of table: "Pumpkin risotto?"
<<<Everyone looks at waiter blankly, shaking their heads>>>
Waiter <louder now>: "PUMPKIN RISOTTO? Anyone having the PUMPKIN RISOTTO?"
<<<still no reply>>
Waiter walks back to other side of table and repeats same process with no result.
Waiter turns to walk away from the table and return to the kitchen, thinking that an error must have been made in the order.
Customer: "Wait, is that the pumpkin risotto? That's mine!"
<<<without doubt, this will be the customer that was in closest proximity to the waiter when the food was first brought to the table>>> FUCKSTICK!

Impatient fuckerrrs who come up to the coffee machine to order stuff

When you've got about 10 plates in your hands and there's no room to put them down. Move your glass out of the way u cock!

People ignoring you then expecting you to come as soon as they snap their fingers

Being ignored when you ask, "Can I get anything for anyone?"

Meal orders changed beyond recognition:
"A caesar salad with no anchovies, bacon or croutons. Dressing on the side. No egg."

Customers who complain constantly about everything yet keep returning week after week. Fuck off if u don't like it JIZZBEARD!

People wanting an icebucket for their $5 bottle of Queen Adelaide riesling. It's shit at 5 degrees, and it'll still be shit at 25 degrees

Returning to a table with someone's drink, only to be given another drink order by someone else on the table who previously ignored you when u asked if anyone would like a drink. Returning to the same table about 5 times in the same fashion.

People asking what drinks you have despite them all being on the menu in front of them. U then rattle all the drinks off only for them to reply, "Ok, I'll have a Coke".

When people who order steaks WD crack the shits about how long they've been waiting

People who can't remember what they ordered. Ah, so many challenges in life.

"Can I have some tomato sauce?". You're eating risotto, not a meat pie. Common street trash.

Waiter: "What can I get for u?"
Fatty boom-ba: "Burger and fries, extra fries. Oh, and a DIET Coke/thickshake with SKINNY milk"
Good to see ur making healthy lifestyle choices, Lardo!

Alternatively..."A skinny latte with equal, and a slice of chocolate mud cake." Sorry to rain on your parade wingnut, but there's probably about half a kilo of sugar in the cake!

Alternatively...skinny short macchiato. WTF

Waiter: "Hi, how are you?"
Cuntstomer: *silence*/chats to friends
Waiter: <forcefully, with larger fake smile> "HI, how are YOU?
Cuntstomer: "I'll get a latte"

"Get me this"

"I want this"

Indecisiveness...the mortal enemy of the busy waiter...

Now, in this modern day and age it is no longer sufficient to just order "a coffee". This ain't America! Coffee doesn't come in a jug! U need to SPECIFY!!!!! In a similar vein: "I'll have a glass of red." Ass clowns.

Being forced to play Twenty-Fucking-Questions over aforementioned coffee order. If you know what you want, just fucking say it! Example:
Me: "Hi there, what can I get for you?"
Git: "I want a coffee"
Me: (oh goody, here we go) "Sure. What kind of coffee were you after?"
Twat: "A latte"
Me: (why not say that straight up?) "Ok. Was that to have here or take-away?"
Nob: "Take-away"
Me: (grrrr) "What size would you like?"
Slapper: "Medium"
Me: (fuuuuuckin) Any sugar in that?"
Tardo: "Yeah, two"

People that order a strong coffee, then send it back cos it's "too strong".

When you put your cutlery together and leave ur serviette scrunched up on your plate it means you're done, so don't get all shitty when I try to take your plate away

When everyone at the table puts their cash in the billfold, n one asshole comes up and pays the bill with their credit card then keeps the change...scumbag- karma is coming for you!

The "I'll pay"/"No, I'm paying" the bill argument. People that stand in front of the register pushing money in your face, and grabbing their friend's money out of your hand while they fight over who pays. Fuck off.

NB. It is almost a certainty that said "bill payer" will then stand at the register and wait for their $1.50 change. Oh wow, you're so generous.

"Sorry about the mess that the kids made".......OH YEAH NO WORRIES just sit back and watch them while they empty ten sugar sachets onto the table

"I'll have the chicken." The chicken parma? The chicken salad? The chicken pasta? The chicken risotto? Too bad I'm a waitress and not a FUCKIN MINDREADER

Waiter arrives at a table with 3 meals: "Steak sandwich?"
Customer #1: "Yes"
Waiter puts meal down in front of customer #1
Customer #1: "Oh, no that's her meal, I'm having the risotto..."


People who eat almost all the meal before complaining about it

Sad cases who want to take the smallest morsel of leftover food home. Eg a quarter of a soggy pancake. No shit, it actually happened.

Impatient customer: "Can I order a latte?"
Waiter #1: "No problem" <goes off to place drink order>
Impatient customer, 30 seconds later, calls another waiter over.
Waiter #2: "How can I help you?"
Impatient customer: "I want a latte."
Waiter #2: "Ok, sure thing." <goes off to place drink order, not knowing that impatient bitch has already placed the same order 30 seconds earlier>
Waiter 1 brings first latte to table.
Five minutes later, waiter 2 arrives at table with second latte.
Impatient customer: "Oh, I already got my coffee"

People that don't listen. Eg: menu reads "Carbonara with your choice of pasta"
Customer: "I'll have the carbonara."
Waiter: "Would you like that with spaghetti, penne or tortellini?"
Customer: "Do you have fettucine?"
Waiter: "No, just spaghetti, penne or tortellini."
Customer: "Oh ok. What's the long thin flat pasta called?"
Waiter: "Fettucine."
Customer: "Ok I'll have that."
Waiter: "No, we don't have fettucine. Spaghetti, penne or tortellini only."
Customer: "Are you sure?"
Waiter: "Er, yes."
Customer: "Oh right. Ok, I'll have rigatoni then..."

Walk-ins of 15 people. Pick up the phone and book

Old people who order 10 coffees, all different, then the first one you take out, they all claim as theirs. Ends up with 2 or so complaining because Mavis didnt get her 1/4 decaf latte on soy extra hot because Glenys took it first instead of her cappuccino

When it's 1am...on a Saturday night...on the 12th hour of your shift... and some cunt tells u to smile.

People who stick their chewy on their coffee cup/saucer/teaspoon

Customers who feel the need to constantly repeat themselves, treating the waitstaff like incompetent fools. Eg. Cust: "Can I please have a skinny latte. Make sure it's skinny please, I can't have full cream milk."
Waiter: "Ok, no problems, one skinny latte."
Waiter then repeats order back to table, and turns to leave...
Cust: "Make sure that latte is skinny!!!"
Some time later, the waiter returns to the table with the coffee.
Waiter: "Your skinny latte ma'am."
Customer: "That's skinny, right?"

Customers that say, "There should be another meal/coffee coming" straight after you've brought 2 armfuls of meals/coffees over to their table. YES there is more coming, but I only have TWO hands to carry the fuckin things with u impatient turd!

Scumbags who think that BYO means u can bring your own soft drinks

Those that are not embarassed to bring a cleanskin wine as their BYO *cringe*

The semi-semi-regular customer who expects you to remember their order everytime they come in ("the usual, thanks")., if my memory was good enough to remember the coffee habits of every Tom, Dick and Harry who came into this restaurant, then I'd probably just be down at the casino counting cards rather than partaking in this pathetic excuse for an occupation now, wouldn't I?

Scumbags who bring their own (supermarket) cake to restaurants/cafes that serve cakes. If you wanna eat that shit, go home to your caravan and eat that shit. Don't make me bring out 10 sets of plates, serviettes and cake forks. Don't make me clean the crumbs off the floor and table after you've gone. I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is!

Finger snappers, whistlers and clappers...
Sluts, whores and prostitutes.

Adults who insist on ordering from the children's menu

Customers who sit outside then say: "Can you do anything about all the flies/pigeons?"

People that rave on and on about how great the service was...then don't leave a tip. Kind words ain't gonna pay my rent, buddy! Gimme $20 and fuck off!

Scumbags who order a pot of tea (for one) then ask for 2 tea cups (for two) so they can share the pot of tea (scum)

People who ask inane questions about the menu. Eg.
"What is prosciutto?" WHAT?! Have you been living in a cave? A cave with no cured meats in it?!

Senior citizens of the tightass variety who ask you whether you do a senior's discount, and then when you say "No, sorry", shake their heads and grumble as if you've just punched a baby. Oi grandma! You get free money off the government, cheap movies, cheap transport...what more do you want?!!!!!!

The one table that hangs around til half past midnight even though you've turned off most of the lights & the music & stacked all the chairs around them. Plus they haven't ordered a drink for the past two hours. Don't you have homes to go to??!

Customer: "Do you have lattes?"
No, sorry, we are out of those today. Only have cappucinos and short blacks left. Should have some in by Friday. For fuuuuuuuuuuck's sake

When people crack the sads and say shit like "I'm taking my business somewhere else!".
FYI your waiter doesn't give a fuck!
(a) they don't own the place
(b) that equals one less person/rude bastard to serve
therefore actually making their job easier
(c) they're still gettin paid ur measly $15/hr and the asshole probably wouldn't have tipped anyway

Idiots that are unable to read the house copy of the newspaper without turning it into a mangled mess. AND PUT IT BACK ON THE FRIGGIN RACK YOU GOT IT FROM WHEN UR FINISHED!!

People that come in and want to order "a dish they had last time" despite it no longer being on the menu/"the last time they came in" being 2 years ago. Alternatively people that come in and want the same dish they had off the specials menu 6 months ago.

Sending love out to all the bartenders who r expected to give a free replacement drink to the trashy punter that's just spilled theirs all over the bar

Ppl that want cappucinos in latte glasses and lattes in cappucino glasses. Ceramic VS Glass...ooh it's a tough one

Losers who order a chicken parma/steak everytime they go out for dinner. Hooray for Australia!

"Cup of cino"
"Mug of cino"
"Chicken parmen-giana"

Those who salt their food liberally before even tasting it

Impatient bastards that put their dirty dishes on adjacent clean tables

Groups of friends that order a piece of cake to share, then insist that you cut it up into equal slices for them to share. If you're good enough friends to come out for dinner together then surely you can just share the fuckin thing amongst yourselves.

People that refuse to talk directly to you.
Eg: Waiter asks female customer, "What can I get for you?"
Female customer turns to boyfriend and says "I want a black coffee."
Boyfriend then replies waiter's question, despite the fact that the waiter is still looking directly at female customer.
Waiter <addressing female>: Short or long black ma'am?
Female <addressing boyfriend>: Long black.
Boyfriend turns to waiter: "Long black please."
Get a backbone, u useless excuse for a parasitic fungus.

People who want shit that u just don't have.
Customer: "Do you guys have those little fruit tarts?"
Waiter <who has been working at said cafe for 5 years and therefore has quite extensive knowledge of product>: "No, we've never had those here."
Customer: "Are you sure?"
Waiter: "Definitely."
Customer: "Cos I'm sure I had them last time I was here. You know, the little pastry tarts filled with custard with fruit on the top."
Waiter: "No, I'm sorry, we don't have them."
Customer: "Oh, ok. Maybe you'll have some next time I come in."

Customers that call you over from the other side of the restaurant (while you're super busy) to request their bill, making exaggerated "writing in an imaginary bill" motions in the air all the while. You return to hand them their bill, and they hand it back immediately with their credit card, without so much as a peek at it. Wasting time, wasting time!!

Z: Customer Allergies = LIES
(I'm allergic to water...)

The sad fact that you have probably experienced 90% of the above events in your hospitality career.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE... Things that are enjoyable about working in hospitality...

Listening in on couples having domestics (it's my personal favourite)

Nice people who tip on takeaway coffees

The power to ignore and to give poor service where deserved hahaha

Storming off to the bar/kitchen after serving a ning-nong, and proceeding to bitch about them for half an hour to your colleagues. Comparing stories about similar experiences for another half an hour.

Dreaming of moving to France, a land where waiters can unabashedly treat all customers like shit!

Knowing that one day you will have enough money to support yourself, at which point you can leave the whole sordid industry behind....................ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Stupid Laws12/4/07

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Bathhouses are against the law. [Get the full text of this law.]
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.

Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
Liquor stores may not sell milk.

You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

North Dakota
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Children may not purchase cigarettes, but can smoke them.
You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle.
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.
It is illegal to read someone's tarot, or give them a psychic reading as these are forms of witchcraft.
Under Australian Communications Authority (ACA) regulations, your modem can't pick up on the first ring. If it does the ACA permit for your modem is invalid and there's a $12000 fine. - Telecommunications Act 1991.

Those wishing to use a television must apply for a license.
It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.
Picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism.

Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by French composers.

It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
You must wear a shirt while driving a car.
You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you're caught throwing away chewed bubblegum on the sidewalk. If you do not pay the fine, you are jailed.
No one may step on any of the nation's currency.
ABC its easy as...

t h e l e t t e r A
- - Are you available?: to some most no lol
- - What is your age?: 17
- - What annoys you?: tends t be hard t annoy me

t h e l e t t e r B
- - Do you know anyone named billy?: aye
- - When is your birthday?: 23rd January
- - Who is your best friend/s?: Stace

t h e l e t t e r C
- - Who's your crush: suck ma left nut..make ma rite 1 jelous
- - When was the last time you cried?: sat :O

t h e l e t t e r D
- - Do you daydream?: nup am on the ball lol
- - What"s your favorite kind of dog?: shih-tsu(used t hav 1 :D )
- - What day of the week is it?: Tuesday!!!

t h e l e t t e r E
- - How do you like your eggs?: eggy
- - Have you ever been in the emergency room?: nup

t h e l e t t e r F
- - Do you use fly swatters?: aye wen pete annoys me lol
- - Have you ever used a foghorn?: nup

t h e l e t t e r G
- - Do you chew gum?: used to a lot, no sa mtch now
- - Do you like gummy candies?: Yea

t h e l e t t e r H
- - How are you?: fan fuckin tastic :D
- - What"s your height?: 6ft 0"
- - What color is your hair?: Brown

t h e l e t t e r I
- - Whats your favorite ice cream?: pooh bear :O
- - Have you ever ice skated?: nup

t h e l e t t e r J
- - What"s your favorite Jelly Bean?: red
- - Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: yea
- - Do you wear jewelerry?: jus ma earring n chain

t h e l e t t e r K
- - Who do you want to kill?: phil lol

t h e l e t t e r L
- - Are you laid back?: cool as a cat me lol

t h e l e t t e r M
- - What was your favorite movie when you were little?: lion king fs!

t h e l e t t e r N
- - Do you have a nickname?: kev :L
- - Whats your favorite number?: 7
- - Do you prefer night or day?: night

t h e l e t t e r O
- - What"s your one wish?: never wana grow old (cos a ken a never will in the heed lol)
- - Are you an only child?: nup

t h e l e t t e r P
- - What are you most paranoid about?: failin accounts! :(

t h e l e t t e r Q
- - Are you quick to judge people: correct, 1st impressions matter ;)

t h e l e t t e r R
- - Do you think you"re always right?: ma mum will disagree but nup
- - Do you watch reality TV?: dnt watch tv never mind tht shite
- - Reason to cry?: losin some1 u love!

t h e l e t t e r S
- - Do you prefer sun or rain?: the sun, wher the fuck is it come t think?
- - Do you like snow?: nup
- - Whats your favorite seasons? summer

t h e l e t t e r T
- - What time is it?: 19:17
- - What time did you wake up?: 11:21 (thanks kerry lol)

t h e l e t t e r U
- - Can you ride a unicycle?: behave cany even ride wan way 2 wheels lol

t h e l e t t e r V
- - What?s the worst veggie?: brocolli gadz a fuck

t h e l e t t e r W
- - What"s your worst habit?: ma eye goes weerd wen am drunk lol

t h e l e t t e r X-
- - Do you own a xylophone?: aye obviously lol

t h e l e t t e r Y
- - Do you like the color yellow?: Nahh
- - What year were you born in?: 1990

t h e l e t t e r Z
- - Do you believe in the zodiac?: fuck off lol
- - What"s your sign?: aquarius...nae water fur uuuuuuu lol
dae it lol6/25/07

How old do I look?
[ ] 11
[ ] 12
[ ] 13
[ ] 14
[ ] 15
[ ] 16
[ ] 17
[ ] 18
[ ] 19
[ ] 20
[ ] 21

How good do i look from 1-10 (1-ugly / 10-HoTT)
[ ] 1
[ ] 2
[ ] 3
[ ] 4
[ ] 5
[ ] 6
[ ] 7
[ ] 8
[ ] 9
[ ] 10

Would you rather..
[ ] Do me
[ } Date me

Would you rather be on top or bottom?
[ ] Top
[ ] Bottom

Do I have pretty eyes?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Do you like my body?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Would you be sad if I moved?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Would you come visit me?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Am I..
[ ] Hott
[ ] Beautiful
[ ] Sexy
[ ] Cute
[ ] beastly mongrel

Would you rather..
[ ] Makeout
[ ] Cuddle
[ ] Fuck
[ ] Go out

Do you want to go out with me?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Would you give me your number?
[ ] Yes () <-----leave ya numba
[ ] No

Are you going to repost this so I can answer for YOU?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

hry hry hry lol3/5/07
I cried:
I askd u 2 help:
I started smoking:
I sed I loved u:
I kissd u:
I huggd u:
I lived nxt door 2 u:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away frm home n didnt cum bak:
I got in a fite n u wer ther:
I pissd u off:
I died:


Be my gf:
Be my best frend:
Tel me da truth no mata wat:
Keep a secret if I told u one:
Hold my hand:
Take a bullet 4 me:
Keep in touch:
Try n solve my problems:
Love me:
Hurt me:
Use me:
Date me:
Beat me up:
Watch a movie wiv me:
lassis please lol xx10/20/06
Dear Kev...

You have a nice__________.

You make me __________.

I really love when you ________________.

You should ______________.

Someday I will ___________.

You + me =_____________.

If I saw you now I'd _________.

I would build a ___________ just for you.

I would get your name tattooed on my __________.

If I could sing you any song it would be ____________

We could ______________ under the stars.

_______________ xxx

(P.S. ______________.)
Beter wan lol xx10/9/06
go out with me?
give me your number?
kiss me?
let me kiss you?
watch a movie with me?
let me take you out to dinner?
take a shower with me?
be my gf?
have a fling with me?
take me home for the night?
Would you let me sleep in your bed?
re-post this for me to answer your questions?
have a relationship with me?
Dance with me?
Spank that ass?
kiss me to death?
Let me fuk you?
Stick up for me if i was being put down?
Carress my body?
Play strip poker with me?
Say yes if i asked you out?
Get wasted with me?
Greet me in public?
Hang out with me?
Bring me around your friends?
Da this plz xx10/9/06
Fill this out plz

1. Whats your Name?
2. Are we close?
3. What do you think of me?
4. Do you hav a crush on me?
5. Would u kiss me?
6. would u fuk me?
7. Describe me in 3 words?
8. If u Had Me for 30 Mins wat would you do?
9. What was ur first impression of me?
10. Do u still think the same?
11.. What reminds u of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do u know me?
14. What do u like best about me?
15. Ever wanted 2 tell me something u could'nt?
16. Could you ever love me?
17. Give me a nickname and explain why?
18.R u gona put this on ur blog and c wat i say bout u?
19.Anything 2 say b4 u go?