Matt Aka Jonny <how_u_livin>
|Just read them!||3/7/07|
These are ALL true......
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning:"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in
bed last night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
US PGA Commentator -"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
|The rules of the man!!||3/6/07|
|These are our rules:|
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
12. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
13. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
14. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
Thank you for reading this; when women tell us to sleep on the couch we really don't mind that, it's like camping.